Deep End | Straight Up: LDS emissary explains the church’s gay marriage stance. 

Several explanations have been advanced for the church’s opposition to homo-ite marriage (following the lead of the great Mormon homo-ite writer Gore Vidal, we prefer the term homo-ite over the now shopworn term gay). By the way, our opposition to homo-ite marriage does not mean that we have anything against homo-ites per se. As Superdell would phrase it, “We love them.” We just don’t like to think about what they do behind closed doors.

In fact, there exists in the church a long tradition of forbearance toward Saints who bat for the other team. In the early days of the church, for instance, Brigham Young’s manservant and personal masseur, Sal DeSoto, lived openly with his fellow homo-ite, Willard Pratt, a distant cousin of Parley P. Pratt (the rumor that Willard was an illegitimate son of Parley has long been discredited). Sal is said to have had a great sense of humor, and often intervened in squabbles among Brigham’s many celestial wives.

Furthermore, historians now agree, Sal was the man who persuaded Brigham to grow a beard (originally the Lion of the Lord had an impressive moustache, but had Sal shave it off when presented with a signed petition from a majority of his wives complaining of the lip whiskers’ tickling side effects).

So we have historical proof that we Mormons have always welcomed homo-ites with open arms, metaphorically speaking, at least. Before I proceed to the real reason the Brethren are opposed to homo-ites getting hitched, let me address the misunderstandings and misinformation now being promulgated on the Web, on the street, and in San Francisco bathhouses

First, let me dispense with the allegation that the opposition to homo-ite marriage has something to do with the high number of missionary companions who come to their mission presidents and ask permission to marry each other. If this occurs, and we’re not saying it doesn’t, the mission president handbook suggests other and more tried and true methods of letting off steam, such as push-ups, cold showers and therapeutic self-massage.

Another reason put forward by our enemies for banning homo-ite marriage is the catastrophic consequences for the integrity of our places of worship. They say we’re afraid that an influx of homo-ites into our temples will result in their demands for extensive redecorating.

It’s distressing to the Brethren that we continually find ourselves in the position of having to dispel rumors and correct misinformation. Because we know that unscrupulous and mischievous anti-Mormons will perpetually seek to sow confusion abroad and at home, we want, as I previously said, to set the record straight. The real reason we oppose homo-ite marriages has its roots in the history of our peoples, specifically the demise of our benighted brethren, the Lamanites, cursed with a dark skin by the Lord for their iniquity.

Church scholars have revealed for the first time that the Lamanites died out for the simple reason that they practiced, on an exclusive basis, homo-ite marriage. This also explains why there is no trace of Lamanite DNA in Native Americans. (The name Lamanite is a corruption of the Reformed Egyptian Lay-man, which is itself a corrupt inflection of Lie Man, which is derived from the expression “one who lies with men,” i.e., a homo-ite. Some etymologists have attempted to establish a connection between the term Manasseh (the Lamanites, some contend, are of the lineage of the Tribe of Manasseh, one of the Lost Tribes of Israel) and the homo-ite practices of the Lamanites, but reputable scholars dismiss the notion, built as it is on questionable homonymic aspects.)

Skeptics and scoffers are directed to II Nephi, verses 63 through 69, where there is an explicit account of the marriage between the two great Lamanite generals, Gayroni and Homomo. After they defeated the Nephites at the Hill Cumorah, they opened an antique store and lived out their lives with fond memories of their triumphs, but with no progeny to honor them in memory.

These new discoveries also help explain the practice of polygamy, which was nothing more than a good-faith attempt to make up for the Lamanites’ failure to provide earthly bodies for heavenly spirits.

D.P. Sorensen writes satire for City Weekly.