Intrigue, Conspiracies and Stolen Hard Drives | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Intrigue, Conspiracies and Stolen Hard Drives 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Did you hear the news? Rudy Giuliani somehow stumbled across Hunter Biden's laptop at a repair place in Hoboken and, for a small fee, Rudy got a copy of the hard drive. And what do you know, it had emails to Hunter from a Ukrainian boogeyman, saying if he could meet Hunter's dad, who was then-Vice President Joe Biden, Hunter would receive dollars galore, a condo in Monte Carlo and a season's pass to Madame Levinia's massage parlor and crack house. Well, this was all very interesting, so we dispatched the Smart Bomb staff to comb computer repair places, and you'll never believe it, but for a small sum, we got a hold of Congressman Chris Stewart's hard drive. He apparently got drunk and forgot about it. Yep, and in an email to California Rep. Devin Nunes, who doubles as Trump's personal valet, Stewart wondered how to juice up the conspiracy that the Deep State was planning a coup. Nunes: "We need to say something titillating, like pedophiles and eating babies." Stewart: "Yeah, and we could say the inside info is coming from an anonymous patriot, and we'll call him 'Q.'" Nunes: "Let's call him 'QAnon'— it has a ring to it." Stewart: "Totally, dude. And we'll create this online thing and say that only Trump can save us." Nunes: "Cool, and we can sell T-shirts."

Democratic Kamikaze Mission
Here we go again. Every four years some people start bellyaching that Utah is a one-party state run by Republican Mormon real estate guys. Meanwhile, Democrats find sacrificial lambs to run for statewide offices, knowing they don't stand an Aussie's chance at Gallipoli. Utah Democratic leader Brian King describes it as a "kamikaze mission." But wait. What does the Utah Democratic Party do when it isn't election time? Are they busy going to every town in Utah with statistics that show when Democrats are in office people are better off financially? Of course not. Do they go from county to county setting up vibrant organizations, like the Summit County Democratic Party? Nope. Does the Utah Democratic Party make trips to the Elks clubs and Rotary clubs around the state saying things like: "Why don't you have affordable health care?" Ixnay. Do you know who Greg Skordas is? He's a Democrat running for attorney general, but he might as well be the Phantom of the Paradise. And, like an Aussie rifleman in World War I, he'll get slaughtered. We'll be stuck with Mr. Zero, AG Sean Reyes, for another four years, along with boy scout Gov. Spencer "Hydroxychloroquine" Cox. Wonder why this is a one-party state? Wonder no longer.

Wine But No Church: Curtains for Utah Politicos
The truth is out: Greg—I abolished homelessness—Hughes was up to a little trickery during his unsuccessful primary campaign for Utah governor. According to Eric. S. Peterson and the Utah Investigative Journalism Project, Hughes' campaign was push polling, asking voters: "How do you feel about Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox receiving donations from a radical left group that supports open borders, gun control, abortions on demand and sex education in elementary school." (We couldn't possibly make this up.) Of course, Spencer Cox doesn't support those things—he'd lose his temple recommend. This was so nasty that the staff here at Smart Bomb had to follow up. Thanks to Wilson and the band, we found crumpled papers behind the Bar X that contained telephone instructions, apparently targeting Jon Huntsman Jr.'s campaign. The caller was to ask how the voter felt about the fact "that he speaks Chinese and had dinner with Vladimir Putin." Then the caller would ask if they knew "he dropped out of high school and rides a Harley." And here's the big one: The caller then asked "if they were aware he drinks wine and doesn't always go to church." No wonder Huntsman lost. You can't vote for someone who flakes out on priesthood meetings because he has a hangover. That's not righteous.

Postscript—Well, patriots, it's nail-biting time, and one of two things will happen come Nov. 5: Either the world will end, or the cockroaches will have to crawl back into the dark for at least another four years. Since Timothy McVeigh blew up the federal building in Oklahoma City in 1995, killing 168 and injuring 680, we haven't paid a lot of attention to those crazy guys playing army in the woods. But as Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer will tell you, they're still out there, getting ready to free the country from the Red Dawn or Hillary Clinton's pedophiles in the basement of that New York pizza place. They want to fight—just point them in a direction—any direction. The guys in Michigan planning to kidnap the governor were going to save America from itself. They'd storm the capitol in Lansing and call for all their white brothers to overthrow the U.S. government and then .... Well, they didn't get quite that far in their planning. We could blame Trump, or we could put it all on TV and movies, like Rambo, and forget about it. Or perhaps we should take all those militia guys and deprogram them by making them to watch re-runs of My Mother the Car and Mr. Ed, the talking horse. Crazy? Maybe, but we'd probably live in a more peaceful world, and it wouldn't necessarily be more insane.

Alright Wilson, get the band out of the bunker and send us off with something to help navigate the crazy wild world:

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you sad, girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware, beware

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl

—"Wild World" by Cat Stevens

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