Cold Turkey? Russians Hit in the McNuggets 

Forget oil. If we want to punish Russians, and thereby drive Putin's popularity into the toilet, then cut off the flow of Big Macs, Coca-Cola and french fries. Talk about pain. OMG—it's actually happening: McDonald's is closing 850 restaurants in Russia. If you're in St. Petersburg jonesing for a double cheeseburger—zhestkoye der'mo (tough cookies).

Starbucks, too, is beating a retreat and closing 130 cafes. Russians dig American fast food and corporate coffee. Like Levi-Strauss and Adidas, American pop culture is harder hitting than Stinger missiles.

The first Mickey D's opened in 1990 on Moscow's Pushkin Square, spitting distance from the Kremlin. It was the largest McDonald's on the globe—23,680 square feet and seating for 700 on multiple levels. Instantly popular, tens of thousands of Russians waited in long lines even though a burger, Coke and fries cost about a half-day's wages.

The Moscow McDonald's sold 34,000 burgers its first day—eclipsing every record. As for Putin's threats of seizing assets of companies that bolt, Yale Econ Prof. Jeffrey Sonnenfeld said this: "If Vladimir Putin thinks he can do a better job at the deep fryer, let him have it. If he can flip burgers, great." How long can Russians live without Mickey D's? Set your clocks.

Mike Lee: Tyranny Lurks Behind Your Couch
It could be senility or amnesia—Sen. Mitt Romney may have forgotten that Mike Lee also is a Republican senator from Utah and is running for reelection. Mitt neglected to endorse him. Scandalous! But Mitt seems to be in full control of his faculties, except he's been fundraising for Liz Cheney, the Aung San Suu Kyi of the GOP caucus. Yes, Wilson, she's under house arrest in Myanmar for calling B.S. on nasty authoritarians.

Speaking of which, Mike Lee remains one of Donald Trump's most avid supporters. Romney has broken with Lee on everything from impeachment to Ukraine to infrastructure spending—which Lee opposed because ... god knows why. Lee also voted against a Jan. 6 commission and objected to sending U.S. troops to NATO countries. Recently, Lee was joined by ultra-right GOPers Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., and South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem in Salt Lake City to remind prospective Republican state party delegates not to forget that The Sky Is Falling.

"If America ever sees tyranny, it will come in the form of experts," Lee said referring to pandemic expert Dr. Anthony Fauci (and others), "people who are so smart that people will defer to them ..." And who wants to live in a country where experts are in charge. Such liberal madness.

Clarence Thomas' Insurrectionist Wife—BFD
Mean people screw things up. U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas told a Salt Lake City audience that the anger, incivility and polarization in this country could undermine the high court. "You can cavalierly talk about packing the court. You can cavalierly talk about doing this and doing that," he said. "At some point, the institutions are going to be compromised."

Let's see, what about an insurrection to overturn a presidential election—could that adversely impact our institutions? Duh. Meet Ginni Thomas, the justice's wife who is neck deep in right-wing causes and groups, such as the Council for National Policy. And who, according to The New York Times, "mediated between feuding factions so that they would work together to plan [Jan. 6]."

But, of course, this has nothing to do with Clarence because he and his firebrand wife never talk about politics. Sure, Clarence Thomas sided with Trump in his attempt to undo the election—giving partisan state legislators more control over election results. But hey, that was just a coincidence or something. Justices can recuse themselves if they believe there is a perceived conflict of interest. But no conflict, no problem. Anger, incivility, polarization—Ginni Thomas? Perish the thought.

Postscript—That's gonna do it for another week in the bunker here at Smart Bomb, where our staff keeps track of gas prices so you don't have to. Just ignore those little numbers on the pump and hum, "Enjoy Yourself It's Later Than You Think."

Everyone knows that skyrocketing fuel prices have nothing to do with Big Oil squeezing consumers after two years of COVID and subpar profits. No, it's all Joe Biden's fault—that's what Republicans say and they never lie. And now we know why Putin had to invade Ukraine, thanks to Fox soothsayer Tucker "The F–ker" Carlson—it's because Ukraine has secret bio-weapon labs funded by the U.S. and was preparing to spray Putin with "Love Potion No. 9." Still, folks who get their news from outlets other than Fox may recognize that golden oldie, which is straight from the sheet music of the Russian Propaganda Orchestra. But that's OK with Tucker on account of the words "biological weapons" make his already enraged audience scream even louder at the TV, which makes advertisers happy and keeps the world going 'round. And finally from our "Icing-On-The-Cake" file: Russia state TV talking heads are lauding Carlson for his marvelous and courageous coverage. High praise, indeed.

Well Wilson, things are in the dumpster again. But there's hope, 'cause we're back on Daylight Saving Time and it'll be impossible to comprehend bad stuff until our circadian rhythm catches up to the photoperiod—that is to say we're suffering from politically-induced jet lag. But we digress. Clearly The Tucker Carlson Show needs a new theme song. So get the guys in the band to put down the beer and let it rip:

Quicksand closing in around my eyes
Quicksand forcing me to realize>
Nothing that I see>
Can get through this wall to me

This wall of quicksand closing in around my mind>
Quicksand and I'm losing track of time>
Sinking like a stone>
All the dreams that I have ever known

Sinking into quicksand closing in around my heart>
Quicksand teaching me further poems>
From the things I feel>
All that it can steal>
Taken and concealed>
Not to be revealed>
About quicksand

Talking about quicksand>
Thinking about quicksand>
"Quicksand"—The Youngbloods