Jesus Was a Capricorn | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Jesus Was a Capricorn 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Listen to this: "Jesus was a person of color murdered by state-sanctioned violence." That was on a sign outside the Clackamus United Church of Christ in Milwaukie, Ore. How dare they, when everybody knows Jesus was blond with blue eyes. We've seen the movies. And lookit, Southern Baptist pastor Jerry Falwell, who founded the Moral Majority, opened the whites-only Lynchburg Christian Academy. Jesus had to be white or else he couldn't get in.

But seriously folks, we all know the Christian Right has been spewing hate for some time now at anyone who doesn't buy into their gun-toting, Muslim-hating values. Lately, they've been bummed out because The Supremes ruled transgender and gay folks have rights, too.

But Jesus of Nazareth wasn't like that—he was into peace, love and rock 'n roll. What would Jesus say about all those evangelical Christians worshiping Trump, the hater in chief? Even Wilson and the band think Jesus would be put off (not their exact language) by Trump. What would you call someone who preached hate on behalf of Christ the Redeemer? We won't say it out loud. And the truth is, Jesus was Palestinian.

The Road to Perdition
The forced wearing of seatbelts has led to this dangerous time in America when our freedoms are being eroded like a St. George riverbank in a pissing match. That's right, we're on the road to totalitarianism, not to mention perdition. Now, they want us to wear face masks in direct violation of the charter of White Knights of Freedom. (And don't say nothin' about the KKK).

Greg Hughes and Phil Lyman know this—great patriots they are. It all started way back when with fluoride and marijuana—two hideous chemicals snuck into our water supply (and brownies) by Marxist-Leninists in places like San Francisco and the Avenues. Then green-bellied scoundrels set in motion a scheme to rob white men of their liberty. It's as plain as day—what do you think environmentalism is? They say we can't idle our pickups at 7-Eleven. Next, they'll pass laws against eating hot dogs, drinking Cherry Cokes and smoking Camels. This is how liberty is lost. And Heil Herbert is no exaggeration. The jackbooted thugs are coming for us, people. Lock and load. Give us liberty or bury us with our chaps on and our six-guns by our sides.

Bill Barr and the Work of the Lord
And speaking of old-time religion, Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan says Attorney General Bill "Froggy" Barr isn't doing Donald Trump's bidding, he's doing the Lord's work. But somehow, Barr's alma mater, George Washington University Law School, and hundreds of former federal prosecutors are calling on Froggy to resign. But how could good ol' Jim "Up Yours" Jordan be wrong? Sure, Barr dropped the criminal case against Michael Flynn, who was Trump's national security adviser for 10 minutes. But all Flynn did was make secret deals with the Russians before the election and lie about it to the FBI. And that tiny thing with Trump's old pal and rat f—ker Roger Stone wasn't all that bad. He was only convicted of lying to Congress, witness tampering and obstruction. All Froggy did was tell prosecutors they'd better dial back the sentencing recommendation, or else. And this latest thing with the Friday night "retirement" of Geoffrey Berman, the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, was just a misunderstanding. Just because Berman was investigating Trump's fixer Rudy Giuliani and other dark corners of Trumpworld doesn't mean Froggy was doing anything nefarious. And anyway, come on—we know the law doesn't really apply to Donald Trump or his friends. Right Froggy?

Postscript—Well groupers and groupettes, we're sailing into the Fourth of July and the celebration of the greatest country ever. We know this is true because we learned it in school and on Fox News. That doesn't mean we don't have problems: Middle-class workers have been getting screwed for the last 40 years (Reaganomics), but we can fix that. A lot of people can't afford health care, but we can fix that. Higher education has become out of reach for many people, but we can fix that. The homeless population keeps growing, but we can fix that. Big money has corrupted our political system, but we can fix that. And police keep shooting Black people, but we can fix that.

These problems are more than unsettling. But here's a reality check—until the post-World War II period, there never was a strong, vibrant middle class in this country; the wealth was mostly at the top. Well, welcome back to the good ol' USA. We shouldn't forget that any privileges we enjoy today weren't given as gifts by the powers that be, but seized only through the blood, sweat and tears of the organized labor movement.

That, of course, does not include women's rights or civil rights. Any gains in those areas haven't come easy and clearly those fights aren't over. If you want something in this country, you've got to fight for it and fight to keep it or they'll take it right back. Happy Independence Day.

Alright Wilson, tell the guys to put down the bong and give us some religion:

Jesus was a Capricorn
He ate organic food
He believed in love and peace
And never wore no shoes...

Some folks hate the whites
Who hate the Blacks who hate the Klan
Most of us hate anything that
We don't understand

("Jesus Was a Capricorn"—Kris Kristofferson)

PPS—During this difficult time for newspapers, please make a donation to our very important local alternative news source Salt Lake City Weekly at, a nonprofit dedicated to help fund local journalism. Thank you.

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