Dis-Topian Fiction | Film Reviews | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Dis-Topian Fiction 

Visions from a not-so-improbable future where Disney owns everything. No, seriously. Everything.

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click to enlarge DEREK CARLISLE
  • Derek Carlisle

"Hey, so you wanna go to the Disneys tonight?" "Ugh, I dunno, I'm beat. Is there even anything good on? Hey, Alexa, what's on at the Disneyplex? ... Alexa?"

"Oh, hey, didn't you hear? They bought out Amazon today. You have to call her Ariel now."

"What? LOL! OK. Hey, Ariel, what's on at the Disneyplex?"

"Now playing at Disneyplex Sylvan Park Four: Home Alone: The Next Generation at 7:10 and 9:50; Iron Woman 4 at 7:25 and 10:15; Toy Story 8: Woody'sRevenge at 7:35 and 9:55; Skywalker Saga: The Journey Begins at 7:45 and 10:15; and DisneyNature Presents The Littlest Glacier in IMAX at 8:30 only. Nowplaying at Disneyplex Belle Meade Five: Indiana Jones and the Gutenberg Bible Adventure at 7:05 ... "

"That's enough, Ariel!"

"I hear the glacier one is a real heartbreaker ... "

"Yeah, not sure I'm in the mood for that tonight. Maybe we can hang here and DisNetflix?"

"We were still in the middle of bingeing Game of Gnomes ... "

"I dunno, that seems to be going nowhere. I was kinda thinking we could start that Boba Fett–meets-Thor thing?"

"Oh, c'mon, since they made Boba a good guy it's all gone downhill, don'tcha think?"

"I guess ... Maybe I'll just read. Hey, Kindle, what's in my queue?"

"It's not Kindle anymore, you have to call it Kanga now."

"Goddammit ... "

***

"And we are here live on the red carpet of the all-star gala premiere of The Muppets on the Road Again for the Very First Time in London's glamorous LeicesterSquare. It's an exciting evening, isn't it, Adaeze?"

"It sure is, Bob. I remember when all the so-called pundits—"

"Film Twitter."

"That's right, Bob. When Film Twitter said it couldn't be done, that the beloved Muppets just wouldn't work as Pixar CGI characters—"

"No felt, no peace!"

"Haha, Adaeze, the protesters are out in force tonight, aren't they?"

"They sure are Bob. Oh look, here's William Shatner, the voice of both the Muppets lovable curmudgeons Statler and Waldorf. Mr. Shatner! How are you feelingtonight, at this momentous event?"

"I ... think it's just great. Disney ... is a stunning ... creative force ... in the world today."

"They are truly bringing us entertainment visions that we never could have anticipated, aren't they?"

"They ... sure are ... Bob. And just you wait ... to hear ... what's ... coming next."

***

Press release—Embargoed until Tuesday, March 2, 2027, 9 a.m. Disney Standard Time

After months of detailed negotiations and weeks of heated rumors, The Walt Disney Co. is delighted to announce that its acquisition of Paramount Pictures from thenewly-bankrupt Viacom means that the Star Trek universe of movies, television series, comics, novels, videogames and other entertainment properties beloved bymillions around the world for their optimism and forward-looking attitude have now come under the umbrella of The Mouse.

"The Disney family is beyond thrilled to welcome the United Federation of Planets into our embrace," said Disney chairwoman Ivanka Trump, though a spokesperson, today in Burbank. "The crews of the Enterprise, the Discovery, Deep Space Nine and all the rest are sure to live long and prosper under our care."

Disney head of creative Joss Whedon was quick to shut down speculation that the multibillion-dollar corporation's procurement of the franchise—launched by GeneRoddenberry in 1966 on the now-defunct NBC television network—meant that a "showdown" between it and Disney-owned Star Wars was in the offing.

"Of course fan culture has long been divided between fans of Wars and fans of Trek," Whedon says. "But there is absolutely no truth to the suggestion that Disneywill be creating crossover stories between the two properties pitting characters from each franchise against one another. That's completely absurd."

Disney stock rose on stock exchanges around the world on the news, reaching new highs on the NYSE and the Hang Seng ...

***

Tweet: "Han Solo is totally gonna friggin' kick Captain Kirk's ass! You saw it here first!"

Tweet: "You guys: Mirror Universe Rey. I'm just sayin' ... "

Tweet: "Like, what if the Force was with baby Spock?"

***

Online passport renewal

The new collaboration between the U.S. Department of State and The Walt Disney Co. requires you to choose a complementary avatar for your new passport,to be displayed on the cover and to help you navigate customs and immigrations queues worldwide (national participation pending in some countries).

Please choose one: Your choice will be confirmed via online personality test results. With whom do you most identify?

Woody the CowboyPrincess ElsaKermit the FrogBelleLuke SkywalkerLizzie McGuireBruce Banner/The HulkMinnie MouseDarth VaderSnow White

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