Flat Earth Society | News | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Flat Earth Society 

Pin It
Favorite

There’s good news and bad news to report today. The good news is that it’s nearly noon and Paula Houston still hasn’t asked me out for a little kiddie porn and popcorn. The bad news is that America’s sex education curriculum is about as effective as condoms manufactured by Firestone.

According to a report released by Surgeon General David Satcher, sex still isn’t all that safe. Satcher revealed that 45 million Americans have genital herpes, 900,000 people have HIV, 40,000 new AIDS cases were reported last year and 1.4 million abortions were performed last year—of which half were unwanted pregnancies—and 100,000 children were the victims of child sexual abuse.

Sometimes numbers can be, well, numbing. So, try the above from a different perspective: 45 million is four times more than the entire worldwide membership of the LDS church; 900,000 is half again more than the number of Civil War casualties, of which 40,000 occurred at Shiloh and Fredricksburg. Aborting 1.4 million fetuses equates to erasing the population of Salt Lake and Utah Counties, and half of that number is how many people will see 33 Utah Jazz ballgames live.

One hundred thousand? That’s about 99,000 more than the number of people who belong to the influential-beyond-their-actual-mass Eagle Forum. And those 1,000 people or so, like similar “Christian” or “Family” conservative groups around the country, are in a snit over the Satcher report. Why? Because that report violates three basic conservative tenets: First, Satcher is a Bill Clinton appointee and therefore, inherently degenerate. Second, Satcher failed to advocate abstinence-only until marriage sex education programs. Rather, Satcher says he “has to deal with reality” and his report encourages abstinence-only until one enters a “committed, enduring and mutually monogamous” relationship. One presumes that includes marriage, but try telling that to his arch-conservative critics who are calling for his ouster because he is a “liberal pawn.” They must have missed the part that encouraged “stable and committed adult relationships, particularly marriage, to help strengthen families.”

Third, Satcher all but called for putting on the gloves with such nuts, when he reported that there is no valid evidence that sexual orientation can be changed. To the homophobes of the far right, that position simply begs for inquisition. Certainly Satcher knows that if we can find a cure for the Black Plague we can find a cure for queers, doesn’t he?

And doesn’t he know that we’ve all become very comfortable in the knowledge that not only Jesus, but also Dave and Ricky Nelson, Beaver Cleaver, Opie, Betty, Bud and Kathy Anderson, the Coppertone Girl, Barney, Tom Barberi and the many children of Gayle Ruzicka were all beneficiaries of immaculate conception? Something is really wrong with this guy.

Pin It
Favorite

More by John Saltas

  • Reflection Pool

    This week is the anniversary of our very first issue back in 1984.
    • May 31, 2017
  • .05 Guide

    These Legislators know little about liquor or the people who consume it.
    • Mar 29, 2017
  • Jason Jarred

    “Chaffetz is perfectly safe in his gerrymandered congressional district that he won by over 100,000 votes.”
    • Jan 25, 2017
  • More »

Latest in News

  • A Question of Time

    As advocates seek Board of Pardons' compliance with audit, inmates languish under arbitrary sentences.
    • Jun 21, 2017
  • In Bloom

    Iosepa comes alive for a weekend to celebrate exodus centennial.
    • Jun 14, 2017
  • The Amazing Race

    Stacking up 18 congressional hopefuls on the Chaffetz-O-Meter.
    • Jun 7, 2017
  • More »

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Readers also liked…

  • Endless Litigation

    Lawmakers favor $14 million lawsuit against U.S. to gain control of public lands.
    • Dec 10, 2015
  • No Limits

    A pair of Republican gubernatorial candidates bemoan and protect Utah's loose campaign cash laws.
    • Jun 22, 2016

© 2017 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation