Don't Let Jeff Bezos Return to Earth | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
DONATE

Don't Let Jeff Bezos Return to Earth 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

Pin It
Favorite
smart_bomb.jpg

As of this writing, 141,000 people have signed a petition to keep Jeff Bezos from returning to Earth after his July 20 launch into space. (We are not making this up.) You can hitch a ride with him for a cool $2.8 million. It will last 11 minutes—if it doesn't blow up. Bezos, the world's richest man, is the founder of Amazon and changed forever shopping and America. Apparently, a lot of people don't like the dude and would keep him orbiting the planet until he runs out of oxygen. That's really not nice. But it got the staff here at Smart Bomb to thinking, who would we like to have a one-way ticket to space? We can't send Donald Trump on account of he's gonna be facing felony charges in New York, and we don't want to miss that. Come to think about it, there are actually a lot of people we could send: Sens. Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz. House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy. We don't want to send Congressman Matt Gaetz—he's about to be hauled up on child trafficking charges related to a 17- year-old. And don't send Rep. Marjorie Taylor Green—she's nowhere near done making Republicans look kookie. But you're right, Wilson, Fox News hosts Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity should be among those on board. Too bad there just isn't room on Bezos' six-seat Blue Origin for all the... ah, deserving folks.

Big Lie a Big Bummer for LDS Bigwigs
What does Donald Trump have to do with Joseph Smith, the founder of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? Like he does with everything else, Trump has the Midas touch—in reverse. When the Public Religion Research Institute released a survey that revealed 46 percent of Mormons believe Donald Trump won the election, it raised doubts about their ability to discern the truth, said Mormon blogger Sam Brunson. "And if we can't tell simple and obvious truth from lies, why should someone trust that we can differentiate religious truth from lies ... ?" But it could be worse—the survey found 61 percent of white evangelical Christians believe the Big Lie. That's little solace for Brunson who would like the bigwigs in the Tower of Power on North Temple to squash the Big Lie, like an orange bug. "This represents an existential threat to the future of Mormonism," he said. "Upon baptism, we receive the Holy Ghost, which, among other things, helps us discern the truth." If Mormons believe flimflam man Trump, what does that say about their belief in you-know-who? Clearly, the Holy Ghost has been slackin' off. That's gotta be a big headache for the brain trust in the tower looking down on their people and wondering, "WTF, man?"

Juneteenth—Some People Are More Equal
Congress just made June 19 a national holiday called Juneteenth, celebrating the end of slavery—freedom of sorts for African Americans. At the same time Republican-dominated state houses across the country were passing measures to make sure Critical Race Theory is not taught in K-12 public schools. Although it is a college grad school-level topic that seeks to know how racism impacted our economic, political and justice systems, Republican legislators weren't taking any chances because there is no racism in this country. Sure, Black people are 20 percent more likely to be stopped by police than white people. And white families have a median net worth of $188,000, compared to Black families, whose median net worth is $24,000. Some 3.5 million black families have a negative worth. But that is not systemic racism, it's just that, you know, some people are more equal than others. Black men's average hourly wages went from being 22.2 percent lower than those of white men in 1979 to being 31 percent lower by 2015. Nope, no systemic racism here. So why would we teach history that shows white kids that African Americans have been treated as second-class citizens. And while we're at it, we can scare the shit out of their parents so they vote for Righteous Republicans.

Postscript—Well that's a wrap for another week of Smart Bomb's Roaring '20s. We've already got pestilence and drought, so don't be surprised if you see swarms of locusts on the horizon. But there is good news. Michael Packard, a 56-year-old man from Wellfleet, Mass., was swallowed and then spit up by a humpback whale. He suffered a dislocated knee but was otherwise unharmed. There's more: In Florida, two days after her wedding, Debby Strickland donated a kidney to her husband's ex-wife. Praise the lord and pass the kidney. Hereabouts, there is good news, too. Steven A. Wuthrich, a Utah assistant attorney general, apologized for sending SLC Council candidate Darin Mano an email that said, "Kindly die and go to hell." While campaigning, Mano had awakened Wuthrich from a nap. A fine gesture, indeed, Mr. Wuthrich. And then there's this from the OMG file: Utah Congressmen John Curtis and Blake Moore voted in favor of creating a bi-partisan commission to investigate the Jan. 6 insurrection. Only 35 Republicans of the GOP's 213 House members voted yeah. Sen. Mitt Romney said he was in, too, meaning half of Utah's delegation isn't completely stark raving mad. Pop the champagne and light the medicinal marijuana.

Well, Wilson, you and the band have never needed a rocket to get to outer space. But why not come down for a while and give us something a little gritty for Juneteenth and Black Lives Matter:

Don't you know
They're talkin' 'bout a revolution
It sounds like a whisper
Don't you know
They're talkin' about a revolution
It sounds like a whisper

While they're standing in the welfare lines
Crying at the doorsteps of those armies of salvation
Wasting time in the unemployment lines
Sitting around waiting for a promotion

Don't you know
Talkin' 'bout a revolution
It sounds like a whisper
Poor people gonna rise up
And get their share
Poor people gonna rise up
And take what's theirs

'Cause finally the tables are starting to turn
Talkin' 'bout a revolution
Yes, finally the tables are starting to turn
Talkin' 'bout a revolution, oh no
Talkin' 'bout a revolution, oh

"Talkin 'Bout A Revolution"—Tracy Chapman

Pin It
Favorite

Tags:

More by Christopher Smart

Latest in Opinion

Readers also liked…

  • Trump's Ten Commandments

    The story was the emetic equivalent of a gallon of ipecac. Perhaps only a handful of attendees could clearly see Trump's horns and his trident.
    • Jan 8, 2020
  • Walled Off

    Taking a Gander: Trump's not-so Great Wall symbolizes all his dealings
    • Jun 17, 2020

© 2021 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation