A group of Utah Democrats—make that a group of furious Democrats—are fixin' to sue the Utah Legislature for its hardcore gerrymandering in Salt Lake County—a rare Dem stronghold.
This wasn't just any old gerrymandering, either. It gives the original gerrymander a run for its money. That was in 1812 when Massachusetts Gov. Elbridge Gerry signed a law that created a voting district in Boston that looked like a salamander. (No Wilson, we are not making this up.)
Utah's new districts make it practically impossible for a Democrat (read: non-Mormon) to get elected to Congress. Some are considering legal action based on religion, but it's a little tricky.
Every male, Mormon legislator holds the priesthood and therefore is a representative of the LDS Church. And, the theory goes, if you were to line up those who voted in 2019 not to increase the alcohol content in beer with those who voted for the gerrymandered districts it would reveal a pattern that looks suspiciously like a conspiracy against majority non-Mormon Salt Lake County voters: Voilà! illegal districts.
Of course, there are other theories, like this one: GOP bigwigs in D.C. told Utah GOP leaders: "Screw the Democrats, they're a bunch of commies and we're done with the two-party system." And that's totally legal.
California to Offer Free Roundtrip and Abortion
OK all you right-to-lifers out there, get this: California is about to become a "sanctuary" state of reproductive care for women who won't be able to obtain a legal abortion if the U.S. Supreme Court overturns Roe v. Wade. And that ain't all. The California Future Abortion Council would pay for travel, accommodations and the procedure. (The suntan is optional.)
Wilson and the guys in the band are thinking of applying just to teak a break for winter. Let us know, guys, how that turns out.
According to The New York Times, if Roe were tossed, 41% of women of childbearing age would see the nearest abortion clinic close, and the average distance they would have to travel to reach one would be 280 miles—up from 36 miles now.
Ten states—including Idaho and Utah—have passed so-called "trigger" laws, which would automatically ban all abortions without Roe. An additional 12 states are considered highly likely to pass new abortion bans.
California's proposed program would throw cold sea water on anti-abortion crusaders who have been at work for decades in an organized effort to end safe and legal abortion in the U.S. But under the California plan, women could come home with a tan and no one would be the wiser.
Mormon Music Man Pans LDS Leaders as Skinflints
"Seventy-six trombones led the big parade/With a hundred and ten cornets close at hand/They were followed by rows and rows of the finest virtuo-Sos..." Hold it, cut, cut, cut. That's not the spirit of David Nolan's soon-to-be produced musical, "The Good Shepherds," a satire on the LDS Church.
See, Brother Nolan is a good Mormon and when he hit financial straits he went to his church for help. His bishop offered him $40 and sent him away. Then Nolan heard that the church had $100 billion stashed away for so-called "charitable" purposes. His response: Don't quit the faith, write a musical instead.
So Wilson and the Smart Bomb Band set out to help with a song or two. Here we go: "Trouble, oh we got trouble/Right here in Salt Lake City!/Trouble with a capital 'T'/that rhymes with 'B'/and that stands for $ Billions/We surely got trouble!/Right here in Zion/Gotta figger out a way to pry/bucks from them church guys way up high..."
Brother Nolan still keeps his faith in the LDS Church. He just wants the big guys in the Tower of Power to try a little kindness. "You've got to try a little kindness/And overlook the mindlessness/of the dumb, little people in need/So give it up brothers and help all the others/So it won't look like you've fallen to greed..."
Postscript—Well, we're off to a marvelous start to the New Year here at Smart Bomb, where the staff keeps track of attempts to break up the United States so you don't have to. The Georgia peach pit, Majorie Taylor Greene, has proposed a "national divorce" between red states and blue states. Civil War anybody?
She pulls weird stuff like this all the time to coax her whack-a-doodle fans into sending her money. Coincidentally—or not—the Federal Election Commission (FEC) has asked Greene for more information on $3.5 million in contributions to her re-election campaign. But there is good news—her personal Twitter account has been permanently suspended after she tweeted that COVID-19 vaccines were "failing."
More good news: Utah Republican Chris Stewart will not replace California Rep. Devin Nunes as the lead Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. Stewart, the self-professed smartest-person-in-the-room, got passed over as Nunes—aka Trump's butler—will become CEO of the Titanic—aka Trump's new media company.
Sources say Stewart did not get the post because he's always rushing around saying, "The sky is falling. The sky is falling," which doesn't mesh well with the title, "Chairman of Intelligence."
Alright Wilson, if we had any sense at all we'd take January off and escape to the British Virgin Islands where they have something like 20 different kinds of rum. Alas, we're stuck in Omicron Hell. But maybe you and the guys have a little something that might help us imagine we're somewhere in the Caribbean with sand between our toes:
Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya
Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama
Key Largo, Montego,
baby why don't we go
Off the Florida Keys
there's a place called Kokomo
That's where you wanna go
to get away from it all
Bodies in the sand,
tropical drink melting in your hand
We'll be falling in love
to the rhythm of a steel drum band
Down in Kokomo
Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take you to
Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama
Key Largo, Montego,
baby why don't we go...<
"Kokomo"—The Beach Boys