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God Bless America—Please 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Dear Lord, where to start. Please tell the haters to stop hating. OK, OK, that's too general. Try this: Tell the people in Idaho that Trump didn't win the election. We know, that's really not how you work, Lord, but if you can part the Red Sea, this shouldn't be such a big deal. Jesus preached love and understanding, so like, Lord, what is with the evangelicals who espouse hate and that America without guns is not America, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. And QAnon? Democrats eating babies? It would be funny, Lord, but they believe it. They prefer a false prophet to Baby Eaters, and who can blame them? The Bible is full of tales where people are led astray by others who are up to no good. The Good Book doesn't come right out and call them Republicans, Lord, but like you've always said, if the sandal fits. ...We know, that's Old Testament, but still. Our new shepherd, Joe Biden, has big problems to solve: the pandemic, the economy, the climate, Ted Cruz ... it's a long list. As you know, Joe likes to pray a lot. So, the staff here at Smart Bomb is breaking with tradition—except for Wilson and the band—and we are praying that you will help him kill those philistines with kindness. Not actually "kill" them, but you get it, right?

The Edsel, the Hindenburg and a Gondola to Alta

After decades of study (read squabbling over free lunch), the committee to perpetuate itself has determined that the best way to get multitudes up the totally overused Little Cottonwood Canyon is by gondola. Utah Gov. Spencer Cox, says he is "leaning toward" a gondola, rather than cog rail or enhanced bus service, because he thinks gondolas are cool. But seriously, that would join the flying tank and the vacuum beauty helmet on the list of dumbest ideas ever. First, you would need a gigantic parking lot at the base of the gondola near the canyon's mouth. Second, by the time you stand in line, get loaded and travel the nine miles up the canyon, it will be noon. The only advantage, according to Wilson, is that you could get good and stoned on the long ride up. Cox says he will wait for studies and a public process to make his decision official. But don't forget Greg Hughes and friends at the UTA rode trains in the Swiss Alps from one five-star lodge to the next in order to help with the analysis. Maybe if Hughes were governor (perish the thought), we'd get a train. But then you'd need a gigantic parking lot... On the other hand, we could have buses departing from many locations with little parking lots, and it would save a ton of taxpayer dough. And, that's why it's totally out of the question.

Chris Stewart Sees Abe Lincoln in the Mirror

Utah Republican Rep. Chris Stewart wrote an op-ed in the Deseret News recently with the headline, "America Needs Heroes Right Now," in which he cited Abraham Lincoln as the nation's great healer and his hero. The staff here at Smart Bomb was hoping he wasn't looking in the mirror when he said that. If he wasn't laughing, he's an imbecile. Stewart, one of Trump's stalwart ass-kissers, says he's shocked that an angry mob overran the Capitol on Jan. 6. "I unequivocally condemn anyone who destroyed property, assaulted police or intended to commit violence. ... " He forgot to mention how for weeks Trump summoned his followers to D.C. and then in a one-hour diatribe told them to march to the Capitol and take their country back. Stewart and Burgess Owens were among 147 Republicans who gave Trump's big lie—Stop the Steal—credibility by refusing to certify the election of Joe Biden. "It seems there is a sense of severe disquiet in America," Stewart said. "Something is broken in our society." Gee, now, how did that happen? It didn't have anything to do with Democrats stealing the election, did it? It wasn't years of vilifying Nancy Pelosi as the devil, was it? It wasn't labeling AOC and Dems as socialists, was it? Abraham Lincoln? Give us a f—ing break.

Postscript—Well, that's a wrap for another week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of White Supremacists, so you don't have to. One thing continues to puzzle us: Why are the so-called White Supremacists such knuckle-draggers? Purity of race? They have to be kidding. These people are giving Neanderthals a bad name. We have learned that some of those white knuckle-draggers at QAnon are bummed out because "The Storm"—otherwise known as their white lightning-induced prophecy—didn't come true. According to Qers, Trump was supposed to declare martial law and install himself as El Presidente and then there would be all kinds of public hangings: most notably Democrats and Mike Pence. Getting hanged is bad enough, but getting hanged with Mike Pence? That is cruel and unusual punishment. To make a weird story short, everyone in QLand was to live happily ever after, including crazy Michael Flynn who would be QAnon's Grand Something-or-Other and would wear robes and a conical hat. But Trump split to Mar-A-Lago, and the Qers had been had. They probably still don't realize that everyone who deals with Trump eventually finds themselves in a big pile of something that stinks. We call it Trumpism.

Well, Wilson here we are in a brand new post-Trump reality. If it weren't for the deadly pandemic, we'd be partying like it was Mardi Gras. But until the vaccine gets here, we'll have to stick close to home. You and the homebodies in the band surely must have a theme song for that:

Clouds so swift

Rain won't lift

Gate won't close

Railings froze

Get your mind of wintertime

You ain't goin' nowhere

Whoo-ee ride me high

Tomorrow's the day

My bride's gonna come

Oh, oh, are we gonna fly

Down in the easy chair!

I don't care

How many letters they sent

Morning came and morning went

Pick up your money

And pack up your tent

You ain't goin' nowhere

Whoo-ee ride me high

Tomorrow's the day

My bride's gonna come

Oh, oh, are we gonna fly

Down in the easy chair!

"You Ain't Goin' Nowhere"—Bob Dylan

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