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Kazakstan Equivalent 

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As most City Weekly readers know by now, we here at Smartbomb are globally recognized as the authority on what is really going on behind the Zion Curtain. Some people may say, big deal. West of Wendover, east of Evanston and south of St. George, who really gives a rat’s pajamas about Utah?

Not so fast, Joklik-breath. Sure, we were once the United States’ answer to Kazakstan—a remote mountainous region dominated by a little-known religious sect where people get around on yaks—the only difference being that we drive Broncos. But things are changing, thanks to the Olympics. We’re on the map kiddies, but alas, all the publicity we’re getting here in Zion isn’t exactly what Moroni would trumpet.

In recent weeks, major media have interviewed us here at Smartbomb to find out what’s reality in this remote mountainous region dominated by a little-known religious sect, etc. Within recent weeks, we’ve had reporters visit from The New Yorker magazine, American Journalism Review and Brill’s Content.

As Dave Barry would say, we are not making this up! Here are portions of those interviews:

The New Yorker: What is it really like living behind the Zion Curtain?

Smartbomb: It’s heavenly as long as you stock up your liquor closet for those strange and frequent holidays that leave locked the doors to the church-operated, er uh, sorry, state-operated alcohol distribution system.

American Journalism Review: Why did the Mormon church-owned Deseret News try to take over The Salt Lake Tribune?

Smartbomb: Those gentiles over at the Tribune kept pissing off those nice folks in the Tower of Power by bringing up things the LDS hierarchy would like to forget—like fornication and the Mountain Meadows Massacre.

Brill’s Content: Why did the state Legislature, dominated by Mormons, create a Porn Czar and what will she do?

Smartbomb: The Porn Czar will thwart smut so we can lead wholesome lives once again. And as long as we’ve got adult cable and the Internet, we’ll be fine.

Speaking of Happy Valley, it’s now easier to gather a large crowd for bare-knuckled brawling than it is for dancing. Yep, the Provo City Council has passed a restrictive ordinance that requires dance halls to do everything but conduct body cavity searches.

It’s not quite an outright ban, but it brings back fond memories of the 1980 movie Footloose, which was shot in Utah County. The movie, starring a young Kevin Bacon, was about a town that had outlawed dancing.

Provo City Councilman Dennis Poulsen said it best: “We are not a Footloose council.” So tell us something we don’t know, Dennis.

And finally, this bright note: Paul Murphy, recently sacked from KTVX Channel 4 after 11 years, has found a job. He will become spokesman for Attorney General Mark Shurtleff. We’re guessing Murph will be making a pile of money with the free-spending A.G., so we won’t have to look for him under the viaduct, after all.

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More by Christopher Smart

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