Confederate Flags and Up Yours | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly

Confederate Flags and Up Yours 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Ever wonder why people have confederate flags on their pick-up trucks—or anywhere for that matter? Until just recently, the confederate flag was the symbol of NASCAR racing. They dropped it in the aftermath of George Floyd's murder. Southerners say that flag is not racist but a symbol of their heritage (which just so happens to include slavery, but what the hey).

Well, that's one thing, but what about people in Wyoming, Nevada and Utah and other places that weren't even states when the Civil War ended? As it turns out, our social scientists here at Smart Bomb have been looking into this and have found that some people just like being rebels—or at least looking like rebels. You know, those rough, independent types who would just as soon say "Up yours" as "Good morning." Well, good morning, Biff. Up yours. Nobody tells me what to do.

As it turns out, a lot of Trump supporters wave the confederate flag while wearing Make America Great Again caps. WTF. Did they hear about the Civil War? Just a reminder: The South lost. What if, just what if, the confederate flag was seen to represent losers. Would those same people be waving the confederate flag at Trump rallies while yelling, "Look at us, we're losers."

UFOs in Roswell, 'Trump Knows Something'

In 1947, a UFO crashed about 40 miles from Roswell, New Mexico. Or at least that what people say. A recent headline screamed, "Trump Knows Something Interesting About Roswell," feeding into the mystery. But as he told Don Jr., it's classified so he can't say anything. Stories vary about what really happened in the desert 73 years ago, so the staff here at Smart Bomb contacted famous UFOologist Skylar Canard to get the skinny. And boy, were we surprised. Canard has evidence that an alien looking eerily like Stephen Miller—Trump's senior analyst known for his right-wing nationalist views—landed and then destroyed the spacecraft. Canard found a piece of the ship near the crash site that reads, "Whites only," leading him to hypothesize that it came from planet Alabama. This, of course, would explain why Trump stopped immigration from several Muslim countries and put children from Mexico and Honduras in cages. It could also provide insight into why the president scheduled his first rally since March in Tulsa—home of the 1921 massacre—on Juneteenth, the African American holiday. It might also clarify why Trump's hair glows in the dark.

So Long, Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben

Well, would ya look at this: Quaker Oats is finally renaming Aunt Jemima syrup and pancake mix. Uncle Ben's brand rice said they'd follow suit. And even the Eskimo is gone from Eskimo Pies. It's about time to set aside racist marketing motifs along with the idea that a Black lady is serving you breakfast, an African American man is your cook and an indigenous Inuit man is churning ice cream somewhere. But before you celebrate, there is this: The Washington Redskins are still the Washington Redskins. The ownership of the NFL franchise has been under pressure for years to change the derogatory moniker. But it seems like Native Americans don't have a lot of political or financial clout. And, after all, what would the Washington team do with all those jerseys and helmets? Here at the University of Utah, the sports teams are named Utes. But in this case, the university actually got the eastern Utah tribe's consent to use its name. The school did drop the word, Runnin', from what had been the Runnin Utes. But no Indian nation has told the Washington team, yeah, what the heck, just call us Redskins. Even Wilson and the band find that repugnant. The Washington team appears to be building up a lot of bad karma, and maybe that's why they just keep losing and losing. Call it the curse of the Piscataway.

Postscript—What if they held a political rally and no one came? How embarrassing—especially for a president who says his rallies are the biggest ever in the history of everything. Pundits and blowhards have been positing all kinds of reasons for what can only be seen by the Trump camp as a total bummer. But perhaps the best one is that Trump is running against COVID-19, and the virus is winning. It looks like one million Sooners in Deep Red Oklahoma didn't want to get infected by standing shoulder to shoulder with coronavirus carriers in King Trump T-shirts while watching the failing magician pull one more rabbit out of his hat (notice we didn't say, "ass"). After all, to get in the hoedown, they had to sign a disclaimer that said they wouldn't sue the president if they ended up on a ventilator. Trump's slumpage in the polls, no doubt, has a lot to do with how he ignored and lied about the pandemic until it closed down the country and tanked the economy. There are now at least 120,000 dead and 45 million unemployed. All Joe Biden has to do is show up in a mask and say, come on everybody, we're all in this together. You can say that again, brother. COVID-19 continues its rampage through the country as people in Utah and just about everywhere else no longer care to wear masks or do social distancing. They are done with the virus, but the virus may not be done with them. Well, as they say in Gov. Gary Herbert's office, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it wear a mask. They really said that. If you're not laughing, you're crying.

Alright, Wilson, on that upbeat note, what can you and the guys give us for a theme song to carry us through the coming week:

There's a killer on the road
His brain is squirmin' like a toad
Take a long holiday
Let your children play
If you give this man a ride
Sweet family will die
Killer on the road, yeah

("Riders on the Storm"—The Doors)

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