Clear and Present Danger | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly

Clear and Present Danger 

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When you're name is Donald Trump, your life is an endless series of verbal justifications and denials, lies, more lies and lies about the other lies you've told. But the idea that Trump can actually lie with impunity is only his little pipe dream: the sleuths are always lurking in the background, like bloodhounds following the ever-fresh scent that constantly eminates from Trump's flatulent little mouth. Well, folks, oral flatulence is a dangerous thing. In fact, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued a warning: "Merely having a conversation with the president presents a high risk of E. coli infection, and all White House personnel should wear masks. The newly identified "BocaPoo" (BP) is a national health threat." (Boca is Spanish for mouth.)

While most Americans are horrified by this voluminous flow of oral sewage, Trump is taking pride in breaking all records and winning himself a permanent entry in the latest Guinness Book of World Records. His flow of oral sewage is believed to be the greatest in history, and his most loyal supporters are all hoping they'll be honored with membership on the national BocaPoo team.

Oral farting has become synonymous with the Make America Great Again White House. Along with it, the tale of Pinocchio has surged in popularity after years of obscurity. Clever promoters have devised a grading system to ensure everyone knows of Trump's latest triumphs. Awarding one, two or three "Pinocchios" for each utterance causes Trump to swell with pride. He brags endlessly to his inner circle, "Today, I received 138 Pinocchios," adding "and I barely had to try. I am the greatest—feel kind of like ol' Cassius Clay. I can whoop any liar out there, and I can do it with one arm tied behind my back." While it's an unaudited total, Trump claims to have been awarded 76,228 Pinocchios in just his first two years in office.

But here's the downside. The "Oral Execufarts," as people in polite company call them, have caused a dramatic spike in air pollution, and because of the government shutdown, there's essentially no EPA out there to regulate its potentially dangerous atmospheric release. Following their do-a-good-turn-daily mantra, a Washington, D.C., Boy Scout troop has done its best to fill in for the EPA's screw-the-environment leadership and its furloughed employees. Using the time-tested method of holding a moistened finger up in the breeze, the boys have been able to determine that there's been a dramatic rise in airborne BocaPoo since Trump took office. The Scouts' latest measurement showed a level of one ounce of BP for each cubic yard of (what was previously) fresh air. However, that disturbingly high level of contamination has a positive flip side. It turns out that BP is a boon to agriculture. Farmers along the Eastern Seaboard no longer will have to apply fertilizer to their crops. Trump and an unnamed Russian national have incorporated a small company to ensure that BocaPoo is profitable. Based on the average aerial shit-load for the month, each farmer will be billed on a per-acre basis. The company was incorporated under Virginia law and is named TruPu Agra Technologies, Inc.

So much for air pollution; it's time to move on to the latest revelation from the Robert Mueller team. Just when we thought we had already heard the juiciest scheme in the president's efforts to undermine the electoral process, convicted fixer Michael Cohen has dropped a bombshell in the laps of investigators. Swearing that his omission was "simply an oversight," Cohen detailed yet one more large financial payoff made to a woman by Trump during the last days of his 2016 election campaign. "It was clearly intended to suppress information," Cohen admitted, "that would have affected the election results.

"This one," Cohen noted, "was a $1.5-million hush money check written to Melania. It was drawn from two accounts—primarily election campaign funds and about one-third from Trump's New York-based charity." Investigators were incredulous at the disclosure. Seeing the confusion in their faces, Cohen had to clarify the matter, providing the actual agreement on which the payment was based.

"For the consideration of $1.5 million, I, Melania Trump, shall not disclose the following matters: 1. That I haven't had sex with the SOB in the past 15 years; 2. That he suffers from a rare terminal STD that causes a raccoon-like absence of pigmentation around the eyes; 3. That he is largely impotent, both physically and mentally, and 4. That he regularly cheats on both me and his taxes."

And, of course, it was signed, Melania Trump. Yet another nail in Trump's cardboard box.

The author is a former Vietnam-era Army assistant public information officer. He resides in Riverton with his wife, Carol, and one mongrel dog. Send feedback to

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