Mask-O-Rama! | News | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Mask-O-Rama! 

Quick-and-easy costumes for Halloween 2003!

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As a hip, on-the-go City Weekly reader, do you have the time to shop for the perfect Halloween costume? Of course not! But, as always, we have you covered: All you’ll need is a pair of scissors and some string for the masks; accessorizing suggestions have been provided for maximum fright potential. Ooo, scary, boys and girls!


THE MAYOR


“The Mayor” costume is guaranteed to strike fear—and fun!—into the hearts of conservative curmudgeons and lefty liberals alike. This kicky ensemble comes complete with a 100-percent Rayon business suit that repels martini spills and sports oversize pockets for campaign contributions, as well as an askew salt-and-pepper wig that says, “You can trust me—would an irresponsible playboy have a haircut like this?”


Optional Accessories:


s Arm extensions (for easier patting yourself on the back)


s Hypnotic white teeth (for wooing on-the-fence voters and pesky media types)


s Vibrating pager/power tie (for alerts concerning photo-ops and new nightclub openings)


s Universal private-club membership card (complimentary, just like a real Mayor’s)


Helpful Character Catchphrases:


s “Downtown nightlife is more vibrant than ever: Sometimes my posse and I have to wait in line for up to a minute before the doorman waves us in past the rubes.”


s “I don’t hate Mormons per se, just the stupid Mormon shit they do.”


s “You call this a Long Island Ice Tea? Take it back and put some hair on it! Hey, screw the liquor laws—don’t you know who I am? I’ll deal with those clowns in the morning … OK, maybe afternoon, if you know what I mean.”


s “You’re fired!


THE MALL PUNK


Railing against The Man and proclaiming his individuality by looking exactly like every other model in a Hot Topic catalogue, it’s the oh-so-scary “Mall Punk,” ready to sneer and pout at the slightest provocation—back off, Mr. Corporate! He’ll mosh, just as long as it doesn’t scuff the boots or muss the hair (mom worked so hard on both), and only a dozen local radio stations play his favorite bands’ anthems of rebellion and soft-drink product placement—no wonder he’s surly!


Optional Accessories:


s“Destroy Capitalism” wallet and chain (don’t want to lose dad’s Discover card)


s Tough hair-spike gel colors (in Fab Fuchsia, Blossom Blue and Raffish Red)


s Assorted perfectly ironed “work” shirts (which have never been, nor ever will be, worked in)


s Press-on tattoos and clip-on ear/nose/lip/eyebrow rings (to show your hardcore commitment to punk rock)


Helpful Character Catchphrases:


s “My older brother was into punk way back when it began—you know, like, Green Day in ‘94.”


s “Sex Pistols? That’s a clothing line, right? I seen the T-shirt at Sam Goody.”


s “Let’s go to the food court and make fun of the Hot Dog On a Stick chicks—anarchy!”


s “No way! Sum 41 kicks ass over Blink-182 … Wait, which one do I like? Math sucks!”


THE SUBURBAN MOM


The blank half-smile, the cemented-in-place bob, the steady diet of Slim-Fast and Krispy Kremes—look out, it’s “The Suburban Mom”! Three-to-five children in and resigned to a life of Pampers, Swiffers and Dr. Phil, this haunted housewife is scarier than Freddie Krueger and Marge Simpson combined—and somehow, between soccer practices and Costco trips, she just keeps reproducing! And beware her deadly coupon-clippers!


Optional Accessories:


s Asexual pastel sweat suit (all womanly bits safely obscured—except panty line)


s Fanny-pack of prescription antidepressants (including “Sandy Candy” and “Draper Eraser” flavors)


s Constantly screaming infant (with incrementally older children to ignore in public)


s Dodge EarthRaper SUV/minivan (turn signals disabled; seatbelts removed)


Helpful Character Catchphrases:


s “No, I can’t go to the movies—I have a new baby.”


s “I don’t have time to vote—I have a new baby.”


s “Let me to the front of the checkout line—I have new baby.”


s “Please shoot me in the flippin’ head—I have a new baby.”


THE LEFT-WING KOOK


He’s sensitive, he cares, he smells a little like broccoli—he’s “The Left-Wing Kook,” here to save you from your own ignorant self! From the thinning ponytail to the threadbare “Gore 2000” T-shirt down to the Birkenstocks-with-socks, this lefty-loony outfit will scare the bejesus out of your neighborhood (unless your neighborhood happens to be the Avenues). Dressy enough for a Howard Dean fundraiser, yet casual enough for the Sizzler it’ll end up being held in.


