Finding Meaning in Life Again 

• Marissa Mooney

For singer/songwriter Scott Lippitt, this feeling hit hard during the pandemic. An uncertain time in the world mixed with uncertain times in his own life, forcing him to sit down and complete some of the most emotional work he's ever created.

Stories of religious trauma in the state of Utah are not uncommon; many of those who leave the LDS Church end up having to unpack their negative experiences with it. In the case of Lippitt, however, his experience was more unique. He was very interested in Buddhism, and spent a lot of time meditating for about a decade or so.

"I think I meditated at least 20 minutes a day, and then hours here and there. I was really into it. I was really into that whole idea of progressing towards enlightenment, whatever. It sounds silly now," he says. "It was great. At first, it was awesome, but then sort of towards the latter half of my experience, I started feeling a lot of weird stuff, just a lot of fear and panic but specifically, started to lose my sense of self a bit. I'd look in the mirror, and it wasn't like I was really me."

The album inspired by this period is titled Meaning Maker, describing this period of uncertainty in his life. "If I looked at a picture of myself with friends at a concert versus something really mundane, like a banana, there wouldn't be any difference going on inside my emotional state. Not a fun place to be in at all," he says.

Lippitt sought help for the issue through meditation teachers, but it wasn't until he found a researcher at Brown University that he got the help he needed. Dr. Willoughby Britton, a professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown, hosts a podcast called When Meditation Causes Harm. With Dr. Britton as a resource, Lippitt began to find the answers he needed.

"She's been studying this for over 10 years, and has found that adverse effects and meditating are actually not uncommon, and they're pretty lined up with anything you would do, any sort of psychotherapy or whatever," Lippitt says. "There's some percentage of people that it's just not going to fit for."

Society is very meditation- and mindfulness-forward right now, and Lippitt wants to let people know that it's okay if these techniques aren't the right fit for your situation. "Shout out to anyone who, if it doesn't work for you, it's not your fault. It's okay," he says.

With this realization, Lippitt began to reconstruct his own sense of identity. "I found ways to build meaning again from scratch, and slowly have kind of come back to a space where absolutely now if I look at a picture of my friends, it's like, 'Oh, yeah,' I can feel that," he says. "It's been a bit of a journey. It's kind of a niche thing. Maybe not everyone can relate to that part. I think people can relate to just the meaningless in general."

For Lippitt, the main goal of Meaning Maker is to reach people and help them not feel so alone. "That's the biggest summary or takeaway from this album, for me," he says, "meeting people in their darkness."

From the moment listeners press play on Meaning Maker, it's obvious Lippitt has poured his all into the album. Standout tracks include "Hope in Hiding," "Why I Always" and especially the title track. The song fades in with rhythmic acoustic guitar with soft electronic beats in the background before Lippitt's gentle voice comes in. Each line of the song hits with so much emotion, especially, "You have got to be kidding me / Your solution to everything / Is to close your eyes and make it seem / Like everything is just a dream." While Lippitt has his specific experiences behind the song, it isn't hard for listeners to relate to this type of subject matter, that it's okay to not be okay.

Fortunately, Lippitt isn't in such a dark space anymore. Through the help of support groups, and the cathartic feelings that came from putting together Meaning Maker, Lippitt says, things are much better.

"I feel really good, especially on putting all of that, both the darkness and the journey forward into this album. That feels amazing," he says. Lippitt hopes that as he shares his dark feelings, others won't feel so alone in theirs. "My goal isn't to be big," he said. "My goal is to reach people that connect with [my music]. My real goal is connection in general."

Lippitt invites listeners to message him on Instagram, @scott_lippit_music, if they want to talk about his music, or just say hi. In addition to streaming online, Meaning Maker is available on CD, vinyl and cassette on his website, scottlippittmusic.com. Catch his headlining show at Kilby Court on Oct. 13 at 7 p.m.; tickets for the all-ages show are $10 and can be found at kilbycourt.com.