Deep End: Libs on the Loose | News | Salt Lake City Weekly

Deep End: Libs on the Loose 

Clinton, Kennedy sightings rampant in anti-voucher smackdown.

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You, no doubt, have heard the pro-voucher radio spot instructing parents to obey Gov. Jon Huntsman Jr. and Utah legislators, who know what’s best for schoolchildren, as opposed to Washington liberals like Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Ted Kennedy, who have some mysterious connection to people spending money to take away parental choice in education.

Parents dropping off their kids at Dilworth Elementary on 21st East in Sugar House were caught by surprise when Hillary Clinton jumped on the hoods of their vehicles and pounded on their windshields until they promised to vote against school vouchers.

“I had just pulled up to the school and before my daughter—she’s a third-grader in Miss Cushion’s class—could even open the door, all of a sudden there’s this crazy broad in a purple pants suit spread-eagled on the hood of my Honda,” said Herm Frawley, a local CPA.

“It took me a while to get the drift of what she was screeching about—my kid was hysterical and I was dialing 911 on my cell, but the next second she’s shimmied off the hood and practically tackled a green Suburban that was just pulling up. She must have attacked about seven SUVs before the cops showed up and took her down with a Taser. I didn’t find out until later that the gal going nuts was Hillary. Now, I’ve got a couple of big dents in my hood caused by her knees when she landed on my car.”

Frawley confessed he had been undecided on the voucher issue prior to the Hillary incident, but now there’s no way in hell he is going to side with Hillary, Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, the American Civil Liberties Union, and other secular liberals who want to take parental choice away from the good parents of Utah.

As for Hillary, she was unrepentant when she addressed the media horde after being released following her arrest and booking for disturbing the peace and attempting to deprive Utah parents of parental choice. (She also faces several counts of violating Utah’s Father-Knows-Best statute, a first-degree felony for failing to obey Huntsman, state legislators or other general authorities.)

“I’m proud of my bruises, cuts and contusions,” said Clinton, hiking up a pant leg to display a mean-looking hemotoma on her left knee. Asked why she would imperil her presidential campaign to come to an insignificant red state to take parental choice away from parents, Clinton shot back, “Listen, pinhead, you can always run for president, but depriving Utah parents of parental choice is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”

If the liberal-commie conspiracy to deprive Utah parents of parental choice were only a ludicrous fiction meant to scare parents into voting for vouchers, Hillary’s bizarre car climbing could be attributed to her particular time of life. But, as it turns out, Hillary was not the only liberal in town last week. At the very moment, in fact, that Hillary was doing her best to deprive the parents of Utah of parental choice, two other prominent Washington liberals were working their anti-voucher perfidy.

At Nibley Park School, an alarmingly thin woman with perfect hair and perpetually wide-awake eyes was seen slitting the tires on cars sporting parental-choice bumper stickers. The woman, who was taken into custody following a foot chase through adjoining neighborhoods, was later identified as Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

Just when local police were confident they had the liberal conspiracy under control, 911 calls began coming in concerning a portly white-haired, red-faced elderly Massachusetts senator who was seen spiking the punch bowl at a pro-voucher rally at the state Capitol. Fortunately, sharp-eyed security guards were able to slap away the vodka-fortified cup of punch just before it reached Gov. Huntsman’s authoritative lips. (The tipsy Senator Kennedy was allowed to stay at the rally, where he joined longtime pal Orrin Hatch in a medley of drinking songs.)

Pro-voucher supporters have issued a Hillary Alert and are advising parents to lock their doors and keep their kids inside so they won’t be snatched by Washington liberals and wandering bands of MoveOn meanies.

In a related development, Huntsman, once again the recipient of the prestigious Best-Groomed Governor award, is rumored to be the leading candidate to play the lead in the network television revival of Father Knows Best.

D.P. Sorensen writes satire for City Weekly.


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