Happy Apocalypse, President Palin | Private Eye | Salt Lake City Weekly

Happy Apocalypse, President Palin 

Just as the Mayans predicted, the death comet of 2012 remains on course.

Pin It
Sarah Palin - NEWSWEEK
  • Newsweek
  • Sarah Palin

The closest I ever came to the Mayan civilization was when I visited the Tulum ruins near Cancun and, later, when I ate some chocolate mole at the Red Iguana. The various mole sauces served at Red Iguana are said to be Aztecan in origin, not Mayan, but eating Aztecan fare is far closer to the Mayan diet (or what I suspect the Mayan diet comprises) than my own standard fare of Greek sauces like avoglemono. At Tulum, the only thing served was the beating sun. So, outside of those two brief encounters, I don’t know much about the Mayans.

I know that before they began eating each other or falling prey to various plagues and sundry armies, they built pyramids and had some big-time cities all over Central America. I know they were short in stature despite the fact those stairs going up the pyramids are difficult even for tall people to ascend. I’m pretty sure they were adept at growing vegetables, but I don’t know what they ate for protein. Insects and fish, maybe.

A few years ago, I read a book that explained how Antarctica was mapped by ancient mariners centuries before the modern-day accepted date of its discovery. The book began in Antarctica (speculatively Atlantis), then took a trail up through South America, where the author said white men in long robes brought knowledge to the Incas. The author also made a case that the Mayans, too, were taught some big-time secrets by the tall, bearded white men.

I then learned the world is going to end in the year 2012 because that’s when the Mayan calendar ends, and it has to do with Earth’s life cycle along with the alignment of certain planets, stars and constellations. For a guy who wasn’t there, he wrote quite an account and one that—despite my skepticism about his version of pre-history South America—kept me thinking, “Well, maybe so, yeah, I can believe that. Maybe.”

That’s all I remember. I can’t find the book now and have forgotten its name and author. If any of the above rings a bell, let me know because searching for it online has led me nowhere. In fact, it’s made it worse—there must be hundreds of books and thousands of articles available about the doomsday that awaits us in just over two years. For the past hour, I’ve been reading one scary headline and equally frightening scenario after another, all related to the Earth and our civilization abruptly coming to an end in 2012. Makes me wonder why anyone would bid on the 2016 Olympic Games, but apparently some earthlings maintain rosy attitudes about surviving earthquakes, volcanoes, disease, pestilence, floods and Sarah Palin.

That’s right. Of all the scary things I saw online today, a remark by Sarah Palin that she “wants to play a major role in national politics” was the scariest. Her statement added that she wants that role, “if the people will have me” and is a clear indication she’s aligning herself—and measuring base support—for a presidential run in 2012. That’s it. That’s the end. Put down your Mayan calendars and save the $12 by skipping the movie.

You’re all brave and hearty Americans, blessed with desire and a winning attitude that can deal with rising Earth temperatures, snow in July, wine-making in Montana, and our coastal cities all taking on the water depth and texture of Venice, Italy. You can steer around excess lava flows, take shelter from gale force winds, and you know if you avoid the Los Angeles freeways, you won’t be crushed under them when they topple. Hell, thanks to Fidel Castro’s Cuba, you’ve even learned to deal with Communists as next-door neighbors. You mostly believe in a supreme higher being, one who is fair and just, one who protects you from evil.

The trouble is, that higher being stops at protecting you from evil. She or he cannot protect you from stupid. I must have been asleep. I must have been stupid. When I last looked, Sarah Palin was saying, “See ya, suckers!” to the citizens of Alaska when she resigned as their governor.

Now, she has a book out—another prerequisite for seeking major political office—that not only puts her back in the spotlight but also gives her the chance to rewrite history in her favor. And she does. According to scores of articles, it appears that Sarah Palin has little use for such a pesky item as a fact checker. Instead of being taken to task for those misappropriations of the truth, she’s instead found posing with Oprah Winfrey and being coddled by Barbara Walters. And, why not?

Last year they would have chewed her up and spit her out—assuming they would have given her the time of day, which they did not.

This year, with a million fans on Facebook, the father of her grandchild baring his ass for Playgirl, a husband who disappears more than David Copperfield, the abandonment of her governorship, another Newsweek cover (Palin calls it a “sexist” cover although she posed for that leggy shot and happily rides the sexy horse for the unsexy Republican party), plus a best-selling fictional novel, she’s welcome in the Winfrey/Walters softball tent. Watch the YouTube videos as Oprah redefines the words “kid gloves.” Those looked like adoring eyes, not piercing eyes. Besides doing nearly everything well, Oprah excels at sympathy. Just ask President Obama.

That means more legitimacy for Palin. Just as the Mayans predicted, the death comet set on destroying Washington, D.C., in 2012 remains on course.

The devil works in mysterious ways, I tell ya.

Pin It

About The Author

John Saltas

John Saltas

John Saltas, Utah native and journalism/mass communication graduate from the University of Utah, founded City Weekly as a small newsletter in 1984. He served as the newspaper's first editor and publisher and now, as founder and executive editor, he contributes a column under the banner of Private Eye, (the original... more

© 2023 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation