Cleavage and Other Disruptions | News | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Cleavage and Other Disruptions 

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You had to know this was coming: Belly buttons and cleavage have been banned in the Jordan School District. That’s right, banned. Britney Spears is reported to be the root cause of this epidermis epidemic that is running rampant among teenage girls. Do they have no morals?

The Jordan Board of Education also unanimously banned piercings and hair color that disrupt school! (How do you know whether your piercings and hair color are going to disrupt school until you get there?) No halters, no tank tops, no spaghetti straps, no miniskirts, no short shorts. Bras and underwear must be covered! Oh, bummer.

According to a district spokeswoman, if the girls want to dress like sluts, they can save it for rock concerts.

• You know it’s a slow week when the most exciting thing is a flap over the navels of teenage girls. Even the L.A. Times has noticed that Salt Lake is rather boring these days. “The post-Olympic blues have hit Salt Lake City hard …” the Times reports.

• Well, maybe that L.A. Times reporter just didn’t know where to look. Excitement abounds, according to the Salt Lake City’s daily newspapers. “Ducks Found Slaughtered at High School,” barks a headline in the Tribune. “Lecture on Forgiveness is Thursday,” bleats the Deseret News. Who says this place isn’t exciting?

• Well, OK, we’re not New Jersey, whose claim to fame beyond toxic waste dumps is that it’s located near New York City. The “Garden State’s” real notoriety, of course, is the Boss, Bruce Springsteen. A coalition calling itself “The Independence for New Jersey” has launched a petition drive to get the Boss on the November ballot for U.S. Senate.

If the boss was crazy enough to run, he could surely win. It would be like Donny Osmond running for the 1st Congressional District in Utah. On the other hand, if Donny didn’t have the blessing of the NRA, he probably wouldn’t have a much better chance than say, Kevin Garn.

• The Salt Lake City Council is doing something to make downtown more lively. They’ve passed an ordinance that makes it legal for artists to perform and display their works on city streets. Imagine that? All they have to do is buy a $50 license. And you thought freedom of speech was free.

The council long feared that allowing artists on the sidewalk would divert business from retailers. We pass laws that keep people off the streets and then wonder why nobody’s downtown? Is this rocket science?

• In Ogden, they’ve decided to tear down their downtown mall in favor of something that works. Now there’s a brilliant idea. Maybe it will give Salt Lake City planners a much needed clue about what to do with our Main Street malls. Tear them down and replace them with something that works? Radical.

If you’re looking for examples of something that works, don’t look toward Gateway. The place feels like a ghost town. It makes Main Street look like a lively metropolis. But there it sits, all dressed up and ready for … Chapter 11?

Maybe they could move Gateway to Main Street? It makes you wonder if there’s really anybody actually planning these things, doesn’t it?

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More by Christopher Smart

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