Girlie Men Don't Fly the Rebel Flag | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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Girlie Men Don't Fly the Rebel Flag 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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OK, hold on, Utah wasn't part of the South, so why do people plant the Confederate flag in their lawn or on their pickup? They must be rebelling against something—but what isn't exactly clear. Do they want the return of slavery or just mint juleps and chitlins? Some attacking the Capitol on Jan. 6 were waving the rebel flag right along with Old Glory in a kind of patriotic schizophrenia. Maybe they skipped their meds. With the stars and bars in hand, they called Capitol Police traitors and beat them with bats and flag poles. At least four Utahns have been charged: Willard Jake Peart, Toquerville; Brady Knowlton, St. George; Michael Lee Hardin, Kaysville; Landon Copeland, Washington County. Rebel flag or not, they were attacking the United States of America. A small detail, we know, but kind of important. These days, the Confederate flag appears at white nationalist rallies, and in the South, it's still as common as catfish and sweet potato fries—among white folks, that is. And sales of the rebel flag are up all around the country, especially in rural areas and the West, including Utah. These patriotic rebels don't hate the USA, they just want to replace the government with something other than democracy so they can get their freedom back.

Burgess, Matt & Marjorie: Sing, Britney, Sing
Burgess "I'm-So-Righteous" Owens has jumped on the Free Britney bandwagon just in time to... um, let's see... just in time to save the pop star after a 13-year court-ordered conservatorship. Utah's 4th District congressman joins U.S. Reps. Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene—two other patriots who know how to protect freedom when they see good headlines. In February, The New York Times released a documentary on Spears, which showed scenes of #FreeBritney followers demonstrating against her imprisonment (conservatorship). It brought a new round of publicity and the entrance of our three musketeers: Gaetz, who is under investigation on child-trafficking charges; Owens, who has filed for bankruptcy numerous times and claimed brain damage to cash in on a suit against the NFL; and finally the newest GOP flamethrower, Taylor Greene, a former QAnon fan who has questioned the existence of deadly school shootings and whether a jetliner hit the Pentagon on 9/11. They have invited Britney to testify before Congress because, like Gaetz, "she has been mistreated by America's legal system," and, coincidentally, it will kill on TV ratings. This may look like brazen opportunism, but our heroes would never do a shitty thing like that. They are, after all, Republicans.

Do Black People Really Need to Vote?
Voting rights, schmoting rights—what is the big deal? The recent Supreme Court ruling on an Arizona law has now completely gutted the 1965 Voting Rights Act. Totally cool if you are a real American white Republican candidate. This is not 1965, and there is no longer any racial discrimination in this country, said Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts in 2013, when the court eviscerated Sec. 5 of the historic legislation. If Whitney Houston could sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl, how could this possibly be a racist country? Last week the high court skewered Sec. 2 of the law, so there is only a snowball's chance in Phoenix of challenging any state's voting laws in federal court. What a relief—look at Georgia, if all them African Americans didn't vote, there would be two more Republicans in the Senate. The Arizona law, Republicans said, was necessary to prevent fraud. But the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that there was no record of fraud but that it would impact minority voting. Nonetheless, conservative justices Alito, Thomas, Roberts, Kavanaugh, Gorsuch and Coney Barrett embraced it because if Blacks and Latinos can't vote like white people, well, then they should go to better schools and get better jobs and maybe take up golf.

Postscript—Well, patriots, that just about does it for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Donald Trump's legal fees owed to Rudy Giuliani, so you don't have to. Surprise, The Donald is stiffing Rudy because although the one-time New York City prosecutor and mayor sacrificed his reputation for Trump, he failed to keep the former pres in the Oval Office. Oh yeah, Rudy's fee is $20,000 a day—pocket change for cheapskate Trump. By the by, the once and future king hinted to Sean Hannity that he is going to run for president in 2024—just shocking! But can he seek election from jail? As the world knows, the Trump Organization and its CFO, Allen Weisselberg, have been charged in a 15-count indictment on tax fraud. Of course, it's all a witch hunt—the biggest in history—so Republicans don't really care. The Big Question: Will justice finally catch up to the Lizard of Lawlessness? Stay tuned. On a brighter note, on July 4 last week, the USA turned 245, and patriotism was on display everywhere. On Coney Island—before an audience of several thousand—Joey Chestnut bettered his own record and wolfed down 76 hotdogs in 10 minutes—7.6 dogs every 60 seconds. Talk about patriotism. Let's see the Proud Boys do that.

So hey, Wilson, do you and the guys in the band know any Britney Spears' tunes? Didn't think so. How about lizard songs? No? Well, how 'bout some Southern culture them rebel flag wavers are always talking about?

Southern man, better keep your head.
Don't forget what your good book said.
Southern change gonna come at last.
Now your crosses are burning fast.
Southern man.

I saw cotton and I saw black.
Tall white mansions and little shacks.
Southern man, when will you pay them back?

I heard screamin' and bullwhips cracking.
How long? How long?

Southern man, better keep your head.
Don't forget what your good book said.
Southern change gonna come at last.
Now your crosses are burning fast.

Southern man

"Southern Man"—Neil Young

PPS—During this difficult time for newspapers please make a donation to our very important local alternative news source, Salt Lake City Weekly, at PressBackers.com, a nonprofit dedicated to help fund local journalism. Thank you.

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