Let's Play the 'Impeach A.G. Sean Reyes' Game | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
DONATE

Let's Play the 'Impeach A.G. Sean Reyes' Game 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

Pin It
Favorite
smart_bomb.jpg

Here's something fun to keep you busy while waiting for vaccines. It's a brand-new game called, "Impeach Sean Reyes," and it's fun for the whole family. Each player gets a little icon representing a Utah Republican lawmaker to scoot around the board following the Utah Attorney General to places like Cartagena, Colombia, where he looks for prostitutes and child traffickers. Then take a ride with him on a boat in the jungle with a camera crew that looks for young, kidnapped girls. Spin the wheel and you're off with Sean to the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, where he goes from party to party in a Hawaiian shirt looking for young women wearing badges that say, "I'm a Call Girl." Spin the wheel again, and you go with Sean to Reno, Nevada, to find those bastards mailing in ballots from dead people and cocker spaniels. Watch him tweet that he saw "irregularities" and "the election is being stolen." Spin the wheel again and see Sean join 16 other red state attorneys general endorsing a Texas suit to invalidate election results in four battleground states. Spin again and watch as Rep. Andrew Stoddard, D-Sandy, sponsors a bill aimed at impeaching AG Reyes. Land on the bonus square and join thousands who signed a petition for his ouster. Is this fun, or what?

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Marjorie (Taylor Greene)
OK, Wilson, cue up "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?" from The Sound of Music as background for this segment ...

Mean Marjorie Taylor Greene ain't goin' nowhere. In fact, she may be the new face of angry Trumpism. Kevin McCarthy, the Republican House Minority Leader, tiptoed through landmines to keep Greene from blowing herself up last week. Notorious for conspiracy theories and advocating hanging House Speaker Nancy Pelosi for treason, the 46-year-old Georgia QAnon storm trooper pirouetted away from an intra-party showdown with her non-apology: "I was allowed to believe things that weren't true." McCarthy's minimizing of Greene's insurrectionist bluster made up in bullshit what it lacked in art. But Democrats—who don't appreciate calls for hanging the Speaker of the House—stripped her of committee assignments in a move that could set up Marjorie d'Arc as the heroine for aggrieved white people. It's very much not like The Sound of Music where Julie Andrews rescues the Trapp family from Nazis with heart-warming songs. "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens ..." it is not. How do you solve a problem like Marjorie Taylor Greene? Well, first, you gotta talk her language, like that little ditty from Lord of the Rings—"Where There's a Whip, There's a Way."

The Insurrection Wasn't So Bad
Them Democrats and liberals are whining and wringing their hands over that little melee at the Capitol—but think about it, was it really so bad? Only five people were killed—heck, that's a good day in Chicago. Yeah, so 80 Capitol cops were injured along with 65 D.C. police, but it's kinda their fault—they should've got out of the way of all them patriots. All they wanted was to take their country back because ... well, you know... OK, some were chanting, "hang Pence" and "hang Pelosi," but that's just 'cause they were caught up in the excitement. Like, how often do you get to follow the commander in chief's orders to march into Congress and kick some ass? Some of these pundit types called it a Coupe De Ville. But what does that mean anyway? It's just more fancy talk them liberal elites use to show off. And then they put Donald Trump on trial for "incitement of insurrection." Bull Pucky. Sure, Republicans, like Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, said that Trump was responsible, but later sang a different tune when he said: "I don't believe he provoked it." It's not against the law to change your mind, is it? And here's the kicker: Sen. Rand "I'm Brilliant" Paul says it don't matter 'cause Trump is now at Mar-A-Lago, and all bets are off, 'cause at Mar-A-Lago, there are no laws.

Postscript—Well, sports fans, that's about it for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of misinformation and sheer bullshit coming from Fox News so you don't have to. Hey, Wilson, do you and the guys in the band know what's greater than 700 but less than 800 since the election of President Joe Biden? Nope, it's not the amount of beers you all drank. It's the number of times someone at Fox News said Trump won the election or that the election was stolen, according to Media Matters. So, if you are an aggrieved white American who gets all their news from Fox—because the rest of the media is Fake News—what would you think if the very sincere Sean Hannity tells you over and over that the presidency was stolen and democracy was in serious jeopardy? As it turns out, our democracy was in danger, in part because Fox became the national propaganda machine for a would-be dictator. For Fox and owner Rupert Murdoch, an Aussie by way of the U.K., it's all about money. He built a huge, international empire by peddling sleaze, fear and hatred. So, what do you do when a media mogul exploits the First Amendment for big bucks at the expense of our national wellbeing? It calls for something like a vaccine because Rupert and his gang of fear mongers are a dangerous disease.

OK, Wilson, law enforcement has arrested about 200 insurrectionists from Jan. 6. Some have said Trump made them do it. What do you and the band have for them?

Well, I went home with the waitress,
The way I always do.
How was I to know
She was with the Russians, too?

I was gambling in Havana.
I took a little risk.
Send lawyers, guns and money.
Dad, get me out of this.

I'm the innocent bystander—
Somehow, I got stuck.
Between the rock and the hard place
And I'm down on my luck.
And I'm down on my luck.

Now I'm hiding in Honduras.
I'm a desperate man.
Send lawyers, guns and money.
The shit has hit the fan.

"Lawyers, Guns and Money"—Warren Zevon

Pin It
Favorite

Tags:

More by Christopher Smart

Latest in Opinion

  • Hot Button Issues

    Taking a Gander: A kinder gentler president can't fix stupid.
    • Mar 3, 2021
  • TV—What You Watch Is Who You Is

    Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis
    • Mar 3, 2021
  • Only the Lonely

    One of her first jobs was working as a nurse's aide at a rest home in rural Alabama where she remembers wiping brown streams of chewing tobacco-tinged drool from the faces of old women who were too weak or disoriented to clean their own faces.
    • Feb 24, 2021
  • More »

Readers also liked…

  • Trump's Ten Commandments

    The story was the emetic equivalent of a gallon of ipecac. Perhaps only a handful of attendees could clearly see Trump's horns and his trident.
    • Jan 8, 2020
  • Walled Off

    Taking a Gander: Trump's not-so Great Wall symbolizes all his dealings
    • Jun 17, 2020

© 2021 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation