Deep End | Mitt-less Masses: Out on the street, they fashion Romney’s future | Deep End | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Deep End | Mitt-less Masses: Out on the street, they fashion Romney’s future 

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That’s not an inversion you see squatting over the valley like some despondent sumo wrestler—it’s the congealed collective gloom of Utah Republicans now that Brother Willard “Mitt” Romney, this manly paragon, this pillar of rectitude, this god among men, has terminated his quest to become president of these United States.

The great man is gone from the race, but we know that he will live to fight another day, another year, another millennium. He is, after all, in the grand scheme of things, a mere youth. Were he to become an apostle of the Church Formerly Known as Mormon—not an outlandish notion, as you’ll see below—he would be in line to become Prophet, Seer and Revelator sometime in the not-too-distant future, perhaps 40 or 50 years from now.

Given his youthful vigor and great head of hair, Willard Mitt must know in his ambitious heart of hearts that the world lies before him like a land of many-flavored milkshakes, just waiting for him to slurp up. What will Willard Mitt decide to do? Barring the coronary infarction that the Mitt-besotted radio luminary Doug Wright posits for John McCain, our Mitt will have to find some worthy occupation to fill his time before making another run for the presidency.

We thought it would be useful to go out into the community and get suggestions on what Elder Romney ought to do next. As you might expect, people were eager to share their ideas on how our Elder Romney could best serve the community. What follows are verbatim responses from our randomly selected sample of citizens crazy for Mitt.

Mary J’Ane Hemphill, a 38-year-old stay-at-home mom from Francis, Utah: “Now that Dick Nourse has retired, I sure would like to see Mitt doing the news over at KSL. I just get all sweaty whenever I see Mitt on TV, and I think he would be just a dreamboat as an anchorman. I just hated it when that creepy McCain guy was mean to Mitt during those debates. I thought McCain was going to jump out of his chair and go bite Mitt! Anyway, I would much rather see Nini Wimmer, or whatever her name is, batting her eyelashes at Mitt instead of McCain snarling at him.”

Harold Turgeson, a 53-year-old claims adjustor from Spanish Fork: “I was hoping that the new Prophet, President Monson, was going to name Brother Romney as one of his assistants. But he could still make him an apostle. We need another guy besides Elder Uchtdorf with a great head of hair on the Council. Since Mitt’s been off the campaign trail, I’ve gone into a deep depression, eating donuts all day. I think Mitt would make a great Prophet in 50 years or so.”

Sally Tucci, age 32, a legal secretary from Sandy: “Oh, gee, let me think for a minute. OK, maybe this is not something you want to put in a family newspaper, but ever since the Olympics, I’ve had this fantasy about Mitt working as a shoe salesman at Nordstrom. He brings out several pairs of strappy sandals, and every time he slips one on my foot, I get all sweaty. Then he massages my toes, and then he … well, you can imagine what happens next.”

Sparky Anderson, unemployed: “Mr. Phony-Baloney should take a walk until his hat floats. Back when I was mayor of Salt Lake and he was head of the Olympics, we were soul mates. When we sunbathed together on the lawn of the City and County Building on those July afternoons that seemed to last forever, Mitt would look up at the sky and say, ‘You know, Sparky, this is as good as it gets,’ and I would get all sweaty. Then he ran for president and turned himself into someone I don’t know anymore. It’s just outrageous!”

Merle Sanderson, age 57, U.S. Marine Corps, Ret., from Heber City: “I heard that talk of his about quitting because he loves America and how he don’t want to screw things up for the Republicans while we are a nation at war. I say to Mitt, ‘Well, partner, you was never in the service, but what about telling those boys of yours to sign up and fight against them terrorists you’re trying to scare us about?’ If he can’t do that, he ought to keep his trap shut.”

In other news, Bill Clinton said he meant “debate her,” not “date her,” when referring to fellow candidate-spouse Michelle Obama.

D.P. Sorensen writes satire for City Weekly.

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