Drag Shows in St. George—Holy Satan! 

Hold on to your corset, some folks in St. George got their garter belts in a twist after HBO staged a drag show in Town Square Park that drew 1,400 onlookers. (We are not making this up.) "This is supposed to be the new, exciting lifestyle and everybody's supposed to love it," cried Patricia Kent, write-in candidate for Washington County clerk/auditor. "They are grooming our children for immoral satanic worship."

For the uninitiated, drag shows are a form of "entertainment" where men dress and behave as women. Heaven forbid! Celebrated drag performer RuPaul says this: "We are all born naked, and the rest is drag."

The LGBT Student Association at St. George's Utah Tech University also hosted a drag show. But not everyone appreciated it. Leeds Mayor Bill Hoster said drag shows are trouble with a capital T. Men dressed as women, wearing fishnet stockings, spandex and grinding themselves on stage, he said, will warp our children's minds. [Paraphrased, not by much].

For Utah Tech Professor Alexis Ence, it's all part of liberal indoctrination and she is tired of being told that drag shows are constitutionally protected free speech. Of course, we have no way of knowing exactly what the Founding Fathers were thinking. Drag shows in 1776? Maybe it's somewhere in the Federalist Papers.

Goodby Lake Effect Snow—Hello Gondola
The Greatest Gondola on Earth is coming and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. The "proposed" 9-mile transit system in Little Cottonwood Canyon will be the longest gondola on Earth and will be dubbed the "Rube Goldberg Gondola." Gov. Spencer Cox just loves it.

It's brilliant marketing! Skiers everywhere will rush to ride The Greatest Gondola on Earth to The Greatest Snow on Earth—if there is any.

Our deep, light powder is the product of winter cold fronts blasting in from the northwest that juice up over the warm waters of The Great Salt Lake and scoot into the funnels of Big and Little Cottonwood Canyon, where they gain altitude, lose temperature and dump their loads. But soon there will be no lake and no "Lake Effect"—it already has lost two-thirds of its surface area. (Oops, how did we let that happen?)

The DGSL (Disappearing Great Salt Lake) is something our state leaders can't seem to comprehend, let alone get their heads around the impact it has on skiing. Lake Effect, what's that? Duh.

The Little Cottonwood boondoggle will cost $550 million and $10 million in annual maintenance. More good news: Utah taxpayers will pick up the tab. And no, just because you paid for it, doesn't mean you ride free—on the bright side, there won't be much skiing, anyway.

Our Very Own Herschel Walker
Georgia don't have nothin on Utah when it comes to old football stars pretending to be political leaders. Yeah, they got Herschel Walker—he won the Heisman Trophy at the University of Georgia, made the College Football Hall of Fame and played for several NFL teams. But we got Burgess Owens—he was first team All-American at the University of Miami, played 10 pro seasons with the New York Jets as well as the Oakland Raiders when they won the 1980 Super Bowl. And he's actually in Congress.

Herschel—whose so dumb he shows up for debates—is now locked in a neck-and-neck race for Senate with Democratic Sen. Raphael Warnock. Herschel has been accused of putting his shoes on the wrong feet, opening doors into his forehead and arguing that the existence of apes proves evolution is nothing but liberal lunacy. But that ain't nothin, our guy Owens wants to renew nuclear testing, and he previously operated a nonprofit for incarcerated youth even though most of the money somehow disappeared. You know he was one helluva motivational speaker. And he's way too smart to debate his opponents.

Owens is a Trumper and refused to certify the election of Joe "I Stole It" Biden. When it comes to old football players lyin' their asses off and making fools of themselves to win an election, Burgess is our man.

Postscript—That's a wrap for a chilly week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Critical Race Theory (CRT) so you don't have to. SURPRISE! According to a State Auditor's report, there is no evidence that CRT is being taught in Utah public schools. What a relief!

You're right Wilson, it's just another Republican racial dog whistle the white stiff necks on Capitol Hill have fallen all over in perfect coordination with other Red States. Call it telepathy or an orchestrated effort by the national GOP leadership to remind folks that a black boogeyman is lurking near their kid's classroom.

The audit did note, however, that a high school history textbook said the United States was founded on the ideology of white supremacy. So we had a little slavery and so the Constitution says blacks are three-fifths of a person, that doesn't scream, "white supremacy," does it? (Think clever segue here.)

From our "News-You-Can-Use" file: Napoleon Dynamite eats Tater Tots. (We are not making this up.) For the uninitiated, he is a Mormon character in a movie by the same name. According to the Deseret News, "[T]he scene where Napoleon Dynamite has Tater Tots overflowing in his pants pockets might just be one of the most on-the-nose depictions of Latter-day Saint culture yet."

Alright Wilson, here's your big chance. The band can choose between playing a Mormon hymn or something apropos for drag shows in St. George. When you think about it, a Mormon hymn would work for both since St. George is historically a Mormon town. It would give hymns like "I Stand All Amazed," new meaning ... OK, whatever:

Holly came from Miami, F.L.A.
Hitch-hiked her way across the U.S.A.
Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, "Hey, babe,
Take a walk on the wild side."
Said, "Hey, honey,
Take a walk on the wild side."
And the colored girls say,
"Doo do doo do doo do do doo..."

Little Joe never once gave it away
Everybody had to pay and pay
A hustle here and a hustle there
New York City's the place
Where they said, "Hey, babe,
Take a walk on the wild side."
I said, "Hey, Joe,
Take a walk on the wild side."
And the colored girls say,
"Doo do doo do doo do do doo..."

Sugar Plum Fairy came and hit the streets
Looking for soul food and a place to eat
Went to the Apollo
You should've seen them go, go, go
They said, "Hey, sugar,
Take a walk on the wild side."
I said, "Hey, babe,
Take a walk on the wild side."
And the colored girls say,
"Doo do doo do doo do do doo..."
"Walk On the Wild Side"—Lou Reed