Fireworks Threat! | The Ocho | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Fireworks Threat! 

8 warning levels for fireworks

Pin It
Favorite
click to enlarge art16125.jpg

Eight warning levels to be aware of when shopping for fireworks:

8. Green: Will probably burn thousands of acres and homes, but the state made it legal, anyway—have fun, ‘Mericans!

7. Blue: Safe to shoot at with rifle, handgun or rocket launcher of your choice, preferably in a dry, open field.

6. Purple: Ignite every night from July 3 to July 25, no matter how much your unpatriotic neighbors bitch about it.

5. Orange: Purchase only from reputable retail outlets, such as temporary parking-lot shacks and Craigslist.

4. Red: Explodes in time with Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup.”

3. Burnt Sienna: Light only in cargo area of an ugly-ass Toyota minivan.

2. Brown: Proper safety clothing required: Cutoff jeans, flip-flops and “Adios Obama!” trucker cap.

1. Black: Hey, the Rapture’s coming soon anyway, right?

Twitter: @Bill_Frost

Pin It
Favorite

Tags:

More by Bill Frost

  • Available Jones

    Eight great achievements by Utah Gov. Gary Herbert during eight years in office.
    • Nov 29, 2017
  • Get Happy!

    Happy! brings the weirdness to Syfy; Fuller House further erodes 'Merica.
    • Nov 29, 2017
  • Rated Xmas

    Screw Thanksgiving—bring on the Christmas TV!
    • Nov 22, 2017
  • More »

Latest in The Ocho

  • Available Jones

    Eight great achievements by Utah Gov. Gary Herbert during eight years in office.
    • Nov 29, 2017
  • Thanks for Nothin'

    Eight things you just don't want to hear from family this Thanksgiving.
    • Nov 22, 2017
  • Justice League Assemble!

    Eight team members conveniently left out of the new Justice League movie.
    • Nov 15, 2017
  • More »

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Readers also liked…

  • Orrin 4 Life

    Eight campaign slogans for Sen. Orrin Hatch’s run for an eighth term
    • Mar 29, 2017
  • Do Your (Other) Job

    Eight temporary private-sector jobs for future Utah guv Jason Chaffetz:
    • Apr 26, 2017

© 2018 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation