Fireworks Threat! | The Ocho | Salt Lake City Weekly

Fireworks Threat! 

8 warning levels for fireworks

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Eight warning levels to be aware of when shopping for fireworks:

8. Green: Will probably burn thousands of acres and homes, but the state made it legal, anyway—have fun, ‘Mericans!

7. Blue: Safe to shoot at with rifle, handgun or rocket launcher of your choice, preferably in a dry, open field.

6. Purple: Ignite every night from July 3 to July 25, no matter how much your unpatriotic neighbors bitch about it.

5. Orange: Purchase only from reputable retail outlets, such as temporary parking-lot shacks and Craigslist.

4. Red: Explodes in time with Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup.”

3. Burnt Sienna: Light only in cargo area of an ugly-ass Toyota minivan.

2. Brown: Proper safety clothing required: Cutoff jeans, flip-flops and “Adios Obama!” trucker cap.

1. Black: Hey, the Rapture’s coming soon anyway, right?

Twitter: @Bill_Frost

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