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Keep Utah Backward! 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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The Keepers of the Eternal Flame over at The Once and Future Salt Lake Tribune had a curious editorial recently where they bemoaned the fact that Ford and Apple would not relocate to Utah because we're so damned backward. "It starts with our underfunded schools, our determination to stick to a fossil-fuel economy and despoil public lands and a reputation, not fully deserved, for being hostile to minorities and newcomers." And, of course, they are absolutely right. But for a long stretch during the Halcyon Days of Yore, we depended on the Legislature's stupid liquor laws and other BS to keep people away. It worked perfectly until the Utah Travel Council, Chamber of Commerce and the Olympics decided to spend our tax dollars to bring everyone in the world here. The cat was totally out of the bag after that—it's now too crowded to ski, you have to win a lottery to get into Zion and your chances of snagging breakfast in Moab are zilch. So hey, let's bring in Ford and Apple, the NSA, Amazon and anyone else who needs a tax break, because who needs half-measures? The place isn't totally wrecked yet, so let's go all the way! Here's an idea: Let's build a gigantic inland port with zillions of trucks and warehouses to make things even better. Fabulous!

Pray for Rain, You Sinners
Fortunately for us, our governor, Brother Spencer Cox, is a religious man. Unfortunately for him, we're all a bunch of sinners—how else to explain this dusty damned drought? For millennia, people believed that one of the big drawbacks of sin is that it can bring on drought. (And you thought STDs were bad.) How and why sin has been punishable by lack of rain isn't completely understood, although we're told there are clues in the scriptures. Nonetheless, Brother Spence is asking us all to pray for rain because it's getting so dang bad. Anyway, the staff here at Smart Bomb got to thinking that while we're at it, we could pray for some other stuff, too. We could pray that Reps. Burgess Owens and Chris Stewart and Sen. Mike Lee find their way to Oz—Owens could get a brain, Stewart could get a heart and Lee could get a soul. And we could pray that Salt Lake City tears down the new $4 billion international airport and starts all over again—only this time with planning. We could pray for the 46 % of Mormons who believe the Big Lie that Trump won, but it wouldn't do any good. So, maybe we should just go back to praying for rain and hope we pray for the right amount, so we don't get flooded out. Man, you'd think the Big Guy would have this stuff down a little better by now.

BBQs, Swimming Pools & a Coup D'Etat
Feeling restless and bored after that long year of fighting the CDC over masks and real freedom? Well, it's summer, and summertime is for fun. Drag out the barbie, the pool toys and good ol' Mike Flynn, and we can have us a real good time. Mike Flynn is a true American four-star general who went a little crazy, but he knew we had to lock up Hillary. And then he talked in secret to them Russians so's we could get things straight. And then he done quit and got indicted, and Trump pardoned him, so now he's back at getting all them patriots fired up at the God and Country Rally so we could get the White House back with one of them, waddya call your Coupes de Ville? But good ol' Mike—he ain't alone 'cause word is that Trump will be reinstated in August on account of that Arizona recount is gonna show the whole thing was rigged. Next is Georgia and if they still don't go along, then, well, just like Mike says, we can have one of them Myanmar-style coupes where the military takes the country back from democracy on account of them people don't have the right attitude 'bout who's runnin' what. And don't start with all that fascism malarky 'cause real patriots carry the flag and chant USA!, USA! So, don't get in the way, or we'll hang your ass right along with Mike Pence.

Postscript—OK, alien lovers, that does it for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of "unidentified aerial phenomena" so you don't have to. Too bad we can't expect E.T. anytime soon—The Body Snatchers seemed to have taken over. In his book, The Cult of Trump, Steven Hassan lists characteristics of cult leaders: narcissistic, liars, grandiose self-image, stokes fear, harasses critics, always needs praise ... sound like anyone you know? People who didn't vote for Trump wonder WTF is up with those Trumpies? According to Hassan, they've been sucked into the black hole of a cult where you question nothing. He should know because in the 1970s, he was a Moonie—one of an estimated 1 million who belonged to The Unification Church led by the megalomaniac Rev. Sun Myung Moon. Folks get pulled into cults for a variety of reasons: fed up with society, trying to find purpose, disillusioned, impatiently needing answers, gullible, vulnerable. But it is not as simple as falling down a rabbit hole, Hassan explains. People also have inclinations and viewpoints that draw them together, like hatred of government and loathing of people who went to college—f—king stuck ups. Thanks, Republicans, we couldn't have done it without you.

OK, Wilson, damn it, let's have some good ol' American fun. Give the band what they need to wake up and take us out with a bang:

Strap them kids in, give 'em a little bit of vodka
In a cherry Coke, we're goin' to Oklahoma
To the family reunion for the first time in years
It's up at Uncle Slaton's 'cause he's getting' on in years.

He's got an airstream trailer and a Holstein cow
Still makes whiskey 'cause he still knows how.
And they'll be comin' down from Kansas and from west Arkansas
It'll be one big old party like you've never saw.

Bob and Mae come up from some little town
Way down by Lake Texoma where he coaches football
They were two A champions now for two years running
But he says they won't be this year, no they won't be this year.

And he stopped off in Tushka at the pop knife and gun place
Bought a SKs rifle and a couple full cases of that
Steel core ammo with the Berdan primers
From some east bloc nation that no longer needs 'em.

And a desert eagle that's one great big old pistol
I mean 50 caliber made by bad-ass Hebrews
And some surplus tracers for that old B-A-R
Of Slaton's, as soon as it gets dark, we're gonna have us a time
We're gonna have us a time.

"Choctaw Bingo"—James McMurtry

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