Checking the Crystal Ball: 2011 Music Predictions 

“Spooky pop-pixie Justin Bieber moves to Utah and moves in with Idol also-ran David Archuleta. Together, the winsome twosome make beautiful music—and also sing a lot of schmaltzy pop duets. Some would say that these two fellas are just too young for this sort of commitment—but, after all, this is Utah. That’s how we roll.” —Linda East Brady, Standard-Examiner music writer and KRCL host

“The Devil Whale gets picked up by a major label.” —Will Sartain, co-owner of Kilby Court and local musician

“Our show The Life of a Suicycle will definitely win an Emmy or the equivalent for YouTube TV shows … King Niko will get between 10 and 15 girls pregnant … Cavedoll will call it quits and then re-form at least 3 times … Laserfang will invent inter-dimensional space travel in multicolor! … Red Bennies will play their 25-year anniversary show, from their wheelchairs.” — Camden Chamberlain of Suicycles and Cavedoll

“Radiohead will release the album of the year (but Lady Gaga will win the Grammy); and Future of the Ghost will release the best local album.” — Andrew Shaw, coordinator of Music @ Main concert series, member of The Platte

“I’m predicting the The NutriSystem Monsters of Hair Tour with Winger, Mr. Big, Extreme and Slaughter, playing only the hits and not one thing from their new albums or solo projects. And I’m right up front, alone, and they are singing every song to me. Sigh.” -Gina Barberi, X96 Radio from Hell

“Some ambitious, hard-working local band will get a big break and will inspire bitterness and the ire of other musicians; half jealousy and half purist/elitist ‘I could write hit pop songs, if that’s what I really wanted to do, but I make art’ malarkey ... The pop music community will be shocked when an East Coast/West Coast-style pop feud escalates, resulting in the ‘tragic’ deaths of the singer of Train and half of the Black Eyed Peas. Hopefully.” — Paul Jacobsen, Paul Jacobsen & the Madison Arm

“Vile Blue Shades reunite and solidify a network deal for a reality TV show. Part of the terms include a follow-up season where VBS founding members Ryan Jensen and Dan Rose enter a rehab facility located in Provo, Utah. After reviewing countless episodes for the paper, City Weekly TV critic Bill Frost discovers he really does like the band after all.” — Angela Brown, editor of SLUG Magazine

“2011 will be viewed as the last year any DJ used real vinyl in the United States. We have never experienced a more dire indicator of the end of real DJ days than we did in 2010, as the discontinuation of the Technics brand of turntables shook the DJ world. We’ll see increasing use of CD-J “tables” in local clubs and a dwindling reliance on any sort of real vinyl as Serato, Ableton Live and Traktor auto-beat-match and auto-kill old-school skills for good. Here’s to you, real DJs—may you rest in peace.” — Jon Paxton, author of City Weekly’s Club Matters column

“The Harmonica Army will be invited to perform “When the Saints go Marching In” at a Utah Jazz game next year and will shatter the Guiness Book of World Records mark for ‘largest harmonica ensemble,’ thereby giving Jazz fans a title/record they can be proud of. I also predict that Kurt Bestor will accompany on piano and will be brought into the arena on the back of the Jazz Bear’s Harley, while Coach Sloan and I arrive via a John Deere parade up John Stockton Blvd. ... I also predict John Saltas will open the world’s first Billy Goat franchise in Salt Lake City, and that the Cubs will win the World Series when he does so—cheezborger, cheezborger, cheezborger, holy cow!” — Bad Brad Wheeler, KRCL host and Legendary Porch Pounder

“I think people are sick of worrying about the economy and are getting back to the old way of shopping for music, especially for records. People miss the whole social aspect of hanging out at their local record store. I see a resurgence in that, and coming out for live shows; whenever we host a live in-store at The Heavy Metal Shop, there is an overflow of people. I am very optimistic about the music scene in 2011 and beyond.” —Kevin Kirk, owner of The Heavy Metal Shop

“Neon Trees’ ‘Animal’ will be made into a Muzak version played in the City Creek Mall (or KSL elevator) … Dallon Weeks of The Brobecks will finally take over as lead singer of Panic At The Disco, hiding Brendon Urie in his basement.” — Portia Early, UtahFM.org host of Unsigned Uncensored