Celestial Kingdom for Democrats? Hell no! 

Faithful members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—aka the Mormons—can be barred from the Celestial Kingdom if they register as Democrats. This is not a dictum from the Council of the Twelve (the faith's ruling body) or a revelation from president and prophet Russel M. Nelson, but it has sifted down through the church's wards (congregations) in something of a whisper campaign.

Although the LDS leaders have said Mormons can be Democrats if they pray real hard, nobody believes it. Most members of the Utah State Legislature are LDS and Republican. Even progressive Mormons won't register as Democrats for fear they could spend eternity in the Telestial Kingdom with Harley riders and professional wrestlers.

Voting Independent isn't quite as bad but will, the grapevine says, relegate folks to the Terrestrial Kingdom with lawyers and mean cops. The scuttlebutt is that Republicans would have a clear shot at the Celestial Kingdom even if caught drinking Tecate or lime vodka or using Copenhagen. Word is still out on tea bag enemas.

Cheating fellow church members in scams or questionable business deals is very bad, but faithful Republicans could still attain the Celestial Kingdom if they pay a full tithe. Well, that's what they said at church, anyway.

Win a trip to Martha's Vineyard
Hey Wilson, how would you and the band like to win a trip to Martha's Vineyard? It's easy, just go down to Ciudad Juarez and walk across the border into El Paso. There, a nice lady will ask you if you want to go to a swell place and get a swell job.

Soon you'll be landing in beautiful Martha's Vineyard near Cape Cod, Mass.—compliments of Republican Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis. Pretty great, huh?

That's what happened to dozens of illegal Venezuelan immigrants who ended up on the little island known as a refuge for wealthy Democrats. Vineyard denizens were taken by surprise—there was no housing or jobs for the immigrants. Haha, the joke's on those bleeding-heart liberals who need to see illegal immigration up close.

Folks from Mexico, Central and South America typically don't immigrate to Florida 'cause it's surrounded by water. Duh. So why would the governor of Florida mess with immigrants in Texas? Hmm. It couldn't be politics, although he did get almost as many headlines as if he promised to build a wall to keep all the (brown) criminals out.

DeSantis knows where his bread is buttered. He's now the favorite of "Christian leaders" for the 2024 GOP nomination. You know Wilson, you gotta love those Christian nationalists—fine people they are. They have accepted Jesus into their lives.

The lying-about-sex exception
Americans like nothing more than a nice, juicy sex scandal. So no surprise we get to revisit Bill and Monica's excellent adventure 25 years ago.

As you will recall—if you're old—it all started when Republicans demanded a probe of Bill and Hillary Clinton's investment in a failed real estate venture called Whitewater. It ended with the president's impeachment for lying under oath about fellatio in the Oval Office.

Bill was toast because Monica's "friend" Linda Tripp advised her not to clean the dress that held the evidence (if you know what we mean). That's right, Wilson, a real estate investigation that turned out to be a blowjob.

Moving on (if that's possible), we now get another look at Supreme Court Justice Brett "I Like Beer" Kavanaugh in a new documentary, "Justice," premiering at the Sundance Film Festival. Christine Blasey Ford alleged that, at a party in high school, Kavanaugh held her down, covered her mouth and tried to force himself on her. He denied it. A second woman, Deborah Ramirez, alleged Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her at a party when they both were at Yale. He denied it.

Yes Wilson, he was under oath, but it gets complicated. Some folks believe there is an exception for lying about sex and the Supreme Court has yet to rule it out. Go figure.

Postscript—That's it for another scrambled week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of egg smugglers so you don't have to. Sources say furloughed tech workers are developing an app for smugglers so egg lovers won't have to go cold turkey. The San Diego Customs and Border Protection Office notes that illegal eggs are moving like hotcakes.

Whoa, what's that smell? Brazilian-based beef producer JBS has methane emissions that exceed the combined total of France, Germany, Canada and New Zealand. Last Week, Mighty Earth filed a complaint with the Securities and Exchange Commission alleging that JBS is failing to meet its emissions targets. In a hot mic moment, a spokeswoman for JBS reportedly said, "Bullshit."

A lot of food is wasted each year, but the Japanese are finding ways to use discarded victuals. They have created "recipes" that turn food scraps into concrete, dishes and even furniture. There could be a use for Aunt Thelma's Christmas fruit cake, after all.

And finally, this is the Chinese Year of the Rabbit. As it turns out, there are dozens of delicious rabbit recipes—roasted, stewed and grilled. But despite folklore, rabbits don't lay eggs. So warn the kids, Easter egg hunting could be a real bummer in the Year of the Rabbit.

Well Wilson, lucky for you and the band that Berkeley Breakfast doesn't require eggs. On the other hand, it's not all that healthy and can be very hard on the sinuses, as you know all too well. But we digress. The band, of course, has its favorite rabbit song and we can't stop them now. So go ahead and lay it on us:

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall

And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small

When the men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's off with her head
Remember what the dormouse said
Feed your head
Feed your head
"White Rabbit"—Jefferson Airplane