It's the Testing, Stupid | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly

It's the Testing, Stupid 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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OK, this whole thing with testing is getting ridiculous. One day, you test negative, and the very next day, you could be positive. So, what good is that? And another thing, the more testing we do, the more cases of COVID-19 we have. It's simple isn't it—just don't do so many tests. The official death toll is said to be over 90,000 in this country. But we know that's way too high. How could so many people be dead? It's actually a lot less, and if we stop the stupid testing, we'll have even fewer deaths.

As the White House now tells us, Operation Pumpkin will yield a vaccine by Halloween, and we can all go trick-or-treating safely right before "Re-Election Day." And everyone who wants to can get vaccinated—except in blue states. This whole coronavirus thing has been blown way out of proportion, and it's time to get America back to work and continue the greatest economy that ever existed in history—except for the last three years of Obama.

And those bastards in the Obama administration left the cupboard bare, except for that 69-page playbook on how to deal with pandemics and the office for Global Health Security and Biodefense, which had to be eliminated. Anyway, don't listen to guys like Dr. Anthony Fauci—they're only scientists who know nothing about politics.

Fun Things to Do While Self-Isolating
>Pretend your living room is a dancehall and do the western swing to "Choo Choo Ch'Boogie" by Asleep at the Wheel.

Pretend your sofa is an airplane, dress up in an Elvis suit and parachute into Vegas singing "Only Fools Rush In."

Re-create the Death Valley Marathon in an empty lot wearing only shorts, a hijab and a camelback canteen while singing, "I've been through the desert on a horse with no name ... "

Drink three cups of strong coffee and ride your bicycle around the block (wearing a mask, of course) pretending that you're Lance Armstrong doping in the Tour de France.

Line up six dining chairs in three rows of two and put on "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" by Ladysmith Black Mambazo, while pretending you're a safari driver in the Serengeti, pointing to your kid's stuffed animals and warning passengers, "No pee breaks because you'll be eaten by lions or teddy bears." (Wilson and the band loved this one, especially after a few beers.)

And finally, pretend your sofa is a Bugatti and dress up like Isadora Duncan and accidentally strangle yourself when your long scarves get caught in the spokes. (Editor's note: Don't really strangle yourself to death.)

Next week, we'll have a fun list of things you can do while locked down with your kids.

Inspectors General Suck
Inspectors general are a pain in the ass. They find stuff that doesn't work or people who are ripping stuff off and report it. It's always bitch, bitch, bitch. And so President Trump had a good idea: Fire the bastards. White House aides opened a file called "Fire the Bastards Project." On April 3, Trump shit-canned Michael Atkinson who declared as credible a complaint that Trump pressured the president of Ukraine to get dirt on Joe Biden. They should have hung him for treason. Then on April 6, Trump sent Glenn A. Fine packing. He was supposed to oversee $2 trillion in spending Congress allotted to mitigate coronavirus impacts. But the president didn't want old Glenn Fine sticking his nose where it don't belong. And, of course, the president had to dump HHS Deputy Inspector General Christi Grimm after she had the temerity to report that hospitals were struggling to keep up with the onslaught of coronavirus patients. Stupid woman. And then, the president had to boot Steve Linick, the State Department IG, because he was snooping around in Secretary of State Mike Pompeo's dirty laundry. What a pervert. It's like this: What you don't know can't hurt you—and it helps at election time, too.

Fox Hosts Could Be Androids
The new U.S. Space Force has identified alien intruders that seek to upend American politics. Insiders say new evidence indicates that aliens most likely invaded the bodies of Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham and Jeanine Pirro. Smart Bomb's sources spoke on the condition of anonymity because President Trump loves Fox and would go batshit if the theory proves to be true. Here are the facts: Some of the so-called "Fox hosts" are broadcasting from home during the pandemic, and one evening, Jeanine Pirro got absolutely shitfaced and then went on air. New findings suggest that when androids imbibe, they may give away valuable intel, and Pirro had blurted out, "I must be down a quart." Analysts believe she was referring to hydraulic fluid necessary for android mobility. The artificial intelligence, or AI, that runs their mouths is separate and programmed with special software. It all looks to be a Mandalorian plot to destroy the Neo-Trump movement from within by making its most famous purveyors appear completely insane. Investigators, however, believe the plot may not have succeeded since some Americans think the androids are right: There is a vast left-wing conspiracy to create a virus, pretend that 90,000 have died and make the public wear masks.

Postscript: Swimsuit season is upon us and the latest fashion trend for women is the trikini. That's right, ladies, you can now get face masks to match your string bikinis. In fact, depending on the style, the face mask may cover more skin than the rest of the outfit. And think of it, you can strut your stuff, and no one will recognize you. At this point, we're dangerously close to being labeled sexist, so we'll change the subject. Now the question becomes, do you need face masks for golfing, cycling or Rollerblading? With enough social distancing, maybe not. We know President Trump doesn't wear a mask when he goes Rollerblading in shorts and knee socks at the Trump Skate Park. But we digress.

Summer vacation time is almost here and American families must decide how to take a C0VID-19-safe vacation. Disneyland is not the best option. And the beaches may be too crowded, whether or not you're rocking the latest trikini. Camping would be safe except every other American has the same idea. And it's a definite ixnay to embark on a Princess Cruise with 3,000 would-be virus carriers on a floating petri dish.

But here's an idea from the Smart Bomb travel desk: Volunteer sheepherding on the Falkland Islands. Yes, it's windswept and rainy, and it will be winter down there 670 miles east of the southern tip of Argentina. But it does have an upside: There's no coronavirus or price-gouging. Think of all the fun you and the kids would have herding those woolies around the island. It's something they could tell their kids about. And the best part: No news from the United States. Totally Trump-free. We knew we could convince you.

Alright Wilson, wake up the band and take us out of here with a little something to get us in vacation escape mode:

Everybody's talking at me
I don't hear a word they're saying
Only the echoes of my mind

People stopping, staring
I can't see their faces
Only the shadows of their eyes

I'm going where the sun keeps shining
Through the pouring rain
Going where the weather suits my clothes

Banking off of the northeast winds
Sailing on a summer breeze
And skipping over the ocean like a stone

—"Everybody's Talkin'," Harry Nilsson

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