Hideous Worldwide Karma | News | Salt Lake City Weekly

Hideous Worldwide Karma 

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It’s official, says the Salt Lake Tribune, Olympic Guru Mitt Romney might possibly think about considering whether to run for political office here in Zion—maybe. Let’s face it, come March 1, the Mittster will be out of a job.

The handsome and charming Bostonian looks like the perfect Utah candidate. He is—obviously—male. He is white. He has Utah roots (you know what that means). And, he is a Republican.

So far, so good. Now let’s look at what the Mittster might do. He could wait around until Senator For Life Orrin Hatch dies. Or, he could wait until our other Senator For Life Bob Bennett retires. That’s more likely, but looks to be a long way off, too. Or, he could wait until Governor For Life Mike Leavitt joins the Bush Administration. Or he might consider going against Congressmen For Life Jim Hansen or Chris Cannon. But the House of Representatives is a little beneath Mitt.

What’s left, porn czar?

News of the upcoming Great Olympic Scandal Trial reaches around the globe and has been noted in the hilltop hideaway of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson near Woody Creek, Colo. The doctor of Gonzo Journalism weighed in recently on ESPN’s web page:

“First, it was felony bribery, then a rash of scandalous sex crimes, and finally a plague of meat-eating crickets … It is an open secret now, that Salt Lake City’s giddy ambition to host the first Winter Olympics on U.S. soil since 1980 is doomed to shame and failure … Salt Lake City has developed such hideous worldwide karma that success is out of the question.”

Since we’re on the subject of party animals; while Gov. Leavitt was Down Under making his own survey—on the taxpayer’s dime—of the aftermath of Sydney’s Olympics, a couple of his sons, Taylor and Bud, were trashing the Governor’s Mansion with a little help from their 200 closest friends.

Salt Lake City police were called when neighbors complained of loud music and a mosh pit in the flower garden after midnight. The police report gave no information on spiked punch. The youngsters apparently were on a sugar high.

Local folk hero and urban legend Sean Diener (rhymes with wiener), has been arrested again. This time the Salt Lake director of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) was busted with James Cromwell, who starred in the movie Babe about a sheep-herding pig. Diener and Cromwell entered a Wendy’s restaurant in Vienna, Va., announcing to the lunchtime crowd that Wendy’s keeps sows in stalls so small the animals can’t even turn around and that the chain buys chickens with broken bones from mishandling.

The restaurant closed for the day and Diener and Cromwell were hauled off to the slammer.

And finally this: The complexities of bringing Yugoslav strongman Slobodan Milosevic to the Netherlands to strand trial for war crimes are staggering. He finally arrived under armed guard at The Hague, but the airline had lost his luggage. What else is new?

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