Optional Accessories:


s NPR tote bag (for carrying yoga mat, City Weekly and “medicinal” stash)


s Vintage tweed jacket (with leather elbow patches and inside pocket for other “medicinal” stash)


s Copy of latest Al Franken or Michael Moore book (page-marked with Phish concert stub)


s Beige hybrid-fuel car (with “My Other Transportation Doesn’t Cause Ecological Genocide Either” bumper sticker)


Helpful Character Catchphrases:


s “Did you see West Wing last night? President Bartlet is so amazing … Yes, I know he’s not real … Oh great, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry again.”


s “I’m just saying we should be open-minded to the idea of having a civil dialogue with these inbred, racist, xenophobe, sexist, bigoted redneck goat-rapists on the right, that’s all.”


s “We’re flying to Babs’ house in the Hamptons to look over the new tax plan that’ll stick it to those ultra-rich elite fat-cats! The Queer Eye guys and Oprah are gonna be there! It’ll be fabulous!”


s “Of course I’m sympathetic to PETA—but I’m starving and we’re in a Sizzler, Howard.”


THE RIGHT-WING KOOK


Whether on the lookout for U.N. black helicopters or phoning-in crackpot theories to talk radio, the mildly paranoid “Right-Wing Kook” never forgets what made America great: Unconditional fear and loathing of the new and unfamiliar! This spooky disguise says that you’re convinced the world is black-and-white, red-white-and-blue, and by God, the more white the better. Flip it to the Fox News Channel and rip the knob off!


Optional Accessories:


s Ann Coulter inspirational bikini desk calendar (the conservative media hottie posing in slinky swimsuits, accompanied by daily sayings like “Convert ‘em or kill ‘em for Annie, stud”)


s “Insta-Militia” cardboard stand-ups (rifle-totin’ pretend pals to decorate your compound)


s Gold coins and Liberty Dollars (in lieu of worthless Federal Reserve Notes)


s Copy of latest Sean Hannity or Bill O’Reilly book (must purchase with worthless Federal Reserve Notes)


Helpful Character Catchphrases:


s “Of course Rush is a dope fiend—I always knew he was a damn hippie liberal.”


s “Sorry, son, ‘rock’ and ‘rap’ are Satanic tools of the Jewish Media Conspiracy. But, we can enjoy this new Alan Jackson CD together.”


s “No, your Honor, I do not acknowledge the gold-fringe flag—it says so right on my Embassy of Heaven driver’s license, duh!”


s “Wait a minute, is this fluoride in my water? Aaarrrggghhh! Get me a healthy Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi, now!


THE TV NEWS ANCHORS (Matched Set)


Stay tuned for your local news … if you dare! It’s “The TV News Anchors,” a gruesome twosome armed with smarm and poised to annoy with minimally-informed news stories, supernaturally-poofy hair and semi-scripted “off-the-cuff” banter—yikes! He’s been drinking since noon; she’s premenstrual and wondering why she’s only getting paid half as much as the boozehound next to her! Plaster on those smiles, we’re back from the break in five … four … three … two … boo!


Optional Accessories:


s (Him) Nearly lifelike hairpiece (80-percent guaranteed not to melt under stage lights)


s (Her) Nearly lifelike boobs (60-percent guaranteed not to melt under stage lights)


s (Him) Makeup kit for that “natural” on-air look (with industrial applicator spatula)


s (Her) Easy-to-follow facial expressions chart (fatal car pile-ups = sad; ice-skating penguins = happy)


Helpful Character Catchphrases:


s (Him) “And 25 perished in the school blaze. Speaking of hot, how about those Marlins?”


s (Her) “We now go live to Tom … The prick who stuck me with the bar tab at TGI Fridays last night and I had to drive home totally wasted … Crap, am I still on?”


s (Him) “Thanks for the weather, Trish. Maybe after the show I can apply my low pressure front to your dew point, heh heh.”


s (Her) “The transit study concluded that more commuters are driving than riding … Just like this thong is riding all the way up my ass … Why the hell don’t you people tell me when my mic’s still live?!”

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