Complaint Department | News | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Complaint Department 

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Periodically, here at SmartBomb, we hear from people who have complaints. We don’t know why they call us, but we try to respond in a humane manner.

Recently, our friend Mayor Rocky Anderson called to say Happy #$%&* New Year and “Why can’t you people get anything straight over there?”

When the mayor calls, we always try to be polite and respond like the professionals that we are: “Like dude, chill. Don’t blow a blood vessel. We’ll fix it.”

n As devoted SmartBomb readers may recall, Rocky had his secretary patch him through to us—as he was preparing his special energy-saving xeriscape herb garden that will cut pollution, save wetlands and increase fuel efficiency—to say that we got it wrong on his promise to synchronize downtown stoplights. “They’re already #$%&* synchronized,” he bleated.

The fact that we can’t notice the change apparently is quite frustrating to the mayor. “It’s more @#$%&* complicated than you think,” he said.

n Most recently, the mayor had another problem with our reporting here at SmartBomb. For the past six or seven months, we’ve been relentless in our coverage of a plan sprung in the mayor’s office to place snowmaking machines on top of downtown high rises during the Olympics to increase ambience. Now, the mayor insists he never ever had such an idea; and if he did, he killed it long ago. “Do you know how dumb it would be to put snowmaking machines on top of buildings downtown in the middle of @#$%&* winter?” he asked.

Well, yes, we had to admit that the idea seemed awfully dumb, which is why we’ve brought it up every chance we’ve had since July.

“I never liked that idea. I never approved it. Those things just make too much noise,” the mayor seethed.

OK, for those keeping score: traffic signals-synchronized; snowmaking machines on buildings-dumb and noisy. Thank you, Mister Mayor for straightening that out. Please call any time.

n Our complaint department also received an e-mail from Tribune columnist Robert Kirby, who wanted to take exception with a City Weekly editorial that noted he would be running the Olympic torch. “I will not be running the torch,” Kirby wrote. “Running is what slender people do. I will be waddling the torch, with perhaps some staggering of the torch toward the end...”

n We also got a call from our favorite gun-rights activist, Janalee Tobias. No, she did not call to complain about the taunting we’ve been giving gun-rights people over their desire to carry concealed weapons at Olympic events. Rather, she wanted to make clear her opinion that Salt Lake County should not establish a homeless fund with sales tax revenue.

That’s like stealing from the poor to give to the poor, she told proponent Jack Gallivan at a recent powwow before she dropped a hefty piggy bank in the old gent’s lap. The incident brought tears to Jack’s eyes, we’re told, but no one was sure if it was because his feelings were hurt or perhaps important parts of his anatomy.

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