Giving Lemmings a Bad Name | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Giving Lemmings a Bad Name 

The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Is it mass hysteria? Is it worship of a false prophet? Is it one, big cult led by one, big cult figure? This much is true: Trump supporters are giving lemmings a bad name. Hey, where's the nearest cliff? This must be what Galileo faced when he said the Earth wasn't the center of the universe. Hey, look through the friggin' telescope, for God's sake. Even Fox News has conceded that Trump lost the election. For at least four years now, half the country has been asking, what are those Trumpers thinking? He is a record-breaking liar. He screwed everyone who has ever worked for him. He defaulted on every bank in the land. He has no loyalty to anyone, including our allies but kisses up to dictators. (We won't even get into babies in cages and the pandemic.) And yet tens of millions of people think he is the Second Coming. Years from now, pathologists will do autopsies on the brains of Trump loyalists and may find some interesting things—flesh-eating bacteria, perhaps, or a weird fungus from outer space. Just as bad are his D.C. sycophants (who are actually giving sycophants a bad name). They know he's toast but won't take his sandbox away. Maybe we should halt production of Kool-Aid. Jim Jones would just love this shit.

What's Right With America
1. Hamburgers and french fries
2. Saturday Night Live
3. Wild Mustangs
4. The state fair and kids with cotton candy
5. The Rocky Mountains in springtime
6. The Boston Red Sox
7. Root beer floats
8. The Redwoods on a sunny day
9. Delta blues and Memphis, Tennessee
10. Kentucky Straight Bourbon

Un-Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
"As-salamu alaykum, bitches!" says Jen Shah in the first episode of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Translation: Peace be with you, bitches. WTF. Jen Shah lives in Park City—well, it's kinda close to Salt Lake City, and anyway it's hard to find people who lounge around the house in furs and spike heels. Buzz kill: The LDS Church-owned Deseret News gave the new series a lukewarm (as in ice-cold) review. But get this: Real Housewife Mary Crosby got her family's empire of Pentecostal churches, and she's loaded. But to do it, she had to marry her grandmother's second husband. (We couldn't possibly make this up.) That's right, she's married to her own step-grandfather. Utahns didn't even do that when polygamy was legal. And the hits just keep coming: Heather Gray, a good Mormon, owns a Botox salon, and it does a brisk business. "It's like putting your hand in a river of money," she said, "because attaining perfection is a Mormon pastime." BTW, Heather's ex-husband's grandfather was Howard Hughes' driver and got a slice of the pie when the old guy kicked. Hubby hit the road, and now she's "sowing her oats and indulging in all things not in line with a good Mormon woman." Holy shit. Quick, Martha, put the kids to bed.

Postscript—That about does it for another scary week here at Smart Bomb where El Presidente Donald keeps on making history by barricading himself in the Oval Office and coming out only for Big Macs. Even his fans in QAnon are beginning to get the inkling that moving vans will soon pull up to the White House and wheel him out on a dolly. Nerves are a bit tattered within the crazy conspiracy group because a Trump defeat didn't fit into their scripture, where he saves the globe from pedophile Democrats who eat baby body parts on their pizza. Makes you wonder how that will impact good ol' Clarence Burgess Owens Jr. The former New York Jet and avid Trump supporter embraced QAnon during the campaign for Utah's 4th District congressional seat. He won a squeaker over one-term Democrat Ben McAdams. And by the by, Owens and Trump do have something in common—they both declared bankruptcy a bunch of times. There, he does have qualifications, after all. Wilson and the band just can't believe that $20 million was pumped into the Owens/McAdams race. Yes Wilson, that would buy a whole lot of tequila. Twenty million bucks? Something may be rotten in Denmark, but it smells even worse here.

Well, Wilson, we've got a dangerous, wounded, lame duck at the helm and lord only knows what's spinning around that crazy, orange buffalo head of his. In the meantime, we'll be living on Vitamin C and downers, so take us out with something we can hum 'till next week.

Sitting here in limbo
Waiting for the dice to roll
Yeah, now, sitting here in limbo
Got some time to search my soul
Well, they're putting up a resistance
But I know that my faith will lead me on

I don't know where life will leave me
But I know where I have been
I can't say what life will show me
But I know what I have seen
Tried my hand at love and friendship
But all that is past and gone
This little boy is movin' on

Sitting here in limbo
Waiting for the tide to flow
Sitting here in limbo
Knowing that I have to go
Well, they're putting up a resistance
But I know that my faith will lead me on

"Sitting in Limbo" —Jimmy Cliff

PPS — During this difficult time for newspapers please make a donation to our very important local alternative news source, Salt Lake City Weekly, at PressBackers.com, a nonprofit dedicated to help fund local journalism. Thank you.

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