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Fall Guy 

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03/22/06, 12:52, Assault on Police Officer, 370 E. 200 South

According to Salt Lake City Police, “The officer pulled into the parking lot and observed the [27-year-old male] suspect sitting on the west wall drinking a beer. When the officer approached the suspect, the suspect finished the beer, dropped the bottle and aggressively took a stance to fight.”

Doesn’t this narrative read like the script for an ass-kickin’ super-villain about to wipe the pavement with a couple of noncredited uniforms?

“The officer called for his backup to expedite and the suspect retreated to the fence again,” police reported. Makes sense'any self-respecting baddie would wait for backup to at least give the doomed coppers a fighting chance.

“When the other officer arrived, the suspect again became aggressive, swinging at and striking the first officer.” Alas, “The officers managed to contain the suspect after he tripped and fell forward while trying to attack.”

Citizen’s Arrest

03/23/06, 20:00, Aggravated Assault, near 300 East Downington Ave.

The 43-year-old suspect, Salt Lake City Police reported, “had been drinking and watched, who he thought were burglars, working on the house across the street.” It’s well after dark, so you might forgive the chap his suspicions.

“Prior to making contact, the [suspect] yelled across the street a couple of times telling the suspects/victims/maintenance men they had better leave.” So, the guy’s looking out for some neighbors; it’s not as if he barreled across the street, waving a .25 caliber pistol, blaring at the mouth like an old codger. “The victims, who were hired to make repairs to the house, ignored the [suspect] until the [suspect] eventually approached them with a gun in his hand.” OK, scratch that last one.

“The [suspect] appeared to be trying to copy down their license plate. When the victims assisted him by illuminating their plates with a flashlight, the [suspect] aimed the gun at them and made verbal threats to use it on them.” The suspect was booked into jail for aggravated assault and public intoxication.

Incidents like these make one really ponder the Second Amendment. Who needs a militia anymore? By whose definition of “well-regulated” are we operating? And did the founders simply overlook the NASCAR effect?

Bolt and Jolt

03/25/06, 02:09, Man Down/Obstruction/Conducted Energy Device, 2700 S. 500 East

At once this blotter item sends the imagination racing. The official terminology'“Man Down/Obstruction/Conducted Energy Device”'is so evocative, urgent and grave sounding. Could it be that a local flatfoot happened upon a downed man, the victim of an airway-obstructing pizza twist from a nearby 7-Eleven, whose plot to detonate a doomsday weapon in some unknown population center was unwittingly thwarted?

Reading further reveals that a Salt Lake City Police “officer was checking on a man slumped over his steering wheel,” which fits squarely with the “man down” description. Accounting for the “obstruction,” as in obstruction of justice, when the groggy 29-year-old came to, he allegedly provided an alias to officers'who were not fooled'and fled when police approached to arrest him for outstanding warrants.

A plan C [police jargon for an impromptu tactical maneuver employed to catch bad guys] was established and the [suspect] ran out of the block and tried to get past several officers and into the golf course.” At which point one officer “was able to use his Conducted Energy Device to stop the flight,” a polite euphemism for shocking the s't out of a noncompliant suspect. Finally, “During the impound process of the [suspect’s] vehicle, methamphetamine and marijuana were located,” perhaps explaining how this seemingly out-of-it perp suddenly had the pep to mad dash for the links.

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About The Author

Shane Johnson

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