The club was previously called Bourbon Street, a place I never really warmed up to. Before that, it was the Haggis, a truly innovative club in Salt Lake City because it—along with The Wasatch Front (long since closed), Green Street (formerly in the Hard Rock Café space) and The Green Parrot (now The Hotel)—marked the first time private clubs could actually have windows to the outside world. Most every other club in town looked like a fortress, and you had to buzz your way through the door like you see in gangster movies. Back then, private clubs really were private—and many of them concealed the private imbibings of politicians, judges, cops and sundry movers and shakers.
My, how time flies. Now, many of those movers and shakers have moved on to cutting their deals inside the wide expanse of Utah’s restaurants where damned near any drinker can get lost among the throngs of decent people like Sen. Mike Waddoups, R-Taylorsville/West Jordan. He recently ate at a Chili’s (elsewhere known as Chili’s Grill & Bar) and almost died on the spot when he noticed liquor sales in full view of minors like himself. Waddoups duly noted that the so-called “Zion Curtain”—meant to prevent bartenders from serving drinks over restaurant bar counters—is a laughable farce.
Sane Utahns say the Zion Curtain needs to come down. Waddoups says the Zion Curtain needs to be reinforced with more ignorance-based legislation. Ignorance such as? Kids reaching over the Zion Curtain barriers and stealing drinks, according to Waddoups. Sane Utahns who don’t like to be around liquor avoid the places that serve it. Waddoups wants his sizzling fajitas but he doesn’t want them interrupted by somebody slurping on an El Niño Margarita. His world is a Dairy Queen world. Sane Utahns who drink generally despise Mike Waddoups and the hot dog he rode in on. At Port O’ Call, a huge neon sign blared from one of the very windows that were once a Salt Lake City novelty. The sign informed passers-by that inside the Port one could find “Food, Ghosts and Fun.” Ghosts?
Utah
logic says the club’s original slogan “Food, Spirits and Fun” couldn’t
be used since righteous people like Mr. Waddoups are offended by the
word “spirits.” Never mind that people could look right through the
windows anyway—a dumb rule is a dumb rule, and the object shall be for
Utah lawmakers to make them even dumber.
As in private-club
memberships. Sane Utahns know the private-club law is silly and not a
drinking deterrent, and they bitch about it ad nauseum. Visitors to
Utah know the law is silly and not a drinking deterrent, and they go
back home to tell their friends how stupid we are. Insane people like
Waddoups think that’s a good thing. Among the asinine statements folks
like him like to make is this gem, “If tourists only come here to
drink, we don’t want them.” Ditto, Waddoups—it’s the rare tourist who
could bear five minutes with him and not throw up. Waddoups can induce
the gag reflex by merely speaking. He now says if private clubs go
away, Utah needs to scan the IDs of everyone going into a private
club—or whatever they will be called—whether they drink or not. After
seeing an ID-scanner demonstration (wanna bet he got some Jazz seats
for his time?), Waddoups recently expanded his idea to include scanning
at restaurants, too. In Waddoupsworld, if you were drinking in one
place, then visited another, your second bartender could tap into a
database and find that you may have been drinking. If you were pulled
over for a missing taillight, a cop could do the same. You tell me why
Utah shouldn’t be considered a laughing stock. You tell me why Waddoups
wouldn’t pee himself if he had to similarly register his wacky follies.
Monday,
Feb. 2, was the last call at Port O’ Call. I was there. In many ways, I
liked clubs before they had windows—not because I don’t like seeing
outside, but because I don’t like Waddoups and the rest seeing in. Kent
and Jannette eventually married and bought the Shubrick Building in
which they would sink millions rehabilitating—only to have the U.S.
government steal it. The federal courthouse that will someday replace
the Shubrick should have been placed elsewhere. The Feds picked that
spot even though the property across the street is vacant—it’s owned by
billionaire Earl Holding, who is protected by Sen. Orrin Hatch.
Some
didn’t like driving past Port O’Call with its raging neon, with its
four floors of fun, with its lines stretching from here to Jesus, with
its Budweiser billboard and alcohol flowing inside. Port was a
conspicuous anomaly in a town that yearns to be Vatican West. I think
certain powerful and influential people viewed the Port as another Zion
Curtain—the largest in Utah—a symbol of all they strive against.
And they had it destroyed. CW Send comments to john@slweekly.com.
Waddoups Wants his sizzling fajitas but he doesn’t Want them interrupted by somebody slurping on an el niño margarita.
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