It Don't Say That in the Bible | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

It Don't Say That in the Bible 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Religious freedom is where we employ the First Amendment to discriminate against you. See, here's how it works: You and your gay partner want us to make you one of our special cakes. But we can tell that you're gay, so we say you can buy the cakes on the shelf, but we won't make anything special for you because you're homosexuals. And the reason we can do that is because The Bible says no special cakes for gays. Still don't get it? OK, listen: We're your employer, and you get your health insurance through our company. But, we don't want you gettin' no abortions or female health care, so we take that out of your policy. The reason that we can do that is because our Bible tells us not to kill little babies or zygotes or whatever, and we got religious freedom. See, it's simple. Just to make things crystal clear: Let's say you work for our company, and then you changed from a man to a woman. So, of course, we fire you because you're disgusting. The reason we can do that is because President Donald Trump said so. And don't say nothin' about the Supreme Court or equal rights under the law, because none of that is in The Bible. And just because Jesus said, "Love thy neighbor as thyself," don't mean shit to us.

A Nation of Men, Not Laws
Theme music: "Oh, say can you see by the flash-bangs bright glare, those camo-colored men shooting tear gas in the air? ..." We are not going to put up with a bunch of degenerate law-breaker, Antifa protester sonsofbitches in this country. No, sirree. Attorney General Bill Barr is going to see to it that everybody follows the law. Now, there are always exceptions. That's just life. Take, for example, Michael Flynn, the former Army general who was the president's national security adviser for 10 minutes before he shared secrets with the Russians and then lied about it. And, of course, there's good ol' Roger Stone. He lied to Congress about helping the Russians help Trump get elected and then tampered with the jury but, hey, what the heck, he and Donald go way back. But, stinkin' rats, like Michael Cohen, that's different—lock that f—ing snitch up! In this country, bad guys get what's coming, including those silly-ass, peaceful protesters at Lafayette Park across from the White House. President Trump is not going to let this country devolve into chaos. No way. He'll send his personal militia to those rotten cities, like Portland, where Democrats let people walk around chanting, "Black lives matter!" and spray-paint stuff. And if those little shits cry "fascism"—screw 'em. Trump is the law-and-order president, and he has total authority to keep the country free. And the videos are campaign gold.

If Everyone Had a Gun
Well, you Second Amendment lovers, we don't have to tell you that the only way to kill people is with a gun (with knives you have to get too close). And buying guns is good for the economy. Think of it: All those gun manufacturers and ammo companies and their employees. But it's more than that. Look at the 670,000-plus cops in this country—now that's a lot of jobs. And what about all the jails and prisons—more jobs. Without guns, we wouldn't need half of them. Now, lately, the news media is reporting that gun violence is spiking along with the coronavirus. And they keep reporting that stray bullets are killing children and babies in strollers. Well, as Bill O'Reilly says: "That's the price of freedom." Think about it, how free would they be in Chicago without guns? From Jan. 1 through May 31, there were 1,127 shootings there. How can you possibly stay safe in a place like that without a gun? Everybody needs a gun. Some people complain about guns and say stuff like the Second Amendment calls for a "well-regulated militia." But who cares what they think? Last year, there were only 15,292 fatal shootings in this country; some 23,854 suicides by gun and 29,613 non-fatal shootings. Heck, COVID-19 has killed way more than that, so what's the problem.

Postscript—Well sports fans, if you think everyone has gone freakin' nuts, you are the master of the obvious. The tinfoil-hat crowd has again come into prominence. We are living in Stupid Times. And this has nothing to do with Covid-19 and whether children should return to school in hazmat suits. Sinclair Broadcast Group (which loves Trump) operates some 200 local TV stations across the country—including KUTV Channel 2 in Salt Lake City—and was set to air a report describing a deadly conspiracy concocted by Dr. Anthony Fauci, who created the coronavirus and then sent it to China. This conspiracy was based on claims by Judy Mikovits in her viral video Plandemic, which has been completely debunked and banned by Facebook and YouTube. Sinclair bailed on airing its report at the last minute after Media Matters blew the whistle, and let loose a tsunami of scorn on the whacked-out broadcast company. You might have noticed, too, that the world did not end on July 22 as predetermined by scripture, according to Salt Lake Tribune writer Peggy Fletcher Stack. An LDS couple in Idaho said the event would bring the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. By coincidence—or not—the couple, Chad Daybell and Lori Vallow, are in jail facing charges related to the bodies of Vallow's son and daughter buried in Daybell's backyard. "[T]here are still hundreds if not thousands of Latter-day Saints—and other believers," Stack writes, "who are looking for signs of the prophesied apocalypse and insist it is imminent." Crazy? Oh, no. It's in the scriptures. Then, we had Trump's now infamous cognitive test where he aced identifying pictures of an elephant and a dog and was able to memorize and repeat: "person, woman, man, camera, TV," proving once again that he is a stable genius. Stupid Times, we ask you. And of course, we just can't get away from Monica Lewinsky, the woman who has made victimhood a cottage industry since her 1998 dalliance (that's the polite word for you-know-what) with Bill Clinton. Recently, Monica won Best "I Have a Joke" Tweet when she posted this: "I have an intern joke ... never mind." Hey, Monica, why don't you ... never mind.

Well, Wilson, what are you goin' to do? It's just a freakin' zoo out there. Get the band on the bus and get us out of here with an anthem for our insane times:

Something tells me
It's all happening at the zoo
I do believe it
I do believe it's true
mmmm oh ho ho ho

The monkeys stand for honesty
Giraffes are insincere
And the elephants are kindly but they're dumb
Orangutans are skeptical
Of changes in their cages
And the zookeeper is very fond of rum

Zebras are reactionaries
Antelopes are missionaries
Pigeons plot in secrecy
And hamsters turn on frequently
At the zoo
At the zoo...

("At the Zoo"—Paul Simon)

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