Don’t worry America, ICE probably won’t detain you. 

So, agents with the U.S. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) arrested Newark Mayor Ras Baraka for trespassing in the parking lot of a detention center. It's true that trespassing usually is not an offense that'll get you arrested—you might get a citation—but this is different.

Like, how are you going to scare the hell out of everyone if you don't handcuff some people and haul them off in an unmarked vehicle? These days, you've got to mind your Ps and Qs if you don't want to end up in Louisiana or El Salvador.

Sure, some American citizens—in this case children—were deported with their mothers who were participating in the ICE Alternatives to Detention program. And those mothers, according to the Donald Trump administration, are “criminals” because they lacked documentation. One of the children, a 4-year-old, was being treated for cancer. Oh well, whatever.

Rumeysa Ozturk, a Tuft's University Student, was snatched off a street in Sommerville, Mass. on March 26 by masked men in an unmarked van. The 30-year-old graduate student and Turkish citizen was detained by ICE for six weeks before her attorney could get her out. She had taken a pro-Palestinian stance in an opinion piece for the student newspaper.

That's a dangerous thing to do these days—what was she thinking? Word to the wise: Don't do stuff like that or protest the treatment of detainees who don't get due process and you probably won't get arrested. Brave new world?

Tusks Up! Utah Hockey Team and a Pleistocene Beast
By now you've probably heard that Utah's new NHL franchise will be called the Mammoth—singular, not “Mammoths.” Why? Who knows.

Ryan Smith bought the hockey team, then known as the Arizona Coyotes, for a cool $1.2 billion. Not exactly chump change. It was called the Utah Hockey Club during its first season in Salt Lake City, but after a laborious voting process became the Mammoth.

Some of the other choices were Utah Wasatch, Utah Outlaws and Utah Venom. Smart Bomb's readers offered up other suggestions: Swarming Crickets; Stormin' Mormons; Utah Missionaries; Skating Apostles; Ice Quorum; Salt Lake Salamanders and Flying Saints.

The staff here at Smart Bomb isn't exactly objective, but our names are better. But we digress.

The team's slogan will be “Tusks Up.” For real. We haven't confirmed this but one notion is they might serve beer in tusk-shaped plastic cups. Imagine: “I'll take a Bud in a tusk.”

Mammoths actually did roam around Utah 10,000 to 70,000 years ago, during the Pleistocene ice age. That's about 70,000 years before Brigham Young said, “This is the place, drive on.” The huge elephant-like beasts weighed up to 22,000 pounds and stood 14 feet high, with giant tusks.

Smith also owns the Utah Jazz NBA franchise. Salt Lake City taxpayers are on the hook for $1.2 billion to help the billionaire build a sports/entertainment district around the Delta Center. They could have named the hockey club the Salt Lake City Taxpayers.

Gulf of What? Trump Plays the Name Game
Hey Wilson, remember when Trump tried to rename the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America? Totally insane, right? Well, the U.S. House of Representatives just passed legislation—along party lines—to make it official.

Yes, all of Utah's representatives voted in favor. Schizophrenic boot licking. If the Senate were to pass it, then all U.S. maps would have to say “Gulf of America.”

The hits just keep coming—now Trump says he's changing the name of the Persian Gulf to the Arabian Gulf. You've really got to be trippin' to look at a map and say “I think I'll change the name of that huge body of water.”

Earlier, Trump said he planned to change the name of Veterans Day to “Victory Day for World War I” and planned to change V-E Day to “Victory Day for World War II.” No, Wilson, we're not making this up. And we shouldn't forget that he changed the name of Denali back to Mount McKinley, after 25th U.S. President William McKinley (1896-1901), whom Trump apparently idolizes. McKinley is known for tariffs as well as expansionism—he oversaw the annexations of the Philippines, American Samoa, Hawaii, Guam and Puerto Rico. Soon-to-be states Canada and Greenland, anybody?

So what do you think, Wilson, got any bodies of water you want to rename? We could change the name of the Great Salt Lake to the “Whimpy Salt Lake” if the Utah Legislature doesn't get it together—and soon. How about changing the name of the Bear River to the “Alfalfa River,” because, well, you know ...

Postscript—Stick a fork in it, another historic week is cooked here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of when the turkey vultures return to the Avenues, so you don't have to.

Well Wilson, it ain't spring until the turkey vultures can be seen gliding and circling on updrafts above Dean Pierose's Cucina on 2nd Avenue. Of course, you can't see them inside—you have to be out on the patio, and you won't be out on the patio if it's cold. See how that works?

Turkey vultures are dark, dark brown with bright red heads. They stand 32 inches tall with a wing span of 72 inches—that's 6 feet. Quite impressive.

Here's something else, Wilson. Did you know there is a nationally recognized hair style called “Utah Curls?” We're not making this up. From what our style specialists here at Smart Bomb can garner, it may have originated from the reality TV series The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. The hair style went viral and now Utah Curls are all the rage, from L.A. to The Big Apple.

No Wilson, we're not going to get into The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives here. You and the guys in the band can do that on your own time. And no—it's not on Pornhub, not that we know of, anyway. Our researchers here at Smart Bomb should probably double check to make sure.

Alright Wilson, can you imagine being a prehistoric guy, having to hunt giant mammoths or wooly mastodons? It doesn't sound like much fun. On the other hand, you wouldn't have to find out day after day what Donald the Magnificent is up to. If you didn't want to hunt mammoths every day, you could just hang out eating bananas. We know you and the guys in the band have something for that. So, hit it Wilson:

I don't feel safe in this world no more
I don't want to die in a nuclear war
I want to sail away to a distant shore and make like an ape man

I'm an ape man,
I'm an ape ape man,
I'm an ape man
I'm a King Kong man,
I'm a voodoo man
I'm an ape man
“Ape Man”—The Kinks