In Heaven There is No Beer | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly

In Heaven There is No Beer 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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If you are a sheik from Qatar you can convince soccer's ruling body, FIFA, to award your tiny country the World Cup. You can buy a bunch of Airbus jetliners from France to capture its vote for the most prestigious soccer tournament in the world—only held every four years.

And if that's not enough, you can dump truckloads of cash on FIFA's driveway. Just pretend they didn't ask for it.

It matters little that your country is mostly sand dunes where scorching summer temperatures can bake shawarma. It matters little that hundreds of foreign workers die during construction of World Cup facilities and stadiums. But don't, under any circumstances, ban beer from the matches. That could draw criticism from every corner of the globe and make FIFA look bad.

That's right, Wilson, they could look bad for screwing up the beer. How do you expect European and American fans to watch a match without beer? It's insanity.

Alcohol is not illegal in Qatar, but drinking in public is. The sheikhs had 12 years to prepare but banned beer just two days before the kickoff. So organizers shifted gears and will serve non-alcoholic Bud Zero at the matches.

Alaho Akbar (God is great). There may be plenty of virgins in Paradise—but there ain't no beer. And that friends is why we drink it here.

Eaten Alive: Cruel and Unusual Punishment?
You are hereby sentenced to 1,000 mosquito bites. Imagine a judge meting out justice that way. Well, if the lawbreaker is sent to the new $1 billion Utah State Prison, it won't be far from reality.

Under the headline "Eaten Alive," The Salt Lake Tribune reported that Utah Department of Corrections officials didn't expect mosquitoes to be such a problem. But the staff here at Smart Bomb sure did, as reflected in our July 19 edition: "[I]nmates took the scenic bus ride from Draper to the new joint on Mosquito Flats west of the airport." (No applause, please.)

Inmates and prison staff were covered in bites until the weather turned cold. The mosquitoes will be back in May but executives have yet to devise an abatement plan. One option would spray pesticides over the prison from airplanes—an added bonus to a stint at the big house. (Carcinogens, anyone?)

Fact is, Corrections brass didn't have much choice but to move to mosquito habitat because the land under the old prison had become too valuable. "Visionaries'' and their buddies on Capitol Hill have a great plan: A 600-acre "model live-work community" that would create 40,000 "great, cutting-edge jobs" and a gold mine for a few on the ground floor—the ground floor in Draper, far, far away from Mosquito Flats.

Let the Inquisitions Begin
Now that Republicans have taken control of the House, Americans can finally get what they really want: investigations of the Biden Crime Family—Hunter Biden, President Biden and his dog Major, who bites Republicans visiting the White House. There will be other probes, including one of the House Select Committee on Jan. 6 and where Liz Cheney gets her hair done; Attorney General Merrick Garland; FBI chief Chris Wray; and probably Ken Jennings and Jeopardy.

These inquisitions are bound to pay dividends in lower gasoline prices, reduced inflation and interest rates, affordable housing and decreased carbon emissions—with luck, they will destroy Biden's socialist agenda for the underserved in health, education and economic opportunity. It's a whole new ballgame, folks, with cuts to Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security and green energy.

Leading the way will be the patriot from Ohio, Rep. Jim Jordan, who never wears suit coats because they make him look like a sleazy politician. Just because he called the story of a 10-year-old Ohio girl who got an abortion after she was raped, "another lie," doesn't mean he's not a statesman. What is a statesman, anyway, but someone who screams at House committee witnesses. Hey, Dr. Anthony Fauci, better watch your six!

Postscript—That'll just about do it for another fun-filled week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Elon Musk so you don't have to. While he was giving the boot to 3,700 Twitter employees, Musk tweeted, let's make Twitter "maximum fun." Right.

Here's something from our "Life Elevated" file: Frog eye salad has a special place in Utah lore. Last week, Smart Bomb reported on psychedelic toads from the Sonoran Desert, but their eyes are not in most recipes for frog eye salad. No one is sure how it came about, but the buzz at Relief Society is that Latter-day Saint women concocted frog eye salad with saltpeter to keep their frisky husbands down on the farm—no pun intended.

There's a mean joke that public schools have litter boxes in restrooms for kids wearing faux animal tails—but this is for real: Herschel Walker, the Georgia GOP candidate for Senate, said: "I don't want to be a vampire anymore. I want to be a werewolf." Can you beat that?

Try this: Right-wing podcaster Ben Shapiro says Martians would be against same-sex marriage. "You could be a visitor from Mars and you could see that all of human procreation relies on man, woman, child." He later said he hadn't actually talked to Martians but he's pretty sure Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito has.

Alright Wilson, we've finally come into some big news that the band knows something about—beer drinkin'. So maybe you and the guys can dish up one of your libation faves for those poor World Cup fans roasting like shawarma in Qatar. Ready, OK, hit it:

I wasn't born for diggin' deep holes
I'm not made for pavin' long roads
I aint cut out to climb high line poles
But I'm pretty good at drinkin beer

So hand me one more
That's what I'm here for
I'm built for having a ball
I love the nightlife
I love my Bud Light
I like 'em cold and tall

I ain't much for mowin' thick grass
I'm too slow for workin' too fast
I don't do windows so honey don't ask
But I'm pretty good at drinkin' beer

A go getter maybe I'm not
I'm not known for doin' a lot
But I do my best work when the weather's hot
I'm pretty good at drinkin' beer

So hand me one more
That's what I'm here for
I'm built for having a ball
I love the nightlife
I love my Bud Light
I like 'em cold and tall
"Pretty Good at Drinking Beer"—Billy Carrington

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