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Free Sex With COVID Shots 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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A social club in Austria is putting its money where its mouth is in an effort to get vaccine rates up (no pun intended). The FunPalast: Sex Star Sauna Club is offering COVID-19 shots and a 30-minute voucher with the "lady of your choice" every Monday from 4 p.m. to 10 p.m. (We couldn't possibly make this up.) A Latter-day Saint congregation near the Vienna brothel did not return calls, nor did the office of Gov. Spencer Cox, who had earlier suggested that incentives are better than mandates.

The Utah Legislature has yet to weigh in, but Rep. Millard Fillmore made an impassioned plea from the House floor that people should be able to make personal choices on vaccination and the government "should keep its nose out of it." It's unclear whether he was referring to the new sex incentive. Wilson and the band kinda doubt it—it could mess up his temple recommend.

Boys as young as 14 are allowed to visit the brothel/clinic when accompanied by an adult. And, to comply with Austrian equality laws, women, too, are encouraged to make use of the vaccine bordello. The staff here at Smart Bomb is assuming they would get a voucher, too—nice gift certificate for Christmas.

Black Op—Elect Trump Speaker of the House
Mark Meadows, former chief of staff for Donald Trump, said publicly last week that his old boss would make a great speaker of the House if Republicans take the chamber back in 2022. Trump likes the idea, too, and practices swinging a gavel in the mirror at Mar-A-Lago, according to sources.

Not surprisingly, Kevin McCarthy, the House Republican minority leader, is mum on the plot. The full membership of the House elects the speaker, but the speaker need not be an elected House member. Hello Donald Trump—he could screw with President Biden for two full years before the next presidential election, grabbing headlines every day.

But the inside money says it's all a head-fake to put heat on McCarthy to dial up the political butt-checking on current Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Meanwhile, there's been a run on Xanax at the Congressional pharmacy and everyone wants the hell out of Dodge.

The Chris Stewart Shit Show Rolls On
Utah Superhero Chris Stewart is busy saving America—or maybe it's fund raising. He's introduced a bill he calls the FAUCI Act to make sure that blame for lack of response to the pandemic is pushed away from Republicans and Trump, noting that Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation's foremost expert on infectious diseases, is somehow at fault. Here are some other Stewart truisms:

—Jan. 6 was "political theater," not an insurrection.

—"After serious thought and consideration, I will not vote to certify the election," Stewart said. "I am safeguarding the sanctity of each vote."

—"I want to defend a radical idea: The United States of America is good."

—"Choosing an ideological group (or political party) over our country is tribalism."

—"The attorney general is clearly attempting to restrict speech that is protected by the First Amendment," he said of parents threatening school board members.

—And with a little breast beating, Stewart said he will boycott the Utah Jazz based on its vaccine mandate: "I will never allow a private company to require that I show proof of any medical procedure to visit their facility." (Recruits must get a dozen vaccinations for communicable diseases before entering the U.S. military. Stewart served 14 years in the Air Force.)

Postscript—That's a wrap for another inspirational week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of the Culture Wars so you don't have to. (Lucky you.) It's gotten so bad that CPAC has banned Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie along with Big Bird.

Wilson and the band have had it up to you-know-where with this Culture War stuff. They don't care if the right wants to put Kyle Rittenhouse on Mount Rushmore. They don't care if Majorie Taylor Greene wants to get in the cage at the Women's MMA with Liz Chaney. They don't care if Rand Paul has a lifetime membership to Hair Club for Men. And they don't care if Ted Cruz has clandestine assignations with Mike Lee. They don't even care that Eric Clapton turned out to be an anti-vaxer. WTF.

Wilson likes to put it like this: "Shit comes and shit goes." It's true, things have been worse: In August 1925, 60,000 members of the Ku Klux Klan marched down Pennsylvania Avenue in white robes and conical hats to the White House to show their power. But five times that many came in 1963 to the March on Washington. Black and white, men and women, rich and poor gathered to give a message of inclusion. It's not exactly yin and yang, but what goes around, believe it or not, does come around—it's karma, baby.

Alright, Wilson, we're just gonna have to keep our powder dry until the tides shift and the plague falls to history—including that which has infected folks with malice and hatred. The secret is patience, however you can get it. So maybe you and the guys can give us a little something to hang on to during the coming storm:

"There must be some way out of here," said the joker to the thief,
"There's too much confusion, I can't get no relief
Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth
None of them along the line know what any of it is worth."

"No reason to get excited", the thief, he kindly spoke,
"There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke
But you and I, we've been through that, and this is not our fate
So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late."

All along the watchtower, princes kept the view
While all the women came and went, barefoot servants, too.

Outside in the distance a wildcat did growl
Two riders were approaching, the wind began to howl.
"All Along The Watchtower"—Bob Dylan

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