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Help Greta Get A Pet 

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“Rocky Powered By Gas,” proclaimed a headline in the Deseret News recently.

Well, here at SmartBomb, we don’t intend to dignify that comment with a response, except to note that the mayor’s critics have been saying that for some time. It really isn’t news.

But here is something new concerning the mayor: He’s parked his gas-guzzling, air-polluting, Suburban Hog-mobile and has purchased a used Honda. Sources close to City Hall said the mayor bought the big Chevy before the election so he could look like a big stud. Talk about a makeover—the nerd-like, rusting, white subcompact runs on clean-burning natural gas that Rocky buys from Questar. (We’re also going to refrain from launching into a harangue about those bloodsuckers over at the gas company.)

Rocky “I Love the Environment” Anderson also has been pushing for increased bicycle use and bicycle safety. To promote bike riding, the mayor held a photo op recently where he and a bunch of bureaucrats rode bikes around City Hall. It would have gone off nicely had not the mayor’s pasty white legs blinded photographers on the scene. At least Deedee had nice legs.

Deeda Seed, Rocky’s chief of staff, promised to forward to the mayor a memo from the Utah Chapter of the Society of Professional Journalists pleading with him to work on his tan before next year’s bike day—or at the very least wear long spandex pants to cover up those unsightly pale appendages. Jeez.

Speaking of legs, an outfit called Sulzer Orthopedics took out full-page ads in Salt Lake City’s daily newspapers to announce to orthopedic surgeons that it was recalling some of its Inter-Op™ hip implant parts.

So how does that work, anyway? Is it anything like a recall on the timing belt in the family mini-van? Just bring her on in and we’ll switch the hip for ya. Give us a break—no pun intended.

As the staff of SmartBomb predicted over a pitcher of Bud at Junior’s Tavern, Gayle Ruzicka was named as one of the most powerful people in Utah by the Deseret News. The Mormon-church owned paper commissioned polls, questioned insiders and pulled out Editor John Hugh’s Ouija Board to determine who runs things in Utah.

But what the afternoon paper has not revealed, we have learned from unconfirmed sources, is that Tribune Editor James E. Shelledy was identified by the project as the state’s 22nd-most powerful person. He came in right behind Janalee “That’s My Gun, Buster” Tobias at 21. Perhaps to avoid embarrassment, our sources say News editors cut off the reporting at 20.

And finally this: In the June issue of the glossy Salt Lake magazine, a number of well-known Utahns are featured with their pets. The exception is a feature on Greta Belanger deJong, editor of Catalyst magazine, who bemoaned the fact that she needed a kitty or puppy. Anyone wishing to donate a pet to Greta can call her at the Catalyst at 363-1505.

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More by Christopher Smart

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