Ding Dong the Witch is Dead 

Well golly gosh all Friday—the wicked Utah Department of Alcohol Beverage Control (DABC) is no more. But wait, it can't be that good. In fact, there's something taking its place—the Utah Department of Alcohol Beverage Services (DABS).

Oh no, say state regulators, this is no sleight of hand, this is no PR stunt. They promise this is a whole new ballgame. But what it will look like remains a little foggy. Wilson and the band are hoping it includes something like DoorDash or GrubHub, where gig workers pull up in old Toyotas with your order. "Hello, is this DABS? Well send me out a quart of Wild Turkey and a sixer of Epic amber ale." Don't hold your breath.

While state bureaucrats use vague superlatives to describe the new outfit, the lawmaker who sponsored the changes was a little more circumspect. State Sen. Jerry Stevenson, R-Layton, said the department is evolving to meet the needs of a changing world. "[A]s we move through that process, if we don't get it right this year, we'll have a chance to get it right next year." Sound familiar? Has there ever been a year when the Utah Legislature didn't mess with our whacky liquor laws? Very few people, living or dead, understand the convoluted regs and that's why real Utahns always have a pint under the driver's seat.

An Unlikely American Hero
When history is finally written surrounding the Jan. 6 insurrection and failed coup by Donald Trump and his minions, Mike Pence will emerge as the hero. Say what? That's right, although Pence appeared as a supplicant to the man who would be king, he saved our bacon.

As events unfolded, Pence became Trump's last hope to steal the election. The plan was for the vice president, who also presides as president of the Senate, to reject the electoral votes submitted by the states. That would throw a monkey wrench into the outcome, giving the Trumpsters more time to organize their phony electors in six battleground states. The election would be tossed to the House, where each state would have only one vote—Trump would win 26 to 23.

But in the days leading up to Jan. 6, 2021, Pence had balked at the traitorous scheme. When the mob stormed the Capitol, the House chambers were cleared and the Secret Service ushered Pence to a limousine to whisk him away from danger—how far away we'll never know. If he were absent when the Senate reconvened, Sen. Chuck Grassley, a staunch Trump supporter, would assume the role of Senate president pro tempore. What Grassley would have done is guesswork, but Pence wasn't taking any chances. He refused to get into the car and Biden became president.

No-bid Contract—No Problem
OK, everyone take a deep breath. Count to 10. Yes, the Inland Port Authority just awarded a no-bid $2 million contract. Yes, it's to a start-up nobody has ever heard of. And yes, it's only for two years.

But lookit, it's the Utah way. That's how then-Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox and his "friends" were able to tackle COVID so quickly. We got a great deal on a trainload of hydroxychloroquine. We got Healthy Together, a multi-million mobile app. And we got TestUtah that cost millions more.

Of course, none of these no-bid contracts worked out but that's not the point. The point was we had to act and by golly we did. Well, it's time to act again. That's why the Inland Port Authority gave a no-bid contract to California-based QuayChain (pronounced "keychain") Technologies. Sure, some get suspicious when companies spell their names so no one can pronounce them. But not to worry. This "pilot program" will install a couple dozen cameras that are connected to a 5G network. It's totally cutting edge—cameras and everything.

Eventually, if it works, there will be hundreds of cameras making up the "Intelligent Crossroads Network," where data will be analyzed so that all the arriving and departing trains and trucks will be coordinated to reduce traffic and air pollution. What could possibly go wrong.

Postscript—That's a wrap for another glorious week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Harry and Meghan so you don't have to. And listen, keeping track of the Royals is about as boring as it gets. Wilson and the guys would rather watch cricket. Here's some good news: Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendehall, in conjunction with the SLCPD, is sponsoring a gun buyback on June 11 at the Public Safety Building, 475 So. 300 East.

It's a start. There are some 400 million guns in this country. Think more guns make us safer? Think again.

Here's something from our "fun" file: The Salt Lake Tribune called Utah Attorney General Sean Reyes a "fascist toady." Reyes is at his best when he does nothing. He believes Trump won the election and recently, according to the Tribune, told an audience in Casper, Wyo. that "the government is coming for your lands." But because he's a Republican, Utahns will elect Reyes again. Here in the Beehive State, we love fascist toadies.

Last but not least, the Jan. 6 committee will hold its first public hearing June 9 in primetime. It is said that the committee has enough evidence to show unequivocally that Donald Trump went to great lengths to plan and implement a coup. But don't be surprised if the Republicans continue to say it's all bunk.

Well Wilson, here we are again standing on the trembling lip of history. But this isn't the 1970s and this isn't Watergate. We're living in a bizarre time where facts don't always matter. We need a little something to bolster our souls and give us hope during these troubled times. So tell the band to dig deep and bring it home:

By the rivers of Babylon

'Cause the wicked carried us away in captivity

Sing it out loud

So, let the words of our mouth

By the rivers of Babylon

'Cause the wicked carried us away in captivity
Required from us a song
How can we sing King Alpha's song
In a strange land?
So, let the words of our mouth
And the meditation of our heart
Be acceptable in Thy sight
Oh, Fari
"Rivers of Babylon"—Jimmy Cliff