Glazed & Confused 

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Highly placed sources have confirmed that embattled Utah Attorney General John Swallow plans to use the controversial “Krispy Kreme defense” to fight charges of bribery in the notorious Jeremy Johnson case. According to legal experts, the Krispy Kreme defense is not as wacky as it might seem: It has a well-established precedent in the famous “Twinkie defense” used by San Francisco supervisor Dan White in his 1979 trial for the murders of George Moscone and Harvey Milk.

Readers will recall that Mr. White was able to get off with simple manslaughter rather than first-degree murder by arguing that his steady diet of Twinkies resulted in diminished mental function and the incapacity to distinguish between right and wrong. Photos from his arrest show Twinkie crumbs and smears of vanilla cream filling on his lips, chin and left cheek.

The idea for Mr. Swallow’s Krispy Kreme defense apparently came during a strategy session at the Attorney General’s Office after several hours of futile brainstorming. To lighten the mood, one of Mr. Swallow’s assistants began to tease him about going through almost an entire box of Krispy Kreme original glazed donuts (there is some dispute, however, about whether the attorney general had been ingesting original glazed or chocolate-iced with sprinkles).

All of a sudden, another assistant, no doubt experiencing his own sugar rush, jumped from his swivel chair and shouted, “I’ve got it! I’ve got it! Remember Dan White and the Twinkie defense? Let’s file a motion of habeas donutus, and claim that Jeremy Johnson showed malice aforethought in plying poor John with piles of Krispy Kremes—original glazed, chocolate-iced cream-filled, chocolate-iced with sprinkles, glazed raspberry-filled, glazed donut holes, etc. John can argue that he was so hyped up with sugar, saturated fats and harmful food additives that he lost all sense of ethical responsibility.”

Another member of team Swallow, who had only had a bite of someone else’s chocolate-sprinkles Krispy Kreme, objected, on grounds that their boss hadn’t murdered anyone.

“The attorney general didn’t blow anybody’s head off, he was merely trying to help a close personal friend circumvent the law. Call it a bribe, call it lobbying. It’s something we do every day here in Utah. That’s what friends are for. I say we utilize the time-honored “Utah defense,” namely, that good people are incapable of doing bad things, and if we happen to do bad things, they are not really bad, because as good people, we just don’t do bad things. Simple as pie. Or simple as a donut.”

A heated discussion ensued, with arguments, insults and, in some cases, donuts hurled across the table. A vote was finally taken, and those in favor of the Krispy Kreme defense won by a slim margin. As a gesture of unity, the whole Attorney General’s Office repaired to the Krispy Kreme in Murray, the same Krispy Kreme emporium where Mr. Swallow, under the influence of several original glazed donuts, was caught on tape making incriminating statements to Jeremy Johnson, the accused fraudster and Krispy Kreme dealer.

Legal experts point to a transcript of that same Krispy Kreme colloquy as proof of Mr. Swallow’s donut impairment and consequent diminished capacity. Mental deficits are evident in several of his exchanges with Mr. Johnson. When, for example, Mr. Johnson remarks that the only one the feds “would like to roast more than me is a public official,” the discombobulated and sugar-addled public official replies, “Is a what?” Mr. Johnson answers, “A public official.” Mr. Swallow: “Right.”

Later in the conversation, after Mr. Johnson tries to allay Mr. Swallow’s fears of being convicted, the Krispy Kreme inebriate starts feeling sorry for himself in the weepy way familiar to those who have to deal with victims of donut addiction.

“But, at the end of the day, I don’t want to be a felon.” You can almost hear the sobs.

In the mean time, the attorney general has been trying to wean himself from Krispy Kremes. His blood is being monitored for the presence of sodium stearoyl lacrylate, a key ingredient of Krispy Kremes that doctors think may be responsible for the impaired ethical judgment and/or criminal behavior displayed by the attorney general.

If worse comes to worst and the attorney general is indicted for bribery, he plans to go on national TV and come clean about his addiction to Krispy Kreme original glazed donuts. Already, his people have been in discussions with Katie Couric, Oprah and Dr. Phil.