Cancer-Causing Sex Toys 

Curses, Foiled Again
Police believe Jamie Minor, 26, tried to break into the Austin, Texas, restaurant where she worked by crawling through an exhaust duct leading to the office. She apparently became trapped when the duct tapered into an opening she couldn’t fit through, and she couldn’t back up. Noting that Minor had been missing more than a month before maintenance worker found her body, police Commander Julie O’Brien explained, “That area is located in a part of the building where it’s not readily accessible to anyone, so noises inside of the duct work couldn’t be heard.” (Associated Press)

• Police quickly identified Lucas Jeffrey James, 23, as the man who accosted two women in downtown St. Petersburg, Fla., because his getaway landed him in a rap video. According to police official Bill Proffitt, James spit beer on the women, hit one of them over the head with a beer bottle, then fled down an alley that led to a film crew. The shirtless, wild-haired James ran straight at the camera for an extreme close-up. Police released the video and promptly received several tips where to find the suspect. (St. Petersburg Times)

Big-Bang Theory
Sean Michael Ogden, 19, bought some fireworks in Durango, Colo., but then “decided the fireworks he purchased were too small,” fire Marshal Tom Kaufman said. After searching the Internet for directions how to blend smaller fireworks to make big fireworks, he put the fireworks in an electric coffee grinder. Kaufman said friction from the coffee grinder ignited the mixture, causing an explosion that shook houses a quarter-mile away. Ogden suffered severe burns and was hospitalized in “fair” condition. (Durango Herald)

Encore!
Kipp Rusty Walker, 19, was playing keyboard for a dozen people at a coffee house in Bend, Ore., when he stood up and began stabbing himself in the chest with a double-edged blade knife. “It was really unclear at first what was even happening,” Rhonda Ealy, co-owner of the Strictly Organic Coffee Company, said. “You know it is an open mic, and it’s a performance. People at first thought it was some sort of theater.” (Bend’s KTVZ-TV)

Rubber-Dubber
Germany’s Green Party demanded that the government protect citizens from cancer-causing sex toys. Noting that 20 percent of Germans use the erotic aids, 10 Green Party legislators in the Bundestag released a paper called “Sexual Health as a Consumer Protection Issue.” It urged the government to take responsibility and action, declaring: “Many dildos and other sex toys such as vibrators and anal plugs contain a high amount of phthalates, other carcinogenic plasticizers and toxic substances,” which enter the body through mucous membranes and can lead to infertility, hormone imbalances, diabetes and obesity. Green Party lawmaker Volker Beck wants Germany to follow the example of Denmark, which, he said, “urges users of vibrators, artificial vaginas and other such items to first cover them with condoms and to avoid models made of PVC.” (Spiegel Online)

• The European Union endorsed a wonder-condom that promises not only protection, but also firmer erections and better sexual performance. The British company Futura Medical said gel in the tip of its CSD500 condom, sold under the Durex brand, dilates the arteries and increases blood flow to the penis, enhancing erections. Futura added that a clinical study showed both men and women believed the condom also increased penis size. (Reuters)

Litterbuggery
Firefighters were called in Fond du Lac, Wis., after Earr Stokes, 20, got his hand stuck in a car’s gas tank while trying to retrieve a Snickers candy bar someone had unwrapped and jammed in the tank. Capt. Tony Knecht said rescuers had to cut the filler pipe while a firefighter kneeled nearby with a hose in case a spark ignited the fuel tank. Firefighters were then able to access the backside of the gas tank opening and release Stokes’s bruised fingers. (Fond du Lac Reporter)

Paperless Crime
Massachusetts authorities said touring rock musician Michael Todd, 30, robbed an Attleboro pharmacy of prescription pain pills just hours before his scheduled concert in nearby Mansfield. He showed the clerk a holdup demand posted on his cell phone. “It is somewhat routine that in robberies, the robber gives a note to the clerk, but obviously this was a little more high-tech,” said Gregg Miliote of the Bristol County District Attorney’s Office, adding the suspect fled by cab to the band’s tour bus, parked outside the concert hall. Investigators identified Todd from surveillance videos. Todd’s band, Coheed and Cambria, announced Todd would miss the last three stops of the door, but reassured fans, “For now, we just want to have a great time out there and finish with some killer shows.” (Reuters)

Luck-Pushing Follies
When a pickup truck drove off the road and into a pond in New London, Conn., the man and woman inside managed to get out of the vehicle safely. State police Trooper Kelly Grant said the man decided to return to the vehicle to retrieve some belongings. “Unfortunately, he never made it back,” Grant said, noting the man’s drowning appeared accidental. (New London’s The Day)

Modi Operandi
British police appealed to the public for information about four men and two women who burglarized a shop in Doncaster. The notice said some of the group distracted the clerks while one of the women entered living quarters at the back of the shop and reportedly stole a large amount of jewelry and cash. Closed-circuit video shows the woman wearing trousers when she goes in, but she has on a long skirt when she leaves and appears to be struggling to walk. “It is believed,” the notice said, “that the woman may have had the safe between her legs under the skirt.” (South Yorkshire Police news release)

• Spanish police arrested two Polish citizens they said stole from luggage on airport shuttle buses in Barcelona. One man rode as a passenger after depositing a heavy suitcase containing the other man in the luggage compartment. Once the 90-minute trip began, he “would get out of the suitcase, search for valuable objects and hide them in a smaller bag he carried with him,” police reported. The accomplice would claim the suitcase on its return. The scheme unraveled when a suspicious bus official notified police, who opened the suitcase and found the would-be burglar inside, “doubled up almost like a contortionist.” He wore a headlamp and had a sharp tool to open bags. He explained he was riding in the baggage hold because he couldn’t pay the fare. (BBC News)