Lettuce Lady and Sen. Mike "Tofu" Lee | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly

Lettuce Lady and Sen. Mike "Tofu" Lee 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Oh man, this is embarrassing: New British PM Liz Truss is being labeled the "Iceberg Lady" by the London press because "her political tenure has a lot in common with a wilting head of lettuce." Those British newspapers are fun and juicy. It got the staff here at Smart Bomb to thinking how those clever Brits would find our political leaders.

Gov. Spencer Cox might be christened Humpty Dumpty for his shiny head and big smile and the fact that he's always sitting on the fence. Rep. Burgess Owens could be compared to fiddlehead greens because they are associated with bracken toxicity that plays hell with the digestive tract.

Republican John Curtis—the one-time Democratic mayor of Provo—draws comparisons to a crookneck squash 'cause he favors the overturning of Roe but insists women should have the right to choose. Our Congressman Chris Stewart, who sometimes confuses himself with Jimmy Stewart, might be labeled celery—he's tall and thin and crunchy but has no taste or real benefit.

Poor Mitt Romney, the one-time GOP presidential nominee who voted to impeach Trump, is now synonymous in his caucus with the edible fungi Turkey Tail. Life just isn't fair.

And then there's Sen. Mike "Tofu" Lee—an artificial, tasteless phony. Where's the Ipecac—YECHT!

Jesus Gets a Makeover
Even Jesus needs a public relations blitz these days. Mean times, indeed. A Kansas-based Christian foundation is plunking down $100 million for its "He Gets Us" campaign to redeem the Savior's sagging image, soiled by some of his righteous followers.

Yes Wilson, even the band knows these so-called "Christians" judge and harm people all in His name. But the "He Gets Us" theme seems a bit ... self-absorbed.

Billboards saying things like "Jesus let his hair down, too," have gone up in cities, such as New York and Las Vegas, where depravity is in fashion these days. (Isn't it everywhere?) Maybe Jesus can set a new trend.

The Signatry Foundation also posted on-line videos—highlights, you might say—of our Lord's best plays and they plan to blow out a big Super Bowl ad reminding drowning sinners that there is more to life than football, beer and guacamole. With luck—or perhaps a bit of divine intervention—there won't be any half-time wardrobe malfunctions distracting from His message of peace, love and understanding.

Well, as far as we know that's still His message—the staff here at Smart Bomb hasn't checked lately—so, who knows. Nonetheless, if the NFL won't go to Jesus, then He must go to the Super Bowl. It is on Sunday, after all. Praise the Lord and go deep!

High Tech Body Snatcher
Relax Wilson, we no longer have to worry about getting hit by an asteroid. NASA launched a spacecraft called DART to determine if smacking into an approaching space rock could change its course and save the world.

Hurrah! DART was a smashing success, changing the path of the asteroid Dimorphus. (It was not on track to hit Earth.) As you and the band may recall, Wilson, 65 million years ago an asteroid nine miles wide plowed into what is now the Gulf of Mexico with the force of 10 billion Hiroshima A-bombs, sending vaporized rock into the air that blocked out the sun for decades. It led to mass extinction of dinosaurs and 75% of life on Earth.

The new DART planetary defense is cool, but in the end it might not be enough to save our bacon. The Fermi Paradox asks why we haven't found intelligent beings elsewhere in the infinite universe—and/or why they haven't found us. Planetary scientists now postulate that intelligent and technologically-advanced civilizations ultimately destroy themselves. Maybe that's why those little green men in the UFOs can't go home and why they have to snatch our bodies.

Maybe that's what's gotten into those MAGA people—they're aliens from another time and world—not exactly intelligent or civilized. But what can you do?

Postscript—That's it for another rousing week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of the Runnin' Utes football team 'cause you can't read about 'em in the Sunday Salt Lake Tribune. In what may well be the barnburner of the decade, the Utes pulled out a 43-42 win against No. 7 USC Saturday, with 48 seconds on the clock.

And could you read it in the pages of the Sunday Tribune? Of course not, it's printed on Thursdays in Ogden. You're right, Wilson, what's the point? (Well, you can get it on their website.) But some people just need to hold newsprint—Utes be damned.

And 'cause we're on the topic of Utah's "Life Elevated"—once on top, the Park City Mountain Resort has fallen to the very bottom of Ski Magazine's rankings: No. 30. Props to Ski Utah and the taxpayer-funded Utah Office of Tourism for bringing in so many people that they've destroyed skiing at Park City and Little Cottonwood Canyon, as well. Nothing quite like success.

And since we're in a sporting mood, there's this: The Onion newspaper spoofed Saudi Arabia's LIV golf tournaments—designed to greenwash the kingdom's human rights atrocities—with a photoshopped "play-through beheading" on the ninth fairway. It gives "tee it up" a whole new meaning.

Alright Wilson, let's hope those makeover folks don't forget Jesus was a rebel who championed the poor and reviled the rich and powerful who say they own access to God. Jesus of Nazareth was a Jew with brown eyes and skin. White Christian Nationalism? Give us a break. The band's all warmed up, Wilson, so hit it:

They call him by the "Prince of Peace"
And they call him by "The Saviour"
And they pray to him upon the sea
And in every bold endeavor
As they fill his churches with their pride and gold
And their faith in him increases
But they've turned the nature that I worshipped in
From a temple to a robber's den
In the words of the rebel Jesus

We guard our world with locks and guns
And we guard our fine possessions
And once a year when Christmas comes
We give to our relations
And perhaps we give a little to the poor
If the generosity should seize us
But if any one of us should interfere
In the business of why there are poor
They get the same as the rebel Jesus

But pardon me if I have seemed
To take the tone of judgement
For I've no wish to come between
This day and your enjoyment
In this life of hardship and of earthly toil
We have need for anything that frees us
So I bid you pleasure and I bid you cheer
From a heathen and a pagan
On the side of the rebel Jesus.
"The Rebel Jesus"—Jackson Browne

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