Lazy American Workers and the Shrinking Economy | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Lazy American Workers and the Shrinking Economy 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Just because the economy fell further last quarter than at any time in our history is no cause for concern. No problem, we'll just send the kids back to school and voilà, the economy will bounce back like a pregnant pole vaulter. As we know from Republican senators, lazy Americans are sitting at home playing video games like Mortal Kombat and Dungeons & Dragons because they get $600 a week for free. All we have to do is stop these ridiculous handouts of taxpayer money and, like kids jonesing for a sugar high, those laggards will go right back to work at jobs that don't exist anymore. We know American workers are lazy because over the past 40 years, their wages adjusted for inflation have remained flat, even while the gross domestic product— the nation's wealth—tripled. With the rising costs of healthcare, housing and education, American workers now make little more than half of what they earned in 1980, requiring two breadwinners for each household. And each of them is working longer hours than ever, as they accumulate more and more debt. Isn't it time they pull themselves up by their bootstraps, just like U.S. senators Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell? They know how the cows eat the cabbage.

Herbert & Cox: Utah's Dynamic COVID Duo
If President Trump wants kids back in school, then Gov. Gary Herbert and Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox can easily contort best practices to make it happen. All Americans, including Utahns, should wear a mask to guard against spreading coronavirus—but only if they feel like it, according to Utah's Dynamic Duo. You see, it's a freedom issue. If you don't want to wear pants, for example, nobody should say otherwise. It's called "freedom." But we digress. There is just too much fuss about keeping kids and teachers safe. Students can go to school even if they've been directly exposed to COVID-19, according to the Utah Department of Health (for real). Kids are sweet, young things who would never knowingly bring the virus back to their parents and grandparents. And, coincidentally, when they go to school, their parents can go back to work, unless they have jobs at a restaurant, bar, any retail store, the airlines, any type of transportation, most venues of entertainment, the hotel industry and any tourist-related industry. This is why we elected Batman and no doubt why we have already chosen his heir apparent—Robin: Because when it comes to comic book characters, they're just so ... so incredible. Holy communicability, Batman.

Ban Tiktok and Elections
If you haven't seen Sarah Cooper do her hilarious Trump imitations on TikTok, you have not lived. She takes us beyond the orange mask to see just how shallow and overreaching the mind of this man really is. Cooper gained prominence after she mimed the president's press conference where he surmised that injecting household disinfectants might stop COVID-19. No surprise, Cooper has gotten under Trump's skin, and he now huffs that he will ban TikTok. In April, Trump said he had "total authority" to tell governors when they could open their states after coronavirus lock downs. "When someone is president, they have total authority," Trump said. It didn't go over so well. The governors suggested he check the U.S. Constitution. The president's recent strained proposal to delay the election didn't win accolades either. The co-founder of the powerful conservative Federalist Society, Steven Calabresi, said Trump should be tossed out on his head. "Until recently, I had taken as political hyperbole the Democrats' assertion that President Trump is a fascist," he wrote. "But this is fascistic and is itself grounds for the president's immediate impeachment again ... ." Well, you know what they say about someone who is digging himself into a hole. But the staff here at Smart Bomb along with Wilson and the band don't mind at all if Trump keeps on digging.

Postscript—Well, here we are in the Dog Days of the Pandemic. This is when Sirius, the "Dog Star," located in the constellation Canis Major, is the brightest star in the sky and when the COVID-19 pandemic has reached its greatest infection rate. Among the reasons we are toast, of course, is because large segments of America refuse to wear masks or observe social distancing on account of it's a conspiracy to take away our guns and other freedoms, like endless partying.

Here's a fun fact: In 1918 and 1919, according to The New York Times, when bars, saloons, restaurants, theaters and schools closed as the "Spanish flu" epidemic raced across the nation, masks became a symbol of government overreach, inspiring protests, petitions and defiant bare-face gatherings. When it was over, 650,000 Americans were dead. To this point we've had 155,000 deaths and counting. But chin up, things could get better. Look at Canada where the virus is under control and life is near normal. You see, Canadians believe it's their obligation to their countrymen to wear masks. In contrast to Americans, they endeavor to go along and get along. Here is a for instance: How do you get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool? Just ask. Now think what might happen if you told 100 Americans to get out of the pool. 'Nuff said.

OK, Wilson, we've made it through another week of the Trumpovirus, and folks are looking for any distraction to keep their sanity. What do you and the guys in the band have for us lazy American workers as we lay about in our hammocks drinking beer?

You get up every morning from your alarm clock's warning
Take the 8:15 into the city
There's a whistle up above and people pushin', people shovin'
And the girls who try to look pretty
If your train's on time, you can get to work by nine
And start your slaving job to get your pay
If you ever get annoyed, look at me, I'm self-employed
I love to work at nothing all day

And I'll be taking care of business every day
Taking care of business every way
I've been taking care of business, it's all mine
Taking care of business and working overtime, work out

("Taking Care of Business"—Bachman Turner Overdrive)

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