Lookin’ Out for No. 1 | News | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Lookin’ Out for No. 1 

Gifts for the selfish bastard at the top of your list'you!

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Who is the most deserving person on your holiday gift list? You, of course!

Why go through the annual futility of dropping hints to “friends” and “loved ones”? Why spend another Christmas Day curled up in a ball beside by the tree, sighing, “I’ve been to the Gateway, but I’ve never really been to me”? Look out for No. 1. Forget Ho, ho, ho!'this time it’s Me, Me, Me! This time, it’s personal.

In (dis)honor of the 12 Days of Christmas, here are eight suggestions (sorry, too selfish to come up with a dozen) to start you down the enlightened path of Selfish Bastardism, stuff you’d never waste money on for someone else. But you? You’re worth it.

Begin with a book'namely, the new Festivus: The Holiday for the Rest of Us (FestivusBook.com), the “holiday” famously fabricated on Seinfeld years ago finally distilled into historical (yes, really) book form. Festivus involves a simple aluminum pole in place of a Christmas tree or Menorah, various “feats of strength,” Festivus Beer, mucho partying and a laissez-faire attitude toward gift-giving: “People have the right to purchase things if they want to,” writes Seinfeld costar Jerry Stiller in the foreword. “All I’m saying is if you celebrate Festivus, you may live a little longer.

If you don’t like having your sexy videos just lying around during the holidays, join WantedList.com: Unlimited adult DVD rentals starting at a mere $17.95 a month'no late fees or shipping charges, over 15,000 titles to chose from (the Where the Boys Aren’t series is informative; Spankenstein and Sherlock Bones more literary, etc.), selections arrive in plain-brown discreet form, mail them back the same way, no evidence. As for that pesky “We don’t ship to Utah” stipulation, well, there are ways around that

For the ladies, there’s Sex and the City: The Complete Series (HBO.com), the new pink-packaged 20-disc DVD set'if anyone can take over 45 hours of self-absorbed Carrie Bradshaw & Co., it’s the selfish bastardette. Relive the good ol’ uncensored Sex, before basic cable and syndication neutered the naughty, as well as extras like the girls’ guide to Manhattan that you should be able to afford if you’ve already splurged on this $200 DVD set.

Play guitar? No? So what? Neither does Lenny Kravitz, really, so go ahead and drop a few Gs (list price: $5,845) on a Gibson Custom Shop Lenny Kravitz ’67 Flying V (Gibson.com). The black-sparkle finish, mirrored gold hardware and included Certificate of Authenticity say “It’s all about me” and “When I’m finished swimming in supermodels, maybe I’ll fumble through a few copped Hendrix licks” like no other self-gift can.

Drinking alone is perfectly acceptable, don’t let “experts” and “recovering alcoholics” tell you otherwise. The perfect spirit for going mano-a-boozo has always been tequila, and the best tequila to refuse to share with anyone is Corazon (TequilaCorazon.com), which lists between $75 and $95 (around $50 at your friendly neighborhood State Liquor Store'thanks, Big Government!) and is worth every smooth-sippin’ penny.

Want to spend that holiday vacation watching 300 hours of Law & Order and/or CSI? A few thousand booty-thumpin’ club videos from BET After Dark? Enough contiguous Adult Swim fare to turn your brain into bubbling guacamole? The $350, 300-hour TiVo Humax Series 2 (TiVo.com) can start collecting all this TV action now'and even with all that extra digital headroom, as a selfish bastard, you won’t record a second of somebody else’s Oprah “needs.”

As a selfish bastard, you likely have no companion'and no need for one, right? Right. But should those pangs of loneliness set in during the holidays, you can simply reach out and touch your custom-ordered RealDoll (RealDoll.com), the mate doesn’t talk back, invite over annoying relatives or get into your liquor. The handcrafted silicone-rubber ladies (there’s also a male doll, “Charlie”) start at $6,499 (minus $450 shipping), come in 15 basic models (custom RealDolls available at additional cost), have all the intimate anatomical “features” (yes, all) and are, as the company says, “always ready and available” to “provide stress-free companionship.”

And finally, the ultimate in selfish gifts from you to you: Cryogenic suspension, the warm gift of frozen preservation that may or may not actually work, allowing you to wake up un-aged and pretty at some point in The Future. Arizona’s Alcor Life Extension Foundation (Alcor.org) will, for a minimum life insurance policy of $150,000 (plus various expenses and membership fees), cryopreserve you and revive you at such time a cure for whatever ails you is discovered'oh, and a way to revive you, also. But just imagine Christmas 3005! And your RealDoll will be there, waiting for you!

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