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War is for Sale, Junk Food is Go!

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War is for Sale, Junk Food is Go!

It has become a war measured by Websites and marketing. Iraqi Minister of Information Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf—on “temporary leave of his duties”—has his own Website at www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister. com, proving that love of hyperbole knows no national borders. What’s less known is www.stopjaygarner.com, a site dedicated to exposing the industry connections and Zionist leanings of retired three-star general Jay Garner, a man slated to steer Iraq into new days of law and order so the war-torn nation can finally start producing 6 million barrels of oil per day. Logan, Utah’s own Sgt. Spencer Willardson may forever be known as the one who dubbed Saddam’s Baghdad townhouse a “love shack.” And according to MSNBC News’ Jeannette Walls, Sony is already in the market for a video game named, you guessed it, “Shock and Awe.” Instead of dead civilians and coalition fighters, we can think of winning points—and of coalition forces laughing over Saddam’s cheesy artwork.

• New York City last week announced it would ban all cell phones and pagers at public performance halls, including movie theaters. Enforcing the city’s new ban on smoking in restaurants and bars has proved more perilous. A fight ensued after Manhattan bouncer Dana Blake told two brothers they could not smoke in an East Village nightclub. The brothers allegedly stabbed the bouncer to death. No news on whether they enjoyed a smoke afterward.

• American politicians are on their way to finding permanent solutions to pesky music fans. Last month, Republican Congressman John Carter of Texas sounded out the perfect remedy for any university student caught downloading copyrighted music. During a recent hearing of the Subcommittee on Courts, he proposed that such students spend three years in prison. Lest you think draconian measures are the sole domain of the GOP, reports are in that Sen. Joe Biden, a Delaware Democrat, tried slipping the RAVE Act into the very AMBER Alert Network Act that Ed Smart yelled so loudly about. If enacted, this law would make club and stadium owners—and in the wider context, possibly even homeowners—directly responsible for any drug use that takes place on their premises. Imagine spending years in a federal prison for the crime of someone smoking a joint at your dinner party. For more information, consult the drug policy section of the American Civil Liberties Union Website at www.aclu.org.

• Utah’s trailblazing dailies are at it again, enlightening us all to the inner workings of the state’s education system. The Salt Lake Tribune published a story about the urgent need to integrate writing skills into every academic subject. Students who write haikus about science, for example, are sure to understand the subject better than student who don’t. Not to be outdone, the Deseret News, ran a piece about the double-edged sword of junk-food vending machines in schools. It does a number on student health, but it’s practically free money for cash-strapped Utah school districts, which suffer the lowest rate of per-student funding in the nation. Student haikus and junk food. Why not mash the two together for a new taste sensation? Here goes:

No money for schools

Junk food pays for things, that’s cool

Eat your way to brains


I want my Snickers

Forget per-student funding

I want my Pepsi

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