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8 Valentine's Day gifts and what they really mean

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8. Chocolates: "Maybe these will shut you up so I can get 30 seconds of peace."

7. Jewelry: "If you hear the occasional 'beep,' it's not a tracking device. Nope ..."

6. A personalized love song: "So, my band is going to be crashing at your place for at least another week."

5. Dinner: "Our love will last longer than this Groupon, which expires Monday."

4. Lingerie: "It looked just OK on my last Tinder hookup, but it'll look fantastic on you."

3. A spa day: "A treament to remove tension, toxins and that giant stick up your ass."

2. A dozen roses: "So sorry about sleeping with your sister."

1. A single rose: "Your sister wasn't that great."

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