GOP Battle Cry: "Get Rid of Your Diaper!" | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly

GOP Battle Cry: "Get Rid of Your Diaper!" 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Who would have guessed the new battle cry of the Trump wing of the GOP would be, "Get rid of your diaper!"? Although it's a great T-shirt slogan, it's somewhat limited because it's hard to sing, although Marjorie Taylor Greene did give it a good try. The failure could have something to do with the acoustics as she bellowed through the office-door mail slot of New York Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Here at Smart Bomb, the staff has been unable to discern the origin of the catchy phrase. It may have been the product of focus groups in Taylor's backwoods Georgia district, although our analysts think it might be too sophisticated for her constituents, who are more likely to come up with something like, "Get rid of your taco!" Perhaps Taylor Greene paid an expensive K Street PR firm to come up the colorful maxim. The Trumper firebrand had a few other gems up her sleeve: She called AOC a "chicken," which impressed some of her Republican colleagues for its finesse. But all that was just a warmup for the heavy artillery when she called AOC a "radical socialist," adding: "You don't care about the American people." But as a former Bronx bartender, AOC appeared unrattled when she retorted, "I used to throw people like her out of the bar all the time."

Wingman Ready to Sing, Man
Ever wonder what someone means when they say, "He's my wingman"? It used to mean a pilot whose plane is positioned behind and outside the leading aircraft in a formation. Then hockey players appropriated it for forwards, who generally do most of the scoring. But now wingman can mean almost anything. For Trumpist Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz, it means something like "fixer," or maybe "pimp," but, boy, did his wingman score. Of course, those are just allegations that came out when the feds investigated Gaetz' wingman, Joel Greenberg, who faces a 33-count indictment and will probably need a wingman, himself, when he ends up in the Big House alongside guys who have pretty good slap shots. If Gaetz' wingman sings, the congressman could face charges that include sex trafficking of a minor. There have been more famous wingmen, of course, like Sundance was to Butch, like Spiro Agnew was to Richard Nixon, like Pence was to Trump, like Tonto was to the Lone Ranger, like Dale Evans was to Roy Rogers and like Mike Lee is to Ted Cruz (the Laurel and Hardy of the Senate). But not even Agnew and Nixon were charged with sex trafficking. Let's not forget, Gaetz is innocent until proven guilty. And anyway, the girl said she was 18.

Stewart and Curtis: Off With Her Head
Time to roll out the old guillotine. See, when you have a revolution, everyone has to go along, and if they don't, you have to cut their heads off. In the case of Wyoming's Congresswoman Liz Cheney, some say she's getting it on the neck for telling the truth about The Big Lie and that the Jan. 6 insurrection was no picnic. But here in Utah, our Rep. John Curtis can explain the whole thing away: "Well, I think the thing that's been frustrating to me is missing the narrative that she was not removed because of her stance on President Trump, nor because of her statements," Curtis said. "It's that she is not leading this party in a way that will help us." That is, help them undermine democracy or prove the Earth is flat. We also have Rep. Chris Stewart to help us understand what Curtis said: "This was not a vote to condemn Rep. Cheney for her previous vote of conscience (to impeach Trump); this was a vote to unify the Republican Party," so we don't have that bitch going on and on about The Big Lie. We can't keep talking about how the election was stolen and how January 6 was just a big party incited by Donald Trump. That would just continue to make us look like assholes who chose Trump over Truth. Oh, and by the way, don't put away the guillotine—Mitt Romney, you're next.

Postscript—Well that about does it for another crazy week here on As the World Turns, aka Smart Bomb. Some of us worry too much, and some don't worry enough. If you're in the second group, we can help: Consider this—our birth rate is declining and has reached 1.7 children per couple. Pencil this out, and you will find that is 0.3 of a person short of replacing the current population. What's wrong with that, you might ask? The swimming pools and golf courses are too crowded, and, almost as bad, people are starving in Bangladesh. Why can't we just go back to a less-crowded world where you could get up Little Cottonwood Canyon? Well because, stupid, capitalism demands growth. There must be an expansion of goods and services—and people to purchase them. It can't work in reverse. So, for us in the U.S, the short-term solution is that we need immigrants. What do you think all those Turkish guys are doing in Germany (other than the blonde women, of course)? That's right, Germans stopped reproducing (too much beer?). Smart Bomb analysts have considered the data and made a prediction: Ten years from now, Trumpers will be inviting immigrants from everywhere and anywhere. And when you ask, they'll say, "What's a Trump?"

Well, Wilson, here it is May, the most beautiful month of the year, and everything is coming up roses. So, how about you and the guys play a little cheery something for Matt Gaetz and his sidekick Joel Greenberg?

If I had a boat
I'd go out on the ocean
And if I had a pony
I'd ride him on my boat
And we could all together
Go out on the ocean
Me upon my pony on my boat

If I were Roy Rogers
I'd sure enough be single
I couldn't bring myself to marrying old Dale
It'd just be me and Trigger
We'd go riding through them movies
Then we'd buy a boat and on the sea we'd sail

The mystery masked man was smart
He got himself a Tonto
'Cause Tonto did the dirty work for free
But Tonto he was smarter
And one day said "Kemo sabe,
Kiss my ass I bought a boat
I'm going out to sea...

"If I Had A Boat"— Lyle Lovett

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