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Merry You-Know-What 

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Well, it’s the holidays again and you know what that means: It’s the time of the year when even mean old deranged newspaper types look for a little good news. That, of course, is a tough sell, because despite what some people say, nobody wants to hear good news.

Our friend Mayor Rocky Anderson called recently to say Merry Christmas and how City Weekly had screwed the pooch on his airport security crusade. This, of course, was before the feds swept at least 69 undocumented immigrants from positions at the mayor’s airport. But that’s a different story.

Earlier, we had had the temerity to suggest that since baggage security personnel at airports across the country were incapable of screening even carry-ons, that Anderson’s suggestion that all bags be screened seemed a bit much. The mayor, in his usual polite way, begged to differ. “Here I am, flying all over the country on a one-man crusade to get real security at our airports … I’m meeting with Secretary [of Transportation] Minetta and doing all I can… and I get home and open City Weekly and I get a ‘MISS’ for trying to make our airports safe…I was incredulous. I just can’t believe it.”

OK, OK. Mister Mayor, we’ll give you an ‘A’ for effort and extend to you a very merry you-know-what.

On another cheery holiday note, Rod Miller wrote in to say how idiotic this writer is for attributing a Ben Franklin quote to Mark Twain: “They had to hang together or surely they would hang separately.” How could anyone make an utterly stupid mistake like that? Stupid people.

But wait a second, isn’t that Mark Twain on the $100 bill?

Speaking of money (notice clever segue), KSL TV news anchor Ruthie Todd is reportedly bolting the church-owned television enterprise for a seat next to Scott What’s-His-Name on the 10 p.m. slot at KTVX Channel 4. It’s apparently all about money. Ruthie just wanted a fraction of what KSL is paying co-anchor Dick Nourse. But, unfortunately, she’s just a woman and KSL wouldn’t come up with the bucks.

The big question remains: Will Ruthie still get to run the Olympic torch?

Since we’ve fallen into the Entertainment Tonight-style trivia fluff, we might as well go whole hog: Movie star Winona Ryder was recently busted for shoplifting and possession of a controlled substance. According to the Associated Press, our gal Winona was grabbed leaving a Beverly Hills boutique with $4,760 worth of clothing. Police also found she was carrying prescription painkillers. Ryder’s attorney says the whole thing was just a misunderstanding. Sure, and so were the Salem Witch Trials.

And finally this: TV journalism gadfly Geraldo Rivera is getting the raspberry—again—from establishment reporters for packing heat in Afghanistan. “If word gets out that a journalist is carrying a gun, it makes it difficult for everyone,” says Peter Arnett, a former war correspondent for AP and CNN.

Yeah, but what about the Second Amendment? Maybe Geraldo should call Janalee Tobias or Mark Shurtleff.

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More by Christopher Smart

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