Kazakstan Equivalent | News | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Kazakstan Equivalent 

Pin It

As most City Weekly readers know by now, we here at Smartbomb are globally recognized as the authority on what is really going on behind the Zion Curtain. Some people may say, big deal. West of Wendover, east of Evanston and south of St. George, who really gives a rat’s pajamas about Utah?

Not so fast, Joklik-breath. Sure, we were once the United States’ answer to Kazakstan—a remote mountainous region dominated by a little-known religious sect where people get around on yaks—the only difference being that we drive Broncos. But things are changing, thanks to the Olympics. We’re on the map kiddies, but alas, all the publicity we’re getting here in Zion isn’t exactly what Moroni would trumpet.

In recent weeks, major media have interviewed us here at Smartbomb to find out what’s reality in this remote mountainous region dominated by a little-known religious sect, etc. Within recent weeks, we’ve had reporters visit from The New Yorker magazine, American Journalism Review and Brill’s Content.

As Dave Barry would say, we are not making this up! Here are portions of those interviews:

The New Yorker: What is it really like living behind the Zion Curtain?

Smartbomb: It’s heavenly as long as you stock up your liquor closet for those strange and frequent holidays that leave locked the doors to the church-operated, er uh, sorry, state-operated alcohol distribution system.

American Journalism Review: Why did the Mormon church-owned Deseret News try to take over The Salt Lake Tribune?

Smartbomb: Those gentiles over at the Tribune kept pissing off those nice folks in the Tower of Power by bringing up things the LDS hierarchy would like to forget—like fornication and the Mountain Meadows Massacre.

Brill’s Content: Why did the state Legislature, dominated by Mormons, create a Porn Czar and what will she do?

Smartbomb: The Porn Czar will thwart smut so we can lead wholesome lives once again. And as long as we’ve got adult cable and the Internet, we’ll be fine.

Speaking of Happy Valley, it’s now easier to gather a large crowd for bare-knuckled brawling than it is for dancing. Yep, the Provo City Council has passed a restrictive ordinance that requires dance halls to do everything but conduct body cavity searches.

It’s not quite an outright ban, but it brings back fond memories of the 1980 movie Footloose, which was shot in Utah County. The movie, starring a young Kevin Bacon, was about a town that had outlawed dancing.

Provo City Councilman Dennis Poulsen said it best: “We are not a Footloose council.” So tell us something we don’t know, Dennis.

And finally, this bright note: Paul Murphy, recently sacked from KTVX Channel 4 after 11 years, has found a job. He will become spokesman for Attorney General Mark Shurtleff. We’re guessing Murph will be making a pile of money with the free-spending A.G., so we won’t have to look for him under the viaduct, after all.

Pin It

More by Christopher Smart

  • Flying Dinosaur Days: Christopher Smart (Editor 1996-2002)

    It’s all a fog now, but as I review the fossil record—with carbon-14 dating, of course—it appears that I started at City Weekly sometime in 1993 as a freelancer ...
    • Jun 23, 2010
  • Breaking Free

    The healing force for one prison inmate was the discovery of his art.
    • Sep 6, 2007
  • Ruben Retaliates

    In an unusual move, Salt Lake City Police Chief Ruben Ortega released protected personnel documents to news media in an apparent attempt to embarrass or retaliate against one of his police officers and president of the local police union. It was the...
    • Sep 6, 2007
  • More »

Latest in News

  • On the Mend

    Give your busted possessions new life—and add wisdom to your own—at a Fix-It Clinic.
    • Sep 19, 2018
  • Green Machine

    Agriculture Dept. releases initial set of rules for CBD and hemp products.
    • Sep 12, 2018
  • Condiments with a Side of Condoms

    Braxton Dutson wants to achieve one thing: immortality.
    • Sep 12, 2018
  • More »


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Readers also liked…

  • "A Tailor of Skis"

    As the slopes close for the season, a crafter of custom skis prepares to make it through another summer.
    • Apr 19, 2017
  • High and Dry

    Developers, preservationists at odds over Granite High's future.
    • Apr 26, 2017

© 2018 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation