Everybody Loves Rocky | News | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Everybody Loves Rocky 

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According to a new poll commissioned by the Deseret News and KSL TV, Salt Lake City’s mayor is more popular than Little Orphan Annie, whoever that is.

The poll was taken after Rocky got Lasik eye surgery and that new buzz cut, leading at least one female Salt Lake City newspaper columnist to remark that, midlife crisis or not, he’s looking a lot more like Harrison Ford these days. Sexy.

The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 7 percent—meaning that maybe everybody doesn’t like Rocky after all. Well, we already know that City Councilwoman Nancy Saxton does not love Rocky. When reading the poll results, she reportedly reprised the Danny Thomas spit-take by spewing forth coffee from her mouth and nose. And Council Chairman Dave Buhler is rumored to have said that he doesn’t like the mayor now any more than he did in his previous incarnation with the Mel Torme haircut and the Rod Decker glasses.

According to the SmartBomb grapevine, former Democrat House leader Frank Pignanelli—known affectionately by party insiders as “Pig”—and Dave Spatafore—a bigwig in the Utah League of Cities and Towns who owns the moniker “Spat”—have downplayed the results. According to the Dan Jones poll, if an election were held last week, Rocky would get 46 percent of the vote to Pig’s 9 percent and Spat’s 2 percent. Ouch. Buhler would get 12 percent.

• Although the election is 14 months away, Rocky isn’t taking any chances. He’s already opened his reelection office on Main Street downtown. In keeping with the mayor’s alfresco preferences, the grapevine has it that Rock’s election staff will push desks and computers out onto the sidewalk to make downtown look livelier. Volunteers will pass out lattes to passersby who agree to wear temporary midriff tattoos with his campaign slogan: “Rocky—Mayor For Life.”

• What about the big terrorist scare recently at the Army’s Deseret Chemical Depot where nerve gas is stored? An “intruder” was spotted wandering near a fence line beyond which the Cold War weapons are stacked in bunkers.

Roadblocks were set up. Troops dispatched. Helicopters and jet fighters scrambled. But nothing and nobody could be found. The lack of news, however, did not stop Salt Lake City’s daily news operations from pulling out the stops. On the anniversary of Sept. 11, any shadow might be big news. And if it isn’t news, well, so what … roll the tape.

• Speaking of fat stories (notice clever segue), McDonald’s will be using a new oil to cook its French fries that is said to cut in half those evil trans fatty acids while increasing polyunsaturated fats that are somehow better for you. Nutritionists say that cutting trans fatty acids could prevent heart attacks. Fast-food CEOs have said that French fries are not addictive.

• And finally, this: A court has ruled that Miss North Carolina can keep her crown after a former boyfriend produced photos of the 24-year-old with breasts exposed. It wasn’t immediately clear whether Rebekah Revels will be able to compete in the Miss America pageant. But certainly she wouldn’t be disqualified from Salt Lake City’s SLUG Queen contest, where boobs and pudding-wrestling were the order of the day (see Scene & Heard, p. 58).

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More by Christopher Smart

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