Floggings & Dog Day Winners | News | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Floggings & Dog Day Winners 

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TEHRAN, Iran—The hard-line Muslim government of Iran announced recently that it would step up public floggings to fight social vices, the Associated Press has reported.

Under Islamic law, public floggings are the prescribed punishment for such things as drinking alcohol, harassing women and having illegal sex. As it turns out, here in Utah we frown on the same things. Perhaps the Utah Legislature might consider instituting public flogging, too.

If indeed public floggings were introduced here, the attorney general could hire a Flogging Czar. The Flogging Czar no doubt would coordinate activities with the Porn Czar, the Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control and Gayle Ruzicka.

Under the scheme, one of the first people up for public flogging would have to be attorney Brian Barnard. It was Barnard, you’ll recall, who sued the DABC on behalf of The Catalyst magazine to secure advertising of wine and booze by appealing to the federal 10th Circuit Court of Appeals. The appeals court ruled that the First Amendment even applies in Utah.

Next up for public flogging would be the Tribune Publishing Co. and Editor James E. Shelledy for raising tensions between Mormons and non-Mormons over Utah’s liquor laws. As you’ll recall, it was Mullah Mike Leavitt who let us in on the fact that trouble surrounding Utah’s liquor laws is the fault of the Tribune, which has been fanning unrest simply to sell newspapers. If that doesn’t deserve a flogging, then what does?

Somebody over at the Deseret News was apparently trying to avoid a flogging by digitally removing the cigarette from a photo of ’50s icon James Dean. The famous photo of Dean with a cigarette dangling from his lips was altered because … well, you know.

Speaking of tobacco, of the $206 billion settlement between states and the major tobacco companies, less than 5 percent is being spent on smoking prevention, according to a new report. That ought to keep the floggers busy for some time.

And finally this: Here at SmartBomb, we recently held a contest to determine why these are called the “Dog Days” of summer. Of course, we were just trying to have a little fun and hinted that made-up answers were OK with us. But Rod Miller wrote in to say this: “Shrouded in mystery? Nonsense! There is no mystery about why the Dog Days are called the Dog Days … The only mystery is why people who don’t know what it means make up lame explanations to mask their ignorance or pretend there’s some mystery involved … They are called the Dog Days because this time of year, Sirius, the Dog Star, rises and sets with the sun. Hence the Latin dies caniculares, Days of the Dog Star, or as we say, Dog Days.”

Well, he told us.

Other winners are: Kirt Wackford, Salt Lake City; Ryan Alder, Murray; Lance Silvester, Salt Lake; Thomas Phipps, Centerville; and Robert G. Larson, Bountiful.

All will receive a free movie pass for two, compliments of the staff here at SmartBomb.

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More by Christopher Smart

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