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Drive Angry 

Drive Angry is supposed to be either terrifying or hilarious. It's neither.

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Amber Heard, Nicolas Cage - DRIVE ANGRY
  • Drive Angry
  • Amber Heard, Nicolas Cage
Nicolas Cage is “badass motherfucker” John Milton, recently escaped from hell and hot on the heels of a badass satanic priest (Billy Burke) who savagely murdered his daughter and kidnapped his baby grandchild for purposes of a ritual that’s supposed to enable Lucifer to walk the earth again, or something. Along the way, he acquires a sidekick in Piper (Amber Heard), whose cutoffs are as limited as her couth. In addition to not minding if her ass is hanging out of her jeans, she has access to the kind of wheels that a badass motherplucker like Milton demands when out for blood. Off they go!

Badass motherbleeper director Patrick Lussier drops obvious clues about how very, very long Cage has been in hell, and how very, very unwilling he appears to be to get physically involved with Piper, even though the camera has been trying to screw her from the moment she first appears onscreen. It’s gotta be that she’s the granddaughter, right? All growed up because Cage’s eternal sense of time is off? Or he was detained escaping from hell, or whatever?

But no, she isn’t. Poor Piper has fallen afoul of that most pernicious of dichotomies, the one about madonnas and whores. Piper is being saved so she can take care of Milton’s grandchild; that’s not the kind of woman a badass motherhumper actually humps. But never fear! There’s plenty of meaningless sex to get the audience off—and if you’ve become desensitized to how action movies have sexualized violence, you’re about to see it taken to a whole new level, as Cage has an interlude with a roadside tavern waitress while fighting off bad guys. That’s right: Milton pumps off round after round while pumping her—and all the while, she’s screaming orgasmically. Or maybe she’s screaming in terror. Either way, it’s meant to be hilarious. It isn’t.

DRIVE ANGRY 3-D
Zero Stars
Nicolas Cage, Amber Heard, Billy Burke
Rated R

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