FLASHBACK 2002: Christopher Smart gives a completely unnecessary analysis of the Winter Olympic Games.
Oh, These Wacky Games
By Christopher Smart
In commemoration of City Weekly's 40th anniversary, we are digging into our archives to celebrate. Each week, we FLASHBACK to a story or column from our past in honor of four decades of local alt-journalism. Whether the names and issues are familiar or new, we are grateful to have this unique newspaper to contain them all.
Title: Oh, These Wacky Games
Author: Christopher Smart
Date: Feb. 21, 2002
Reposted from the original
By the time you read this, the 2002 Winter Olympics will be winding down to a few precious days. And, as Mitt Romney would say, it’s been one helluva ride. Here at SmartBomb, we gotta say that Mitt and his crew at SLOC did a wonderful job pulling the whole affair off, with only a few tintsy tiny snafus and perhaps an F-word here and there. But on the whole, Salt Lake City and Utah came off looking like a world-class host.
But let’s clear the air: Mitt insists he did not use the F-word when dressing down Morgan County Sheriff’s volunteers prior to the men’s downhill at Snowbasin. Volunteer Shaun Knopp said the Mittster got upset when traffic was stalled on the route to the race. He jumped out of his car and demanded, “Who the f—- are you. And what the f—— do you think you’re doing?” Knopp reported.
But Mitt says no way. According to Mitt it was, “Who the hell are you? And what the hell do you think you’re doing?”
In either event, it only raises our opinion of SLOC’s president. Go Mitt, damnit!
*Then, of course, there was that little tiff that threatened to bring down the Olympic Movement when Canadians Jamie Sale and David Pelletier were awarded second place in pairs figure skating. Russians Elena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze took the gold, even after a few missteps by Anton. Word leaked that French judge Marie-Reine Le Gougne was brainwashed into voting for the Russians.
Oh, that dirty pinko! She was summarily executed by guillotine and the Canadians given gold medals. The Russians kept their gold, too. Hey, why not just give everybody gold?
* Three Secret Service agents were sent home from the Games when it was reported that they were partying with booze and underage girls. Provo police received an anonymous complaint that when a hotel manager asked the partiers to hold down the noise, he was thrown against a wall and had a gun put to his head.
In some circles, that’s acceptable behavior for messing up a good party, particularly during the Olympics. But authorities are taking it seriously. No charges have been filed, but the fat lady has yet to skate.
* Utah’s legislators are really enjoying the Games, too. Thanks to lots of free tickets to events generously provided by lobbyists from big corporations pushing agendas on Capitol Hill. At last count, 60 legislators and 390 of their family members got primo seats for hot competitions that held face values of up to $400.
Not to worry, say the lawmakers. Just because they get great perks doesn’t mean it could possibly affect the way they cast votes for their friends in the utilities or other big corporations. And how dare anyone insinuate that they could be bought off. Right. Let’s give them gold medals, too.
* And finally this: It’s come-clean time here at SmartBomb. We predicted that Stein Eriksen, Utah’s adopted gold medal skier, would light the torch at the Opening Ceremonies. OK, we were wrong. The 1980 USA Hockey Team deservedly got the nod. But we do have one question, and we’d like to phrase it like Mitt Romney would: Where the hell was Stein?
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